I just got home from the sober dance. Man I was so uncomfortable. No wonder I drank so much! I left before the midnight hour. Guess I get to spend it at home with you.

Happy new year!

Wow, this year has been full of work. But I have a tendancy to think it was not enough work, or not quality work. But 2004 was full of spiritual growth if anything else. I have 112 days sober today, the longest period of sobriety I've ever had. Moo Cat died during the fall season. And that's really it when i reflect on the year. I wish there was more to it, but there really hasn't been. But this was the year I realized I am an alcoholic, even if I have periodic thoughts that I'm not: it's just my alcoholic thinking. Oh I've also been on atkin's this past month and lost some weight: I'm down to 225 from 240. I upped my carb intake some cause I want to work out, but I didn't go the gym today since it's raining; I don't want to deal with getting wet and the cold.

Here's to 2005. Just like I haven't sat down and worked out a budget, I haven't really thought about the agenda for the new year. Things to consider: school, sobriety, sex, therapy, work, a new place to live, moving completely to OC and giving up my SD place, making new friends in OC, repairing my credit, working out and losing weight. I haven't thought about new years resolutions either. I don't think I did last year either. But that's ok. I think I'm spending the night with people in AA to ring in the new year. But part of me wants to spend it at the Loft where I've run in the past four years; it's sorta a tradition. But it will be better to spend time with other people who want to stay sober.

I hope everyone has a safe, happy new year. And I hope that relief comes quickly to all affected by the Tsunami in the Indian Ocean.

I'm beginning to think nice guys really do finish last.

Lately I've been neglecting this site. What do I mean lately? This has been going on for like the last year and a half. I read sites like Jason Kotte's, Meg Hourihan's, and Jeffrey Zeldman's and feel so inspired to learn and to write, but when reading their articles I'm reminded how elementary my though process can be sometimes: See spot, see spot run...

I've been neglecting a lot of things lately. I'm neglecting taking care of myself. I'm not working out. I'm not eating right. I'm eating fast food every day cause I'm too lazy to go grocery shopping. I did vacuum around my bed, cleaned the matresses, made my bed, and put away my two-week old laundry, but I still have a lot more to do with my room, namely filing paperwork. And I feel so overwhelmed with all the books I want to read and all the technologies I want to study, that I am not taking any action; I don't know where to begin: should I finish Desiging with Web Standards before finishing my HMTL/XHTML/CSS book? Should I learn Photoshop before attempting to create my homepage or redesigning this blog? Should I work on my Computer Science degree at a community college or should I enroll in a Multimedia and Web Design program?

I've been sober for 31 days today. This time I'm a little more excited about it after considering I drank almost every day for 4 years straight. It was so hard trying to stay sober without being involved with AA; I'd find myself on Friday and Saturday night struggling to fight the urge to go out to my familiar haunts and party. And fight I did; it honestly was a battle cause I desperately wanted not to drink. I think the longest I could go would be two weeks before I'd be back drowning myself in mixed drinks, wine, and beer.

During yesterday's volleyball game, Jay said a rather hurtful comment. I was singing "As Fat as I am" by Bette Midler to make people laugh and wasn't paying attention to the game. Jay said something like "Why don't you stop singing and start playing the game, cause you're not doing a good job." That really hurt, and I left on the spot. Jay is critical of every player, ordering people around and telling them to "slow it down" or "bump, set, spike." He'd harped on me several times during the course of our game play, but that comment hit a deep nerve; it brought back all this childhood negativity and insecurity when I'd question if I was good enough to participate in playground activities. And to be honest, I was always an average-to-excellent player in any game I played, but there was this perception and judgment that I was too slow or inadequate a player because of my weight. But it made me so angry; angry that I could be taken back to a vulnerable time in my life so quickly, angry that I'd be upset over something so petty, and angry that I'd let someone affect me that way. I didn't drink over it, but I did use sex as a way to cope, channeling one addiction in another's absence. I did call Todd my sponser and left a message; I knew it was the right thing to do, but I also knew that he'd probably hear about it from someone that was at the game like his sponser. And I prayed last night to accept what happened, to acknowledge it and to move on, and to forgive Jay for a comment that probably wasn't meant to be as hateful as it came across. But tonight's meeting is held at Jay's house. I'm not really comfortable with that; my way is to put uncomfortable things off and procrastinate. Todd said that even if the meeting is held at Jay's house, that shouldn't interfere with my recovery; principals before personalites. Even though I like to put off uncomfortable situations and feelings, perhaps tonight's meeting will speed the healing process.

I don't think this is very fair. America was founded on the idea that anyone could practice whatever religion one wanted. It did not, however, establish a religion. Using the words "Under God", in my opinion, does establish a mono-theistic religion. I bet a Christian would be offended if that statement read rather "Under Chickens eggs" or something else.

In such a scenario, Akin said, Congress will have "emasculated the very heart of what America has always been about."

Tradition does not mean something is right or wrong. Just because "it's always been done that way" doesn't mean doesn't give the tradition merit. Just look at segregation, or interracial marriage for that matter.

Today was a very bad day. My car was impounded. I missed work. I don't know how I'll get to work now that they are located in Irvine. It's freaking hot. And I don't have a book to read now that I'm done with "the five people you meet in heaven."

I relapsed last on Friday, August 27th. I did so because I was feeling very low and crappy about myself; my new friend Mark stood me up. Immediately my thoughts turned to What did I do wrong? Why isn't he taking my call? Etc. This has happened before. I had gone to a meeting but I felt like my feelings didn't ultimately matter and that life is shit. So instead of dealing with my feelings and the issues behind them, I ran from them and got shitfaced. I checked out. And I spent the rest of the weekend feeling sorry for myself for not only the rejection I felt but for the relapse.

I finally got in touch with Mark and found out he had had a horrible day Friday and that standing me up had nothing to do with me; he didn't want to involve me. I forgave him although I felt like the least thing he could have done was let me know that something was happening and asking if we could reschedule. Instead, he ignored my calls Friday and didn't get in contact with me until Sunday night after I sent him an e-mail. Oh well. I hung out with him on Monday night and watched Undercover Brother. I had 2 glasses of wine.

And last night I went out to play pool and had 3 beers. I never got to play pool cause the line was too long and I was ready to leave by the time it was my turn.

I need to start working out. I can bitch on and on about this. I also need to get to a meeting.

I met someone online yesterday that I have a good feeling about. The only this is that he's in Witchita, Kansas, which is "not in the plan." We'll see...

I'm not very happy right now. I guess the manic stage is over. It seems like I can't take care of myself or do the bare minimum like wake up on time or work out or ever shower or floss. And I feel horrible about yesterday; I was supposed to go to Costa Mesa and squat to see a counselor, but I sprained my foot on Sunday and used it as an excuse to stay home and masturbate all day, yet I called into work mid-day to "check in" and say I was still up in Orange County waiting for a counselor. Part of the AA program is to admit mistakes and make ammends when necessary. I so don't want to tell anyone about this, especially work. And I'm not on that stage of the program yet. What do I do?

I also injured my back on Sunday. I was playing volleyball with a bunch of people from AA, and I fell twice, once twisting my back and another time spraining my ankle. I want to see the chiropractor, but because of missing Monday and because I was late two times last week while my boss was out of town which she called me on, I'm hesitant to ask for the time off. I will try to schedule an appointment around lunchtime so I can use that time. I can't do this now, though, cause I'm running low on gas and I'm still waiting for my new ATM card; I left my old card at an ATM accidently. So I'm conserving gas where possible since I have $5 cash until my ATM card arrives.

I'm just a mess.

My family dynamic and my lack of connection to it has been really bothering me lately. I've had several dreams about my father's side of the family; in one dream, I'm carrying my baby sister and my father tells me that no matter how many times I fall down my sister is not to touch the ground. Of course I fall many times, but I'm always careful that she doesn't get hurt. It's just another reminder that my needs and general welfare were never my father's concern.

I'll write more about this later.

Day 32 sober, woohoo.

I saw my psychiatrist today and got my Effexor dosage upped. I also talked to her about cognitive behavior therapy and found out my therapists can work on this with me.

I've been feeling much better lately. So good, in fact, that I'm making all these plans and endeavors in my head; I'm beginning to think I'm having a manic episode. It's not to the degree that I'll move to NYC without any pause to consider long-term effects or to think things through, but I feel good for no real reason. I shouldn't question why I feel good and should get lost in the euphoria. I think I've been happy because I cleaned my room up a bit and did some laundry - major accomplishments for me. I need to keep at it, and I will, just a little bit here and there one day at a time. I need to make a schedule and I need to keep a list of all the little projects I want to do.

I finished One Hundred Years of Solitude. All I can say at the moment is wow - what an amazing book! After I finished the book, I felt unfairly abandoned, burning with a sense of loss, tragedy and love that this book is filled with.

My depression hasn't been alleviated; it's still hard for me to get out of bed in the mornings. I've felt good today, but I spent the entire weekend in bed until about 7pm Sunday evening. Saturday I was supposed to go to a DUI education class and Sunday morning I was supposed to play tennis with Rancy, yet I napped in bed most of the time. I meet with my Psychiatrist on Thursday to discuss my medications. I'm going to tell her how unfocused and down I've been for the past two months. All I have been concentrating on is my lack of concentration, and I'm tired of being unproductive. I don't want to start my new life in Orange County this this mode.

I'm really worried - tomorrow I have a court date where restitution is assessed, stemming from the DUI I had back on November 15th. I hit a car which hit a parked car, and I'm paying the insurance company of the car I hit roughly $15,000 for damages. What if I'm charged some exorbitant amount? How will I afford moving to Irvine/Costa Mesa? I've been thinking lately that the best thing to do in the interim is commute everyday to save money in rent since I currently pay Rancy $150/month. I don't want to consider bankruptcy, but if it's like $25,000, what will I do? A dark cloud hovers over my financial progress.

Today is sober day 29, and I me

I've been taking Effexor since last August, but the last few months have been intense dealing with my depression and alcoholism. I think taking the pill is a good start, but it's not a long-term solution. I want to ask my Psychiatrist and therapist about this:

Psychotherapy Without Antidepressants Best For Battling Depression

I've been sober 22 days now. I stayed sober during Gay Pride, so I'm grateful for that.

I've been in a funk for the last few months. I'm trying to work through it.

Why do I resent cute guys? I reject them the second I see them. I think it's because I don't want to be rejected.

Why can't I stick to a workout program? I can't stick to any program I create. I can, but I'm lazy and I give up. I need to stick to a workout program. I need to write out a plan and stick to it.

I wrote down a list of short-term goals while at work today. That should help getting motivated to start working on something. I'm wasting my time doing nothing. I don't want to look back in 5 years and be as regretful as I am over the past 5 years.

Today is day 15 sober.

I haven't been motivated to write much.  I'm trying not to suffocate in bills and court-ordered obligations.

I drank this weekend. I went out Friday and met a new person from A4A named Mark at the Loft, then we headed to Pecs. He spent the night with me. We went to breakfast in the AM after he ran home to care for the 7 Havanese dogs he breeds, then went out and did a repeat of the previous night except this time I spent the night with him.

The next morning we had coffee then he drove me home. We had planned to go to the Hole later in the afternoon but he said we was busy grooming one of the dogs of which he has a potential buyer. I think he was just over me by then. I haven't heard from him since.

I've decided to stay clear of gay.com and A4A and focus on other things, no matter how bored I get or how strong the desire to "surf" becomes. This is my first step at setting boundaries. Next I shall be working on a routine: working out and eating right. Finally, I'll focus on working the AA program; going to meetings, finding a sponser, and reading the big book.

I am invited to a 4th of July party. I probably shouldn't go because there'll be a lot of drinking there. I think I will invite someone from AA with me so that I'll be ok. I'll look into it.

I don't know why I continue doing things I shouldn't do. For instance, I met someone from online yesterday and biked to his house where I had gin for the first time mixed with Mountain Dew and smoked pot with the guy. I was so damn high; I had the most incredible epiphanies yet I failed trying to communicate them any time I opened my mouth. The guy I think was disappointed with me, but I guess that's fine since the "touching and sucking" session was pretty much one-sided. I pretty much got an e-mail send off with "thanks for coming"; should I have reminded him I never did? Just acknowledge and move on.

I need to set boundaries. I need to create a routine. I need to work a program.

It was a shitty day at work too. I forgot to take my irritability medication last night, and the pot didn't help, so I was a cranky bitch all day to everyone over the stupidest things. I met with our department's new VP, my boss, and a few other people for a little roundtable session, and I couldn't think straight and couldn't communicate my thoughts, and I was extremely intimidated at the meeting by all the senior personnel in the room. So needless to say I was disappointed in all my shakey half-sentences. I also realized I cannot jeopardize my job by being so irresponsible as getting high and drinking again. I think I started drinking again because somehow I think I can manage and control it. I'm going back to meetings, no questions asked this time.

One good thing is I got my bike tires filled with air on Sunday, so I no longer have an excuse not to go to the 8 o'clock meeting anymore... at least, not the same excuse. I got the air filled because I had to bike to Steve's house to go to lunch with him at this lo-carb restaurant called "Indulgance". I ran into someone I used to work with named Claudia, which was a nice surprise. But after lunch I headed to Pecs; surprisingly, I had a great time. And I met someone named Mario who came over to watch "Lost in Translation". He disappointed me with his embellished endowment, but I was quite happy with his kissing abilities.

Monday night I was good and stayed home doing laundry. And tonight I stayed home as well and cleaned my room a little, studying networking a little, but spent most of my time jerking off, damn it. Up the meds!

Things to do tonight:

 • Empty Litter Box/Feed Cats
 • Finish File Sort
 • Laundry
 • Vacuum Floor
 • E-mail Clean up
 • Call Sponser
 • Start CIW Online Training

I cycled off my medication over the last 5 days. I am so broke that I couldn't afford the $40 co-pay. I broke down and wrote a check last night to get my refills. It would be okay, I figured, since I would get paid the following day.

I haven't done anything in the last few days; it was so hard to focus on anything for any length of time, so I spent all day Sunday watching Christopher Guest movies.

I've been so short-tempered at work with my assistant Michael. I have to stop and ask myself, "why?" Today other co-workers semi-teased, semi-lectured me on my abrasiveness. I am really really trying hard to curb this issue, but I'll try harder.

On Tuesday I left Garrick's gay ex-mormon dinner party early and went to Steve's house, and I had my feelings sorta hurt cause his feelings were hurt over a CD I'm supposed to make him. I made a first attempt at making the CD, but it didn't play on his player; it was only recognizing one track when the CD contained about 12 songs. When I viewed the tracks in my laptop, I noticed the playlist I'd copied the songs from was listed like a track, and the songs in the playlist were bulleted underneath the playlist title. So I'm going to create a new CD with a few minor song selection changes per Steve and troubleshoot this playlist thing. I was more hurt over the blunt way he stated his complaint and also by the fact that he was hurt by something in my opinion that is so minor. But I need to be respectful of his feelings, so I'm going to work on the CD tonight. The incident put Steve in a different light; hopefully, though, the light is only flickering and just needs a new bulb.

Rancy is out of town for the week. And Mikey's car is being repossessed, which is good; now I can't drive around on a suspended license, stupid me. It's not worth it, yet I can't stop using the car for small errands like going to a meeting or to play tennis.

I had a date with Al last night. He's a mid-30s house reinovator who's also a great chef. We had a very amicable dinner, then he rather unpleasantly surprised me by showing me all his work-related Websites; I felt like he invited me over only to talk about himself and get some feedback on his sites. One of Al's businesses is this libido enhancing herbal concoction called "Boom"; he "asked" me to take some with him. We ended up having sex while watching Clueless in his bed. Ugh!

I've also realized that I have a hard time believing what people say. I mistrust them, thinking their statements are ingenuous. I need to work on that. I think it has to do with growing up always hearing broken promises and lies.

I've been having the strangest dreams. This morning's dream takes place at a McDonald's parking lost where I'm about 6 or so and my ficticious brother is ran over. Then I go into hiding from my mother, ending up at an Intel Processor conference with Beyonce Knowles exalting Xeon and Pentium processors. I leave the conference slipping through a back door and running through a park where a white woman in a long, hippish dress made of hemp and a black man are talking about some geographical food I'm unfamiliar with.

I have dinner tonight with Garrick and 6-7 of his gay, ex-mormon friends. That should be fun. I need to make the meeting prior to dinner though.

I went to the 8 o'clock NA meeting today. The topic was "what do you do to get out of a funk" or something to that nature. I heard some really good shares, but I spent most of the time deconstructing my sexual compulsions during the meeting. I realize that I suffer from a bad case of "terminal uniqueness" as I've heard others say, and I admitted to myself that I feel like everyone should be attracted to me. I end up resenting the people that are not into me. But at the same time if someone thinks I'm cute and is interested, I unconsiously feel I'm not worthy and feel unattractive and don't know how to handle the persons interest in me. I hate how catch-22 that cycle is. Now that I've identified it, I think I need to actively participate in some real sexual healing through an SLAA or SCA meeting. I wasn't comfortable with the one SLAA meeting I was at, but I need to face that and press forward. I rushed home to meet someone on ICUII that was interested in hooking up even though I know I shouldn't; luckily, he wasn't online so that fell through. I'm going to stay away from chat and other online environments. I think that's best.

I did call my sponser earlier today. She's feeling better. I'm going to call her tomorrow and check in. I need to commit to more work -- half measures avail me nothing! But I'm glad I finally finished "phase I" of cleaning my room; all my files have gone through an initial file grouping. I ended up throwing away 2 full trashbags of waste in all, mostly NSF statements. But I'm happy I have that done -- yeaye, and accomplishment!

Today was my first day at work with Megan out on maternity leave. I think I did very well, considering I was juggling both her responsibilities and my supervision my old ones with Michael acting in my place.

Speaking of funks, I am sorta in one right now over my finances. I'm cutting my medication in half because I'm out of money and can't afford a refill right now, but I know that is so wrong to do. I'll see how that goes. I'm filing my Flex Account spendings tomorrow, so I should get $273 in the next few days. That will really help out. I need to pay $41 to register for this 6-day work program the court assigned me as part of my DUI sentencing, but I don't have the money to do that. I thought I heard or saw that I have 72 hours from the time I went to the courthouse to meet with a counselor for my assessment. That's already passed, but I hope I can still pay for the registration and move on. This afternoon I scheduled my DUI-class orientation for Monday, June 21st at 8am. It's 4 hours long, and I have to pay $391 upfront; they only do a payment plan if I'm on disability. That's so unfair, but those are the knocks. But I'm glad I've got that thing off my belt. I have to start my $1700 fine payments by July 9th. One good thing I did today, in regard to paying bills, is that I applied to have my student loan paid electronically which reduces my interest charge by .25%. It's a start.

The weekend comes to an end. I played tennis this morning with Rancy and gave up in the middle of the 2nd set cause I was so frustrated with my hitting. I asked him what was wrong with me. He demonstrated by getting me back on the court for 5 more minutes against my wishes and throwing the ball at me. I learned my hit preparation isn't the best and I rush the hit. So I will work on that next Friday at doubles.

I'm recognizing that it's ok to be single. But I've been "seeing" this guy named Steve, and it's the very first time I've met someone intelligent, sensitive, masculine, attractive AND interested in me. But I don't know what will happen when I move to Irvine. It's not in my control, so I'll just see how things go with him. But he's a very sweet guy, and I love his kooky Aikida dog named Hormone; he was abused as a pup and is very skiddish around people.

Today is my 7th day of sobriety. I went to an NA Speaker Meeting and listened to Glenn share his experiences with shooting heroin for 12 or so years. It's amazing how someone can loose so much time to prison terms and not be regretful of the past. I need to remember that the past is not wasted. On the eve of moving to Irvine I was thinking, while cleaning my room finally, about what life was like 5 years ago when I moved back to San Diego. I was enrolled in an English class I have still yet to finish. I started regretting the time I've wasted these last 5 years with my school endeavors. So I need to remember the past is not wasted.

I need to get back to cleaning my room; I'm almost done with my initial "filing" project where I sort the wreckage of the last 5 years into smaller, more manageable piles to be later sorted again into yet smaller, more manageable piles until I'm ultimately done. I have this huge "bills" pile that I'm NOT looking forward to. But got to face it so I can take care of my finances and move on with my life.

I had a good weekend. I went home from work early on Friday and was able to complete my lower-body workout, then played doubles tennis with the San Diego Tennis Federation. Later, I watched "Kissing Jessica Stein" with Todd and had burgers on bagels. What a great movie KJS is! I spent Saturday with Steve making a nice low-carb pasta salad for lunch and watching "Psycho Beach Party," then went to bed early cause I was so sore from working out. On Sunday, I had brunch with Jonathan, played tennis with Rancy, and hung out with Troy and his friend David (who just moved here from Pennsylvania) at Pecs, going to bed early again. Monday I did my upper-body workout, then spent about 4 hours at the beach with Jonathan and his friend Martin and Martin's friend Corey. My legs got a lot of sun, so I'm burnt right now. But I ended up having one wine cooler while basking in the sun, so back to day one of sobriety today.

I skipped my morning workout this morning, but I'll make it up tomorrow. I was going to make up the workout after work, but I'm going to see my mom. I happened to come out to her on the phone, which was no big deal; she had an idea already that I was. But she's going through a horrible time right now. I really don't want to be caught up in her drama, but she does need someone to listen to her and to help her pack/store her stuff while she goes back into a treatment/rehab center. So I have that to look forward to. She's also broke, and I don't have any money I can realistically lend her. I know I have to do what's best for me first. I just don't want to get in the position of telling her what to do or how to lead her life. I don't know - I'll be open and see where that leads me. I don't want her drama and stress to cause me to relapse, so I have to be very careful while supportive of her.

I called my sponser today and told her I relapsed.

Ughh...

I had 2 glasses of wine last night - there goes my sobriety. Oh well, got to 63 days this time. And I wasn't even drunk; I figured if I'm gonna blow my sobriety I should go all out, and I didn't do that. Maybe that's a step toward recovery.

I can't find my wallet. The last time I saw it was at the Balboa Tennis Club. Hopefully I'll find it in Mikey's car.

OMG I had the most amazing business ephiphany today, thanks to an article I read in a BusinessWeek magazine I "borrowed" from my doctor's office. This idea helps clarify my academic direction. I need to look into Small Business ventures. Sheeesh, so much on my plate, but this idea is really exciting me from just the peripheral planning I'm doing in my head. I need to research the "niche" of my business idea.

I can't believe I let my finances get so mismanaged as to have -$589 in my account (my account says I have available -$789 or so, I'm confused by this). Ugh!! I thought I was taking charge, instead of living large. Budget, budget, budget. I need to get rid of expenses I don't really need to incur.

I'm so irritable lately. I don't think the Risperdal I'm taking for it is working. Yes, it's an anti-psychotic, but my Psychiatrist said in low dosages, Risperdal has helped with irritability.

I've been reading up on Blogger help in preparation for a site redesign. I'm also looking registering my domain name and having Yahoo host the site. We'll see.

I got my medication refilled. Just experiencing a lot of sleepiness, but that may be because I'm not taking my vitamins nor hydroxycut. I'm eating a lot of junk food too, and my appetite has returned.

Last night went to a disco roller skate thing for AA. Felt isolated and alone and wanted to drink, but talked to Phillip and felt a lot better, though the desire was still there. Yes, I know drinking won't solve anything nor make me feel any better. The desire is just part of the sickness, I guess.

I need to get my medications refilled. I'm on day 2 or 3 of cycling off Effexor because I ran out. I need to describe how it feels. I'll be walking and suddenly struck with this icy vertigo chill starting in my head then spreading wake-like through the rest of my body, all lasting for about half a second.

It's weird I can't remember if it was Sunday or Monday that I last took Effexor. My memory is starting to go. Actually, it's not my memory; I'm just so overwhelmed with things to do and remember that the "lessor-priority" things are being premptived.

I'm getting irritated with going to meetings too. I met with my sponser yesterday and brought up some issues I had that occurred while doing a worksheet on the first step. I don't feel like I've hit my bottom, and I can't "utterly" surrender to the fact that I'm an alcoholic and that I cannot overcome the unmanageablity of life with the help of a power greater than myself. I tried communicating this at a meeting last night and felt like I was rambling and unconnected. Maybe it's from cycling off my medication. I don't really know. But tonight when I get home I'm going to find my new prescription and get it filled.

I like this new format for Blogger. I'll add to my ever-growing list of things to do to explore more of the features of blogger and to update the look/feel of my site.

I'm listing to NPR and Nancy Reagan was pressing for Stem-Cell research on fetuses and discussed how so much time has been lost in the research. I'm assuming she's referring to the Alzheimers disease her husband is suffering from.

I find it ironic that she would be pressing for research that her party, the Republican party, has opposed, however, while her husband was President, so much "time was lost" in AIDS/HIV research; I believe Ronald Reagan never uttered the AIDS world while President.

My weekend feels like it was wasted, but I know it wasn't. I made all these plans to do AA events and I forgot that I'd already committed covering Troy's shift making burgers at Pecs while he worked for Stan. Sunday was better: had a 2 1/2 hr lunch with a person I'd met online, discussing spirituality and sexual fantasies; played tennis for 2 hr with the roommate; and helped a friend pack/move to Phoenix. Last night, I spent some time with John and his dog Butch. He seems like such a sweet guy, and has an incredible house. I was touched that he appreciated how open I was in sharing my story with him, and he opened up in return -- a very nice connection.

Last day of April, so I thought I would write.

Actually, I'm gonna try writing every day, or at least after I've gone to an AA meeting. I want to write down what I'm feeling and what I've taken away from the meetings I attend.

What -- AA? you're probably asking. Yes, I started going to AA meetings in December. I haven't been writing anything of substance for the past year. A lot has been going on.

I gotta post soon. Hopefully this weekend I can do some catch-up once I make some headway on my room.

Oh, by the way - men suck. Yeah yeah, stereotype, but it's true.

Thought I should check in. Still don't feel like writing. Well, I do and I don't. I'm on my 7th day of sobriety.