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I haven't worked out since Thursday - I'm going today. I stopped since I haven't been eating. I haven't been eating cause I have no food. I have no food cause lack of money. But I ordered a pizza with a check that will hopefully clear sometime after next Friday, and I feel guilty for eating such crap. And I think now that I'm eating this, I'll have enough energy to work out; that was my primary concern - passing out on the cross-country machine.

UVA Computer Science: The Oracle of Bacon at Virginia

Hillcrest Landmark

I started taking Hydroxycut last Wednesday. I don't really like how I feel; I get headaches and I feel this pressure on my chest like someone is laying on top of me. But I had this tremendous amout of energy, until I started working out. I worked out on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday and haven't feel good since, however, I think it's due to not eating many carbohydrates since I was on a modified version of Adkins. I weighed myself on Thursday - 245#. I can't believe it - I'm a tank! Oh well, I don't look like I weight that much, or else everyone is lying to my face. I don't think I do, but oh well; my perception has been warped on this matter everytime I've gained weight. Last time when I got up to 220# right after the navy, I didn't realize I was that big until I'd lost the weight and saw pictures of myself weight 220#.

When I eat though, I feel much better. Today, I've had 2 powerbars (immediately I felt better) and a shake and right now I'm feeling sleepy and have a really bad headache. I need to have some sort of regular diet set up - something in the morning, a sandwich and salad for lunch and something for dinner. I'm gonna work out tonight and see how that goes.

I'm at the library before Master Chorale meets, some girl walks into the library and sets the alarm off, the type of alarm that would annouce to everyone that the alleged theif has hoisted a book unchecked, and this dorky volunteer student librarian tracked her all through the library trying to find out why she beeped - he looks somewhat like Stephen King and how I would imaging the author to walk...hunched over a bit, somewhat lurching as he tredded. Anyway, this "cool" guy at the computer was scoffing under his breath while the dorky guy persues the perp, all the while straining to watch his path as he chases the girl. Laughing, just laughing at the dork. And here I am, a dork of sorts, straining to see this "cool" looking guy, laughing at the cool guy under my breath. Is that ironic, or is that a common thing?

I am sorta upset that all these 19 and 20 year old college guys look as adult as they do - they are men! I don't see myself as a man, and I know I'm not a boy, somewhere in between. Boyish looking, man body. But these guys are just rugged, reeking of masculinity. I was coming out of the bathroom after basically popping a zit (an common adolescent thing) as this uber he-Man lumbered in to take a piss, uh-rah! Big, bulky guy. And me, kinda scurrying by. Well not scurrying, but not really making any waves in the pool, either.

I'm not running at the moment; I've been on the no-carbs thing for over a week, and have no energy to expend any activity really, let alone running. I was listen to Jeff and Jer this morning and they were discussing hydroxy-cut or something, and how it gives one energy to go to the gym and be more active while cutting down on calorie intake. I think I can use that and create a diet suited for my needs and goals. Something worth looking into.

Wow I finally get Mary Tyler Moore; what a wonderful show. I remember reading Michael Mouse's Valentine's Day resolutions for 1997 in Tales of the City affirming that he would not cry when the series went off the air. I learned last night that the last episode premiered on March 19, 1977. I missed out on so much...I really wish I was born in the 1950s and able to experience the 70s. I remember discussing death in a Philosophy class, and the instructor was explaining our irrational fears of death; people do not regret not living any earlier than they did, but are fearful/regretful about dying and missing anything that is to come after one's death. He also said that it's irrational to think that dying young is a tragedy whereas dying of old age isn't; John Keats, author of Ode on a Grecian Urn, died at the age of 24. This is seen as a tragic death, even though it was of natural causes, but the death of an elderly gentleman of the same natural causes isn't preceived as tragic. I digress...

I didn't agree with the professor's first point, and my love for the 70s just confirms my disagreement; I would've loved to have been of age during the 70s. It all probably looks good in retrospect, not because I'm comparing it to today's culture and longing for "a simplier time," but because it's all been studied and we congratulate ourselves on understanding everything about that decade.

I just ran 1/2 mile.. I'm proud that I did, but all this extra weight I'm carrying around is causing strain on my back, strain that was aggrevated when I helped Troy move. I think I'll begin working my back at the gym; I've only been doing the reclined bicycle as my exercise regimine, so my stamina is up, but the strength to support my lard ass for the long hall is absent. :)

I'm reading The Night Listener and was so happy to discover that characters from the Tales of the City series are included. Anna is the main character's assistant, and her brother Edgar is mentioned as well as her two mothers Dedra and Dorothea. I'm only on page 40 but I hope others are mentions; I've always wondered what has happened with all the characters of the series - if Michael Mouse died; how Mary Ann is doing in New York; etc. Maupin's style is very simple but very effective.

Moo Cat has been very sick lately, but she seems to be getting better; lately she hasn't been eating at all, isn't sociable, doesn't meow, and is very inactive. Now she's eating again, is very vocal once again, and is sleeping on Rancy's bed. I hope she's over whatever she was suffering from.

I'm so ashamed of myself; not only have I spent the entire weekend frantically masturbating, but I had a conversation about a horrible thing. I'm so made at myself, but my hormones were completely in control; I'm so obessive-compulsive, and couple that with manic-depressive tendancies (self diagnosed at this point), I'm just a fucked-up guy. I don't mean to get down on myself, but maybe venting my demons here will do some good, however, I don't want this to be an archive of all my unfulfilled goals and dreams, which so far it is becoming.

I still don't have my car, but I may get one on May 15th; Troy found this place across from his new apartment complex that finances anyone. They buy cars from auctions I think, so this company can do that. Troy said that with $500 down I can get a $3000 car, and the monthly payments would be like $100 a month. I will definitely pay more than that; I don't want this hanging over my head. I'll have a car insurance bill I'll be paying too. Once I get the car, I'm going to get a second job, probably delivering pizzas or something. Something that I have potential making a lot of extra cold-hard-cash in. I estimate I can make up to $200 in tips per week, maybe more, plus with my paycheck (minimun wage I'm sure) I anticipate raking in an extra $1000 per month. That would be good - help pay off the car quicker, then go to paying off bills and also paying for car insurance. I want to pay off all my bills and then save up money for the next two years so I can go to school full time. I was thinking of UC Berkeley's Computer Science program, but I read an article in today's San Diego Union Tribune about how UCSD has a revolutionary wireless communication network. I think that would be a cool place to study. Plus, as much as I hate the thought of staying in San Diego, I would still be able to take classes at Grossmont College; they have an awesome Music program and extensive Photography classes that aren't matched anywhere else - at least I haven't found any place else. Though UC Berkeley and the Bay Area are really really my passion, it may prove more advantageous to stay rooted here.

I have so many ideas for novels and screenplays; it's too bad I'm so damn lazy, or when I think about writing I end up going online instead and jerking off. That's what keeps me from working out too. Fucking hormones. One of the first things I plan on doing is seeking therapy; so much damn shit I have to weed through. But I'm leary of it at the same time; I want an instant cure. Yet I know that isn't possible. And I also know that it might take years to help me. I'm so messed up; moody, brooding, violently depressed one moment then jovial and bubbly the next. It's weird how the older I've gotten the more depressed I've gotten. Actually, most of it stems from my weight. I wasn't like this a year ago, however, a year ago I drank too much. I don't drink as much as I did then. I think I wasted a year just drinking and spending what little money I earned at the Loft. Then I found another way to vent my psychosis; eating. And I hate talking about my problems too; I am so afraid that I'll cry or get upset or something, but that is exactly what I need to do. I'm just afraid to open up like that. I think that is why I drank and ate as much as I did. Now that I have a computer, I'm turning to excessive masturbation as another unhealthy form of security/comfort. Moving is not going to help it, thought that isn't why I want to move; I just love San Fran! And I'm tired of San Diego - I'm from here. You're supposed to grow up and move away.

Why am I so chatty right now? I think it's cause I'm avoiding going to sleep. I have to be up at 5am; I've been late every day almost for the past 4 weeks since I stopped car pooling with Jeremy. My boss called at 8 tonight saying he wanted to pick me up to make sure I'm at work on time; that is soo bad. So I'm waking up early to take the bus to work to get there way early. And be bored. All day. Though the job is going better; I think I had a few stressful weeks there; everyone on my team is new to his/her position, and we had 3 new series rolling out the week my team finally relocated to San Diego. Before that, my team was in Boston. My boss worked here for 3 weeks and one in Boston. He relocated here from Boston for the position with the condition he could fly back and forth to see his family and work from the satillite office there. Now that that site has closed, or technically closes the end of May, I wonder what he'll do now.

Oh I remember. I had a thought about staying in my room and never coming out. Then I remembered hearing this story of a 900 pound man being stuck in his house and having to get the jaws of life to get him out of his house. No shit; there were like 50 people helping - firefighters, police, etc. It was on the news; how embarrassing. I'm already embarrassed enough as it is.

I have to go to work tomorrow to correct some mistake someone else made. I'm going to take the bus up there, then ride the broken bike I borrowed from my mother like 2 years ago when she still lived in the house in Spring Valley.

I went to a party at Alice's tonight; she has a beautiful home. I like her a lot. But I was thinking about how I want to cut everyone out of my life (like the "never leave my room" thought above) and I would have no problem never speaking to her nor anyone else again. Sigh. I'm sick of everyone.

I need to just be by myself for the next month so I can focus on me.

I think even if I moved, I would still not be happy. I just need to focus on classes and work and losing weight. I had some profound thought and I can't remember it. Darn ER is on....