I saw a complete episode of "The West Wing" for the first time ever. I suppose I was subconsciously avoiding this show cause I knew if I watched it I would be hooked, and...surprise! Now I have to add it to my list of must-forget-my-life TV:

Sex and the City
Six Feet Under
CSI: Crime Scene Investigation
The Real World
Law and Order
E! True Hollywood Stories
E! Celebrity Profile
Will and Grace
Anything on Discovery/History/Learning Channel
Newly Added:The West Wing

Don't get me wrong; I don't watch these shows all day all the time, but they are shows I do try to follow.

I'm tired of not having a computer. Not only because I can't take the online training courses I want to take, but I can only update my blog from work (so excuse the haphazard entries and presentation). I can only post and update in between working, so when I have a brilliant idea, I have to write as much as possible until I'm interrupted by work. That's why there are some posts that read "[to be finished later]." It's quite aggravating. Like right now! I have to get back to work.

Okay, just so it's been said I'm not a totally heartless, unpatriotic bitch: every time I hear Whitney Houston's "Star Stangled Banner," I can't help but get choked up at the very end when she sings "land of the free, and the home of the brave" and the Super Bowl XXV crowd goes ecstatic.

I have a problem with Lee Greenwood's "God Bless the USA." Not because it mentions God, but because when I was in Navy boot camp, our Recruit Division Commanders (RDC) played this song at least once a day, sometimes more...definately more on weekends. I can't help but think of mind control and brainwashing. So I have difficulting not rolling my eyes during this song.

To continue on yesterday's theme...

This article - "America's War on Terror: For Muslims Who Love or Hate bin Laden, One Demand - Show Us The Proof" - discusses how Muslims, even those who dispise bin Laden, would like to see proof that bin Laden is in fact responsible for the WTC/Pentagon disasters:

"Pakistanis may admire America, Sayedain said, but few carry that to blind faith. In the past, he explained, people have seen from Washington too many half-truths, damaging blunders and cynical policy shifts."

I completely agree because there are people saying other parties than the Taliban are responsible. Many Muslims, also hurt by the recent terrorist attacks, are eager to blame someone, and who easier to blame old enemies:

"'Israel did it,' said Mohammed Wali, 21, with thick black hair and a piercing gaze. 'Just before the attack, 4,000 Jews secretly left the World Trade Center. I know this. The source was American intelligence.'"

This article - ”America's War on Terror: Definition of Victory in New War Elusive" - has an official war been declared? I don't recall Congress approving a Presidential declaration of war, especially a declaration of war against a specific group/country. Don't we have to specify who we declare war on? Are we doing another Vietnam/Diem Bien Phu?

And here's an unlinkable article that comes to no surprise to me:

Rights concerns fade in hunt for allies

KNIGHT-RIDDER NEWS SERVICE
September 26, 2001


WASHINGTON -- In his search for allies in a new war on terrorism, President Bush -- at least for now -- has pushed long-standing U.S. concerns about human rights and democracy to the background.

Bush has suddenly reached out to -- and in some cases is relying on -- countries and groups that had previously been held at arm's length because of concerns about gross human-rights violations.

They include Central Asian countries such as Uzbekistan that are virtual one-man dictatorships; longtime U.S. adversaries such as Iran, Syria and Sudan that are themselves on the State Department's list of terrorist-sponsoring nations; and the armed opposition to Afghanistan's Taliban rulers, some of whom are accused by U.S. officials of everything from kidnapping to rape, torture and political killings.

Bush administration officials acknowledge that the politics of coalition-building makes for some unseemly bedfellows. But, they say, such concerns must take a back seat to the overriding need to find those responsible for killing nearly 7,000 Americans on Sept. 11 and to prevent terrorist attacks.

"The current situation definitely seems to bolster pragmatism," said one White House official, speaking on condition of anonymity.

"I don't think it (human rights) is in any way off the radar screen," said a senior State Department official, who likewise spoke on the condition that his name not be used. But, he said, concerns over U.S. partners' human-rights records should not be a bar to bringing those responsible for the attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon to justice.

Others, including human-rights advocates and some members of Congress, say they worry about making the fight against terrorism the new organizing principle of U.S. foreign policy.

The long-term consequences of the new alliances appear to have been given little thought in Bush and Secretary of State Colin Powell's coalition-building, they say.

For a precedent, the critics say, Bush and Powell need look no further than Afghanistan itself. There, to fight the Soviet Union, the United States supplied arms to the same Islamic fighters who are now attacking U.S. interests worldwide.

Elsewhere around the world during the Cold War, Washington allied itself with corrupt dictators from Africa to Latin America as long as they agreed to be bulwarks against communism.

"We're very concerned that the 'anything goes' attitude toward human rights, when it came to building a Cold War alliance, may be resumed now in the fight against terrorism," said Kenneth Roth, director of New York-based Human Rights Watch, an independent organization that investigates human-rights violations. "If that is the result, the terrorists will have won a major victory."

In a letter sent to Powell on Monday, Roth and Human Rights Watch chairman Jonathan Fanton urged him not to let U.S. coalition partners use the anti-terrorism banner as an excuse to crack down on their internal opponents.

In many countries, they wrote, "there already is a sense that the United States may condone actions committed in the name of fighting terrorism that it would have condemned just a short time ago."

Potentially most controversial is Bush's tentative outreach to Iran and Syria, both of whom sponsor terrorists who oppose Israel.

The White House has few illusions that either one will stop promoting terror, but hopes they will provide intelligence on the Sept. 11 attacks and tell groups they control to cease terrorist operations for now, according to diplomatic sources.

In Uzbekistan, President Islam Karimov runs "an authoritarian state with limited civil rights," according to the State Department's latest annual human-rights report. In his bid to root out the extremist Islamic Movement of Uzbekistan, Karimov has cracked down viciously on mosques not approved by his government.

Uzbekistan is fast becoming a major staging ground for potential U.S. strikes into neighboring Afghanistan.

"Getting into bed with dictators is a bad strategy, generally, unless it's a quickie," said Martha Brill Olcott, a Central Asia specialist at the Carnegie Endowment for International Peace.

A crackdown in Uzbekistan could breed more Islamic extremism and even terrorism, Olcott said. "Corrupt regimes breed this kind of opposition," she said.

In their fight against terrorism, she said, it's not clear that Bush and his aides are "sensitive to the tension between their short-term and long-term goals."

Bush asked Congress for blanket authority to waive for up to five years sanctions that bar military assistance to countries whose human rights or weapons proliferation practices raise U.S. concerns. Congress balked, and the White House agreed to a one-year waiver on a case-by-case basis. It will be used for Pakistan and India, State Department officials said.

Copyright 2001 Union-Tribune Publishing Co.

Yeah, since when has this been our standard of diplomacy and Foreign Policy?

As much as I would like to believe otherwise, if we go to war, it may be under the guises of fighting terrorism, but it definately isn't for humanity or freedom or any of those virtues. It's about retaliation, that's all. Millions of Afghanistans have been subjected to the cruel Taliban regime for the last 5 years; where women receive no medical attention because practically all doctors are male and the men aren't allowed to see the women; where woman are murdered on almost a daily basis in public arenas and former soccer stadiums; where families are starving and suffering because U.N. relief such as food and medical is being confiscated by the Taliban. What have we done for the last 5 years. Yeah, we're doing this for the good of humanity. It's called ego. I'm sorry, but I would like to believe otherwise. Look at Iraq. The sanctions imposed 10 years ago on Iraq are still in place, sanctions that are not hurting Saddam or his henchmen as is intended; the U.N. estimates that thousands of children die each week due to starvation and medical neglect, the causation these sanctions. I'm surprised countries like Pakistan and Saudia Arabia are rallying, probably regretfully, to US aid. Probably for fear of retaliation by us American bullies. The media is saying that bin Laden received a major blow with the announcement of Saudia Arabia, the birthplace of Islam, supporting American efforts against bin Laden. What bombast propaganda. "Pundits" analyzing why these countries are coming to our aid say that it's due to the threat of bin Laden against each countries' own regime. *breath breath breath* I would feel better about all this and whole-heartedly support this operation is agendas were not being misconstrued into a fight for humanity and against oppression. Yeah, in Afghanistan's case, 5 years too late.

I so want to move to San Francisco. Sigh...hell, I'd settle for San Leandro, heheh. (I'm kidding - I wouldn't settle for it...kidding again.)

On a more academic note, I've been reading several sources on the history of Israel, Palestine, and Islam. Time published this article that only touches on the roots of rage Islamic extemists hold. For the last several years I have been reading information on Middle Eastern countries, though I don't know the reason why. I'm really fascinated by their religion, culture, people, economic conditions, et cetera. We never really studied these countries in high school, so I thought I should take it upon myself to read up on Islam and Arab countries to satisfy personal curiosity.

A lot of Arab hatred toward the US is due to our support of Israel. I'm researching why we support Israel more than Palestine, not to say that we should or shouldn't. There probably is some doctrine out there like the Marshall Plan or something that sets American Foreign Policy on Israel/Palestinian relations, but I can't seem to find this document. Is our ardent support of Israel because of the WWII/Holocaust-pacifism guilt? I really don't know. A lot of Arab/Israeli conflict is due to Israeli control of Jerusalem. According to Islam, this city is the third holiest after Mecca and Medina. On the other hand, the Jewish faith believes that this land is promised to them through Abraham's Covenant with God. Which faith justifies ownership of Jerusalem, or the area of Israel and Palestine for that matter? Israeli/Arab conflicts date back many centuries prior to mythological Romulus and Remus' establishment of ancient Rome. Both peoples have suffered indignities, injustices and unprecedented violence at the hands of each other as well as from outside parties, e.g. the Crusades of the 11th-13th Centuries. A personal question I have concerning the Jewish faith and Torah: why isn't Jesus recognized by their faith as the Messiah? I'm curious about why; I do not support any established religion, and I would never say one faith is superior to another, so it's not like I want to convert Jewish people or point out the fallacies of Christianity.

 Sort of related in a very small way: I've noticed there hasn't been much talk of restitution for African-American slavery in the US (I say there is a small correlation because of both people's enslavement in the past). Restitution of Holocaust survivors is just because these people are still alive and should be reimburse for the pain and suffering, if not for their forced labor. But in the case of Black slavery, I think it's safe to say no former slave is still alive, and many generations separate the progeny of slaves, further reducing any reparations rights. I watched The O'Reilly Factor on September 4th, 2001, and listened as Bill and Juan Williams discussing reparations for slavery, and Williams was against it, stating that it was an offensive suggestion. Am I being insensitive to the past injustices of Black Americans? Not at all. I'm not discounting [to be finished later]

I've realized I have a propensity toward tragic people. When I say tragic, I don't mean of Greek antiquity proportions, but...remember the movie "Barfly" with Mickey Rourke and Faye Dunaway? Hmmm. Lately, it seems like I only "hook up" with the "scummiest" persons in the bar, and of course nothing ever ends up happening anyway since their psychosis' make me impotent in every way except the one I WISH it WOULD make me impotent (read: physically). Maybe I really am attracted to greasy, alcoholic nut cases? Maybe everyone IS a greasy, alcoholic nut case? Maybe it's a Freud thing; I'm trying to emulate the relationships my mom had when I was growing up. Oh yeah, like I have time to run off to the emergency room after a severe beating. All sarcasm aside, it's beginning to disturb me, however, these experiences do make great conversational pieces. Maybe some time I'll relate some of them here; I'm not really inspired to at the moment.

 Completely unrelated: I don't know why I let Devon get me so upset. He's just a queeny, artificial, pretentious tank of a man that has to create scandel and play of people's insecurities for his own entertainment. Last night: Billy, Troy, George and I were at the Calyph hanging out having a great time listening to Don'L sing. I had been in the mood to hear him sing all night, so I was really happy to be there. Billy and George were outside on the patio smoking, and I was sitting with them (I don't smoke, bleech!) talking and laughing when I heard this cute guy - Troy and I had been having licentious thoughts about him - ask Devon about me. ME?!!! *blush* Anyway, I heard Devon slur, "Oh him? Don't bother talking to him unless you're a daddy or have money." Oi Vey! This coming from the guy who told me Don (not the singer, someone else) was into some really nasty sexual stuff (I'm not even going to say). I'm really glad I didn't listen to Devon, or else I wouldn't have gotten to know someone as talented, sincere, and generous as Don. The lesson, one I'm already well aware of, is never believe most of the talk from a bar, and that there is always two sides to every story. But what makes me even more mad that what Devon did is the fact that I'm letting it bother me. It's such a miniscule, backdrop, background storyline in my life, but I guess the most vocal. Affirmation: Don't let Devon get to me. Okay, check!

I tried so hard to like Mariah Carey's movie "Glitter." It really wasn't THAT bad, but it was so....shudder....baseless. Well, wrong choice of word - it's loosely based on herself. It was just stupid. How's that. The movie was choppy and basically consisted of camera shots and angles to make Mariah look cutesy pootsey. Completely predictable until the very end! I was so shocked, and I actually got a bit teary (Of course this coming from the guy that cries at the opening of an envelope). And that "The Color Purple"-esque ending where Mariah drives to Maryland from New York City in a limo wearing a $40,000 "Vera Wang"-like diva-dress to meet her estranged mother. I was like, "nothing but God can keep us apart." It was actually hilarious in it's inanity. There is a scene where her lover says to her, "so you think because you can shake your ass and hit a few high notes that you're gonna be some big collosal success," and I screamed out in the theatre, "Yes, yes!" There were a couple times where she hardly wore anything, mainly when her fictious music label is filming her video to her first single. I was like, "put some cloths on, gurhl." But whether intentionally or unintentionally, she/the writers were making a good point about how sex sells in videos and music regardless of how uncomfortable it makes the artist feel. I took Troy to the movie and he really loved it. I feel so guilty for not liking it, but it's such an unintelligent movie. I can unequivocally say that Mariah, despite her mediocre acting, is a far better actor than Madonna will ever be, though that's not saying much. Poor Mariah.

I probably seem like such a freak for all these Mariah comments. "Josh, get a life!" So be it. My obsession with Mariah started in 7th grade, and though my interest in her has waned a bit over the years (though it may not seem like it), I still love her. If there was a catagory in high school for "most likely to be arrested for stalking a celebrity," I more than likely would have won. It's my not-so-secret shame. I told everyone that for my high school reunion, I would come with a life-size, cut-out poster of Mariah as my date (freak!). So be it if people think I lack taste in music or support uninspired work. I know anyone can have a number one song, though not many can have 15 number ones in a 11-year span, or sell 150 million albums world wide in the same timespan, heheh. There are fans of the movie "Showgirls." I think what I'm saying is that I acknowledge that she isn't well received, but it doesn't matter to me. Mariah is very talented; have you heard her sing the Star Spangled Banner? I saw her sing it at the NBA playoffs in 1990. You like Whitney's version? I do, but Mariah wins, hands down. Before her artistic license went haywire, she was writing and singing beautiful songs, using her instrument powerfully and effectively, granted one has to like weepy, sappy love songs and not mind that every other word out of her mouth is "baby." I like Mariah now because she is sassy and doesn't care what so-called pundits think. I find that inspirational.

Another unrelated subject: my biological father will be 44 on Thursday. I haven't seen or spoken to him since 1994 when I left my mom's and went into foster care. My brother Jon turned 12 on the 16th of this month. I haven't seen him since he was 3. It's really sad to have 7 half-brothers and 2 half-sisters and to have never grown up with any of them, even though this sibling solitude left me with a vivid, overactive imagination to entertain myself with. I have no idea their likes or interests or anything. And what's really sad is that this knowledge doesn't affect me anymore. It probably does, but I've buried it deep down, supressing any emotion when it comes to family. Family isn't really a tugging heart string for me; I've made my own family from the friends I have now. My youngest brother is 20 years younger than me - my mom was 17 when she had me, and 38 when Alex was born. I visited her in the hospital and the nurses asked if I was the father. After initial revulsion, I chuckled spastically while thinking that this sounded like the made-for-TV trailer-trash version of "Oedipus Rex." But it feels really weird to say my dad is 44 and my mom is 40. Hell, it's hard enough to know that Madonna's 43!! When did the eternal material child grow up? It's even weirder to say that I have 4-year-old-child memories of my mom when she was 21 because I'm 22 now! I've surpased my genetic fertility and am older than both my parents were when I was born. My mom asks when I'll make her a grandmother; "Mom, you've had my share of children, I'm not having any." Age...I remember being at UCR and going shopping with Lexi. She was carrying a purse and grocery shopping like an adult. We were 18, and it felt very surreal to see her, someone I have always envisioned as a child-teenager, shopping in an adult manner. One day we're eating pizzas and gossiping in the cafeteria, and the next we're grocery shopping and paying taxes and, in my case, enlisting in the Navy. I don't think it's right to expect 18 year olds to assume so much responsibility only because they reached that age.

I've also noticed I'm slipping more into depression. I don't want to really go into it, but here's an article from Ann Landers I saw in yesterday's San Diego Union-Tribune: 

For manic-depressives, feeling good can be a really bad thing

September 24, 2001


DEAR ANN LANDERS: I have been coping with manic-depression for 14 years. Most people understand how harmful depression can be, but it's difficult for some to believe that feeling good -- actually ecstatic -- could be bad for you. If you have manic-depression, however, this euphoric state can have serious consequences.

Manic-depression sets off a roller coaster of mood swings, alternating between the paralyzing lows of depression and the erratic peaks of mania. Manic episodes are often mistaken for drug-induced highs. The distinguishing feature is the feeling of "specialness." This can include a sense of power, an irrepressible outpouring of generosity, bursts of creativity and boundless energy.

These feelings can produce hyperactive and risky behavior, rapid and chaotic thinking and speech, bouts of insomnia, excessive eating, drinking and athletic activity, money-squandering and sometimes religious hallucinations. All this activity took its toll on me. I had to deal with damaged relationships as well as bank accounts. These manic episodes culminated in intense depression and suicide attempts.

There are treatments that can control manic-depression and help people cope. Please tell your readers that the free screenings on National Depression Screening Day can help those who suffer from manic-depression, as well as other forms of depression.
-- Monica in Boston


DEAR MONICA: Manic-depression affects almost 2.5 million American adults every year. Depression and manic-depression often have their onset between 25 and 44 years of age.

Symptoms of depression include persistent sad, anxious or empty moods; feelings of hopelessness, guilt, worthlessness or helplessness; a loss of interest or pleasure in ordinary activities; decreased energy or a feeling of fatigue; difficulty concentrating or making decisions; restlessness or irritability; inability to sleep or oversleeping; changes in appetite or weight; unexplained aches and pains; and thoughts of death or suicide.

Symptoms of mania include extreme irritability; excessive "high" or euphoric feelings; increased energy, activity, sexual drive and restlessness; racing thoughts and rapid speech; a decreased need for sleep; unrealistic beliefs in one's abilities or powers; abuse of drugs or alcohol; reckless behavior and hallucinations.

Those who suffer from manic-depression may go on shopping sprees and max out their credit cards, or gamble away their life savings. They may think they can read other people's minds. They don't finish projects because they have already moved on to something else. They might have sex with people they don't know or take a trip without making any plans.

Approximately 2,000 local hospitals, mental health centers and other locations will offer free, anonymous screenings for depression and manic-depression on National Depression Screening Day on Oct. 11. Starting today, you can call (800) 437-1200 (TDD for the hearing impaired: 800-697-3800) or go online at www.mentalhealthscreening.org to find a screening site in your area. Anyone who appears to have symptoms of depression will be directed to a treatment facility.

If you see yourself in today's column, please follow through. It could make a huge difference in your life. If you have a friend or loved one who you believe may be depressed, do whatever is in your power to get that person to a screening site.

© Creators Syndicate
Copyright 2001 Union-Tribune Publishing Co.

I hope this helps someone. I'm definately going to get screened on October 11th.

Five unrelated things are on my mind:

1. I was at work until 2am this morning, and back in by noon.

2. I have several things to say about today's bus ride to work, and I've noticed that there is a continuing theme in bus stories going on in the last few entries. That's fine, cause a lot of "interesting" (read: sketchy) people, including myself (though *pretentious inflection of voice* I'm not sketchy, I'm artistic), ride public transportation.

3. It is my sincere hope that we as individuals realize there is more to a person than veneer - outside appearances. I think I've talked about how people lead several lives in regard to whom we surround ourselves. For instance, in high school, I acted one way, and at work, I acted in another fashion, and at home, my personality was completely different from my other two personas. My personality wasn't homogenous from one group to another. What made me think of this was what Troy told me this morning. He was talking to Jaime and Andy the bartender about how Matt had cut Troy's keys with a pair of pliers, which led Andy to point out how both Troy and Matt have really been hurting these past two weeks. Andy apparently isn't aware of what really happened between Troy and Matt, which is ironic considering how "close" Andy and Matt seem to be - Andy: "He's my Matty!" Who the fuck is Matty? Anyway, I was reminded once again about how egregious gossip is, especially gay-bar gossip. But I found it very sad that these people, those we consider only "associates" and not friends, don't really know us, they know a persona, and most likely, they will never know us. That's why I don't like to "do anything" (read: carnal activity) with anyone from a bar until I see him outside of a bar, in the light of day. I don't want sad affairs.

4. I cannot get enough of Inncubus' "Drive," and after hearing a live acoustic version of Sheryl Crow's "Anything But Down," these two songs and "Endless Love" total three songs I will be looking into singing with Jeff Kitt if he's interested. He's looking to form a quartet of male singers that sounds promising, but I would want to sing these with him only for fun, and also to practice the harmony on "Endless Love." Wow - EL throws the genre a bit.

5. I'm considering applying for "The Real World." I almost did in September of 1999, but that attempt failed. But I have a great idea for my application that is creative and original, however, I think that this idea would be better utilized for next year. My apprehension about waiting? I'll be two months shy of 24 if I wait until next year (I'm two months shy of 23 currently). Too old? In THE real gay world (not read as the really gay world), yes - 24 is Gay Middle Age. But I don't prescribe to that myth so why should it bother me?

A moment from work - I've been at work since 8am, and it looks like I'll be here late tonight and tomorrow. Oh well; overtime is good. I'm hoping I can get a car within the next 6 weeks, especially because Gateway is moving to Poway in a few weeks.

Troy picked me up from work yesterday; as usual, he was a bitch about it, but even more so now since his power-steering fluid flows out of his car. Troy's gone through 3 bottles of the stuff in the last 5 days or so. Anyway, it makes for interesting conversation.

Also, Troy has announced his intentions to go sober *humming* "How dry I am...how dry I am." I completely support his decision; I recommended he watch the indie flick "Drunks" with my most favorite actress Parker Posey. Yes, it sounds really bitchy to suggest a movie titled "Drunks," but it's a great movie about AA and how it's worked for people, and how someone who has been sober for several years falls off the wagon, so to speak, and after a night of debauchery comes back to the flock. Completely fiction - the storyline, not the worthiness of AA.

I mentioned to Troy information from an article I read about AA. There are different degrees of sobriety, one doesn't necessarily have to go cold turkey. Some people are able to drink socially and in moderation, others can't touch a cocktail without relapsing, but the author suggests that the person who is battling alcoholism sould do it more on his terms than from a "list" or other structured motus operandi. I agree; some methods may not work on all people, and depending on the severity of one's dependency, I guess one is able to make a judgment on how to clean up his act. Granted, this is of course once the person has admitted he has a problem.I don't have a problem, you have the problem. You don't accept me for who I am!"

I also went online to The Center to find out about counselling services they may provide. I found a lot of different gettogethers and soirees and whatnot that sound interesting; I've volunteered to help out at this gala festival in downtown SD sometime in October. It sounds really exciting, and since I had a great time volunteering at Gay Pride this year, I'm looking forward to this.

I get really worried when I find a blog that hasn't been updated in months; I've found a few that haven't been updated in over a year! It makes me concerned about the whereabouts and safety of the owner. Is he or she okay/forget the password to log on? I hope nothing is wrong.

Moby keeps a blog...hmmm. I really admire him, not only for his music, but for his intelligence and humor (he used the word insouciant on VH1); anyone who's seen him interviewed will concur.

Overheard on the bus this morning:

Woman with Endless Chins: Afghanistan is a desert; a few nukes won't hurt 'em.

There were a few more comments made, then someone made this venerable observation:

"...San Diego is [partly] a desert..."

Word of the Day

Pablum: "Trite, insipid, or simplistic writing, speech, or conceptualization."

I've been reading a few articles regarding events in NY and W. DC. for more perspective:
Leander Kahney writes how important the internet has been in providing a media for "amateur" experiences and observations that one wouldn't normally be exposed. He makes his point at the end of his article, making this quote (found toward the very bottom):

"'Now we're about to get deeply involved in some nasty, subtle, dangerous politics, and the public doesn't even know who the players are,' wrote Eric Kidd to Scripting News' mail page. 'The press ought to stop poking people's wounds and start educating the American public before we encourage our leaders to do something stupid.'"

However, Kahney makes some objectionable statements according to Dave Pell's September 18th, 2001 article (scroll down a bit).

[To be finished later]

I'm currently experimenting with my page layout, so please don't think I have poor aesthetic taste.

I feel it, my mental chastity belt.

It's starting - my yearly depression. Something's coming, and it isn't pretty. Does anyone get that reference? Probably not. Oh well, just ask.

I guess I have what one would call "violent mood swings" (meaning that they change very quickly and drastically without warning, not that I am a violent person), and every year this mental see-saw culminates into "The Great Depression: Songs in the Apathetic Key of Blah." This should tell ya something: My favorite painters are Vincent van Gough and Edvard Munch, and the best image than can ever showcase my tempestuous moods is Munch's 1893 painting The Scream. Hung on my dormroom mirror the year I spent at UC Riverside, this painting served as my symbollic reflection. It might sound like a macabre thing to do, but I did it. I wasn't happy/no fue feliz.

Today's Epiphany

I realize that I tenaciously try to maintain a status quo without any regard to my dignity, integrity, or sense of morality. Morality? What is that? What does normal mean? My definition:

Whatever 50% plus 1 of a populace feels like it should be.

Don't worry; I'm about to elaborate on what happened on the way to work today to cause me to be so morose.

Riding on the bus to work, I was deep in thought about nothing in particular. I was probably fantasizing about the car I may be able to purchase in a few weeks if my friend will commit to waiting until I have the money. Maybe I was imagining a place where I had no debt or conflicting needs - I digress...Kristin, Kirsten, or "Cretin¹," I don't specifically recall her name, is sitting across from me. For sake of continuity, she will be known throughout this observation as "She," sans parethesis of course. She seems to be in charge of a group of special needs adults. Anyway, I'm self-involved in my own world. The rest of what transpired will appear in a dialogue format.

She: Pulls out two trapezoid-shaped objects, one pink (it's a girl), one blue (it's a boy). In a cavalier tone: Which one is larger?
Protagonist: Happy cause he thinks someone wants to practice her second-rate magic abilities, pointing to object in her right hand: That one.
She: Okay. Shuffles her hands so the objects appear in reverse order: Now which one is larger?
Protagonist: Realizing it's a game of optical illusions to his chagrin: Oh, right. Pointing to corresponding sides of each trapezoid: This side is the same length as this one, and because these sides are shorter than the other, the difference creates the illusion of size difference.
She: Not really listening: Do you experience optical illusions often?
Protagonist: Momentarily caught off-guard, then excited when he realizes she is an Optometrist because he needs a new prescription, and after a brief pause: No, not really.
She:

[to be finished later]

For anyone who thinks that a logical, reasonable, sane, thought-out course of action should be taken in the weeks to come regarding foreign policy, Afghanistan, and Terrorism, Shared Voice.org is a great place to read. (Sigh of sarcasm in inflection of voice in the style of Ben Stein Wow. I can actually spell Afghanistan now without having to look it up.

¹I looked up the definition of cretin and found that it has "Vulgar Latin" orgins, and I was ordered to see the definition of "Christian." I laughed at the irony in respect to today's incident, but also thought that this made sense, since in Latin times, Christians, specifically Catholics, were considered miscreants, and of course would be called cretins.

Okay, let's have a collective flashback to 8th grade American History class. Who can answer this question?

What does the motto: 'Remember the Maine, to Hell with Spain!' bring to mind?

I have a few adjectives: conspiracy, treachery, pervarication, war, death. That's right! I'm drawing correlation between the WTC/Pentagon bombings and the sinking of the USS Maine. This is the "Spledid Little War" that could but didn't need to happen, due in part by the media's "yellow journalism" tactics (W. R. Hearst/J. Pulitzer), and a receptive, obtuse public who couldn't exercise any critical thinking skills. The reason the USS Maine sank was never determined, however, there has been research and investigation conducted into finding out why, and the current theory is that the sinking was accidental; the boilers in the steam/engine area exploded on their own. No subversive actions caused the sinking as reported in The New York Journal and The New York World.

Now I am DEFINATELY NOT saying that the WTC/Pentagon bombings were accidental. Now, with that said, draw your own conclusions.

I was listening to U2's live version of "One," on internet radio and was really touched by the lyrics. It made me think of the words to "Exile," a music compostion by Robert Espindola and Robert Seeley that I sang with the Gay Men's Chorus of San Diego:

[Insert Exile Lyrics]

While I was humming the lyrics to "Exile," transposing them over U2's song, I experienced something overwhelming; a tide of immense sensation jolted through my body, the force of which is like being in the ocean and becoming swept up in a huge wave. It was electric, leaving my hair standing on end. As the sensations faded, I felt very relaxed yet weak, unable to walk. I had to take a moment to collect my thoughts.

Maybe I had an earth-shattering existential epiphany, the kind that shakes one's foundation in life. It was very powerful, and I am still trying to grasp its meaning. I don't want to sound like a Hallmark movie or anything. At any rate, just listening to the lyrics of these uplifting songs made me weepy and simultaneously jubilant.

This Jerry Falwell report is painfully repulsive, and fosters the same hatred that led to the WTC and Pentagon destruction.

Today's Word for the Day:

Jingoistic: defined as,

"Extreme nationalism characterized especially by a belligerent foreign policy; chauvinistic patriotism."

Nick Currie provides a moving, detailed account on WTC. He also has other poignant, thought-provoking things to say:

"If the Islamic world has, since the 1970s, entered a regrettable phase of fundamentalism in which it destroys difference (in the form of the Taleban blowing up Buddhist treasures, or Iranian leaders menacing the lives of British authors) this is because it has moved from being simply 'un-American' to being 'anti-American'. And this is partly because America has, in the last three decades, become inescapable. If you don't go to it, it will come to you. With the collapse of the Soviet Union, Islam has had to bear the burden of being the crucible of all difference, the harbinger of all dissent against the American model. Ironically, by becoming 'that which is not the US', the Islamic world has forgotten its true identity. By becoming antithetical to the US rather than merely different from it, it has become America's harder, darker shadow.

I'm not against globalism, quite the contrary, I revel in my ability to travel and experience other ways of life. What I reject, though, is the assumption that globalism has to be Americanism, that the American Way is the only correct one, that the American president (whether we can elect him or not, and, in the current case, whether the American people elect him or not) represents 'freedom', and that there is only one definition of justice, happiness and progress, which is the American one."

Nick also makes this observation:

"Amongst the horrified reactions to Tuesday's events was an American commercial pilot who said 'I don't know how we can defeat these people, if they're prepared to spend $40,000, not to become pilots and earn lots of money, but to fly a plane into a building and die. How will we ever understand people who think like that?'"

Ignorant pilot - I wish people could take a moment to analyze things in an objective manner; it certainly would help answer a lot of questions.

Speaking of ignorance, here are two quotes I find relevant:

"Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of journalism in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community."
- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

"The confidence of ignorance will always overcome indecision of knowledge."
- Anonymous

I wish I had a "I [heart] NY" T-shirt right now.

I incorporated give love:get love into my blog about a week ago for good reason; Arthur Coddington makes a great point in his September 13th, 2001, post:

"It's important to understand that it's not the Good Guys vs. the Bad Guys. The US has made mistakes. It has killed civilians when attacking its enemies. It has trained terrorists, including Bin Laden. It has backed sides in volatile conflicts that have inspired people to violence. This doesn't excuse the violence in New York and Washington. Most Americans, filled with shock and grief and feelings of being victimized, aren't ready to see that it's a more complex situation than their government wants them to believe. This article from Great Britain scratches the surface of why people hate the US."

One of the links Arthur has it to Michael Moore's website, where there are different links to other quote "conspiracy theory" articles and websites. It's actually worth reading, or a quick look at anyway.

I think it's really disappointing that Senators and House representatives have to make public announcements against racism and violent outbreaks toward people of Middle Eastern descent.

I also find it a bit overwhelming this rash of pseudo-patriotism everyone suddenly has. I'm almost persuaded to join the bandwagon and blindly/faithlessly wave the flag - ME, the poster boy for Anti-4th of July, the Naval-Nuke dropout (haven't talked about it yet, but I was in the Navy for 7 months)! It's also nauseating listening to this not-so-sudden elitist hegemonic paradigm so pervasive in the media. "America is the greatest nation in the world." Oh yeah, right.

I heard a report that 96% of Americans are Christian - I seriously doubt this statistic. If it were true, why is crime and race/class distinction and other un-Christian injustices so rampant? It certainly isn't the other 4% perpetrating these actions. I am going to quote myself from last night's conversation with Troy about his ongoing psycho-drama with Matt:

"I do not blame; I assign the truth."

I also have a quote I made from several months ago when my friend and I were playing the "PC-terms" Game:

I do not lie, I manipulate the truth."

I glad people have their gods to give them comfort and to seek solace from, however, it's ironic that the One from whom people seek solace is also the justification of so much violence. Right now, I don't have faith in much of anything. Will the sun rise tomorrow? I wouldn't be surprised if it withered from a broken heart.

Philo spoke with his mother regarding her Pearl Harbor experience (she's currently 83). This is what she had to say:

"I called my Mom a little while ago, just because it's one of those days where you just need to call your Mom. She's 83 years old and she says this is the craziest thing she's ever witnessed in her entire life. We talked about Pearl Harbor, about her days as a nurse at Providence Hospital in Seattle, about the hallways lined with cots and the blackouts, my father's time in the Air Force patrolling the Atlantic for submarines... I asked her if this was similar and she said, "Well honey, that was as much of a surprise as this is, but it was so far away and Hawaii still seemed like a U.S. possession. Pearl Harbor wasn't here on the mainland. They didn't use our own planes to attack us. And we didn't have a complete idiot for a President in the White House."

It's nice to get a fresh, albeit regurgitated (meaning paraphrased, not from the source), perspective from someone who remembers Pearl Harbor. With all this corroboration to December 7th, 1941, I would really like to hear more people's recollections of that "Day of Infamy."

Here is Pensive Soul's take on the Pearl Harbor connections:

"People have compared the attacks to Pearl Harbor, but there's a very fundamental difference, beyond the whole civilian vs. military target issue. When we got hit back in 1941, we had a definite enemy, and there was definite action we could take in retaliation. We knew exactly who hit us and what we had to do about it. This is a whole different ballgame. Our enemy is not a country, or an army, or even a well-organized and well-defined group of individuals. We are fighting an idea, the idea that somehow, the US is to blame for everybody's problems, and US citizens deserve to die because of this. For many, this idea has become couched in religious fanaticism. That makes our enemy so much harder to fight. If you want to fight an idea, you have two choices. You either kill *everybody* with the idea (unethical and impossible), or you give everybody a better idea to replace what you don't like. Option number two isn't going to work either - people are willing to *die* for the idea they've already got. There will be no replacing it. We can't win this. We can maybe contain it, but we can't win it. And that's really frightening."

My heart's not really into reading blogs or anything, yet I don't have anything to do at the moment. I'm still at work, and will probably be here for a few more hours, but I'm waiting on my boss to finish her project so I can work on our shared server. I feel very apathetic toward everything right now, like I'm emotionally drained, a hollow shell. Pretty drama queen-esque observations, but I don't really care at the moment. I suppose I can finish editing some of my postings, or work on the HTML/CSS for my site, but again, my heart isn't into it.

Oh I had a few more ideas for my site:

The Gay Masculinity: Bottoming, and why it's a pain in the ass.
Gay Terminology - Homophocation? Homophonics?

I know something is wrong with me when I use the restroom and start fantasizing about the guy next to me spitting in the urinal he is using.

I'll just peruse for now. I need to finish writing about the previous post, but I lack the motivation. I need some positive karma, ASAP.

Okay, let’s try this for a second time... my boss accidentally closed my blogger window where I had typed 4 extensive paragraphs that would have changed the course of mankind with the epiphanies I had revealed. A lot of responsibility I have to recreate that phenomenal knowledge.

I don't mean to be so lackadaisical or light-hearted, but I'm trying another method of escapism by writing about what happened to me last night and today than further postulating on WTC. I'm somewhat obscured from the reality of those events (notice "those" and not "these") since they happened on the East Coast and I'm here in San Diego. Blasphemously, I can still imagine that these events haven't taken place at all, like some grandiloquent ode to b-class horror movies like Godzilla, where the prop man has a cutout of a plane flying haphazardly like a bee into a cardboard image of the WTC. I don't need to remind myself about the need to maintain perspective on these events because no matter how quixotic or warped my sense the reality is regarding these events; forever they are indelibly ingrained into my psyche. Mostly likely millions of people, myself included, will be haunted with the vivid images of the past 60 hours like Pearl Harbor does/did to those people of that generation.

So this is me being tacky and debatably callous in light of Tuesday:

Troy and I went to the Loft last night, a long way from our original agenda's destination - Flicks. My insecurities weren't in the mood to deal with pretentious, snotty, attitude-filled gym/bar fanatical, Homo-eccentricity. So of course, when anyone is feeling fragile and needs a dose of tragedy worse than one's own, one heads to the Loft, that comical bar-opera cornucopia full of alcohol-induced drama and belligerence! It's like the movie "Flawless" in which the homophobic ex-police officer Walter Koontz, recovering from a heart-attack (played wonderfully by Robert De Niro *swoon* ), seeks voice lessons (to help his apoplectic-induced speech impediment) from his Pre-Op Transsexual neighbor Rusty, reputedly cast in the form of Paul Thomas Anderson-darling Philip Seymour Hoffman. Anyway, back to the analogy I was making: De Niro's character only goes to Rusty because he can only accept help from someone he feels less superior to himself. Maybe I go to the Loft for the same reason - a comfort zone; I feel superior to the debauched inebriates who frequent the place. I'm far younger than 95% of the patrons there, in way-better shape, and I’ve found I get attention for these reasons though I abhor that kind of attention (but what can you expect - it's a bar). I am comfortable at the Loft, and I suppose that is the best reason for my going and doesn’t require further justification, though of course none was solicited.

Reading over the past paragraph, I realize I sound very judgmental. Everyone is to one degree or another judgmental – it’s human nature. We judge and use labels so we may better understand our environment and everything therein. But I’m straying from the nature of this entry: Troy and last night/early this morning.

Troy didn’t want to go to the Loft since Matt was there. Since their last encounter where Troy alleges he was run over by Matt, Troy’s decided to use that Dr. Scholl’s “person-be-gone” and not have anything to do with Matt. Fine by me. I don’t see the attraction people have for Matt, or for Chris, that nasty, pharmaceutical mess of a man-boy concubine. Granted, when I first met Chris on New Year’s Eve last December, a part of me was somewhat attracted to him. However, the other part was repulsed. Mind you these were magnetic, instantaneous impressions I had of Chris. But I was, nor have ever been, attracted to Matt.

Sitting at the bar like Raphael’s “The Sistine Madonna, details of the Angels,” Troy and I hypothesized on why men are drawn to the Bobsy Twins: Chris, TweedleBottom and Matt, Tweedle - “thinks he’s a top.” I came up with the “5 of 6” theory: Out of a sample of 6 men, 5 will salivate like Pavlov dogs if either one says, “Come fuck me, men!” And the 6th will be consummately, absolutely repulsed. In Matt’s case, it isn’t physical appearance; though Matt is not ugly, the consensus is that he certainly isn’t anything to write home about. But he’s so charming, so extroverted, energetic, young (he’s 21, 16 months younger than I am, damnit!), frivolous, flirtatious, sexual and spastic (okay that’s my adjective, but I have literary license here). Maybe I am jealous, though not of Matt himself. Well jealous, or envious? Envy is when one is eager to emulate another’s actions, whereas jealousy is defined as “painful apprehension of [rivalry,] in cases nearly affecting one's happiness.” It doesn’t really sadden me that Matt gets hit on all the time and not I…let me rephrase that – I don’t get hit on nearly as often as Matt. I must be envious of Matt because I WOULD like to emulate his confidence, his sense of self.

It’s usually the 6th guy that is attracted to me, though I’ve had a couple of firsts and seconds. In retrospect, how funny that I use 6 men in my sample; is this in honor of Dr. Kinsey?

People have private and public personas – I am definitely guilty of that. In high school I bitched about how fake and artificial everyone is while school and imagined how different these people were at home, how they interact with family, with co-workers. I’ve seen both of Matt’s personalities, complete antithesis’ of each other.

[more to come here]

Troy called me at work today around noon, explaining the morning's cryptic 2AM call when I reminded him of his “Hand the Rocks the Cradle” moment. Troy’s message this morning expressed his anger for me going home with Matt, Chris, and Chris’ trick-of-the-day. I clarified that I didn’t go home with anyone, only got a ride home, alone of course. I also reminded Troy that he had told me earlier that evening I would be walking the two short blocks home. Since I was a bit silly from the beer-god spirits, I didn’t want to trudge home, so I bummed a ride.

Once this matter was settled, I let Troy tell me how he was feeling – not good. Not good at all; he really has me worried. The only thing I can do at this moment I be there for him when he needs a friend, listen to him, and maybe now and then juxtapose my infections brand of witty, esoteric humor served with a nip of vodka. I do have to be honest; I’m quite tired of this Matt psycho-drama, and I’ve even told Troy. He knows, he understands, but he still gets pissed. God grand me the patience to deal with his shit, and also grant me a really stiff cocktail.

Cheers!

jish.nu | weblog had a great quote on his site, one that I really think America needs to hear:

"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind."
- Mahatma Ghandi (1869-1948).

I hope it doesn't fall on deaf ears.

It's really weird to continue to work when all this shit is going on. I called in sick yesterday so I could watch details at home, but I did find I need an escape to all this misery, so I guess I should use work as an escapism of sorts.

Gateway has been really cool. They let everyone go home on Tuesday if one wanted to, to be with loved ones. They have been really supportive of both employees and the victims. However, I find it hard to continue to pursue capitalist ventures when there are more important things going on. No one is going to be buying PCs anytime soon, at least that is what I estimate. There are so many economic pundits theorizing on how this massive devastation will impact both national and global economys. We are all ready seeing such impacts. But I really don't care. It looks like we're going to war. Historically, this has always been good for economy, and these thoughts fill me with an immense sensation of emptiness.

I'm really disgusted with Americans. I was listening to CSPAN-2 yesterday, and viewers were calling in voicing their opinions. One man from Seattle or Portland stated that we should put people of Middle Eastern descent into Internment camps, like we did with the Japanese-Americans during WWII, to alleviate the threat of more terrorist attacks. Another caller suggested we deport all Middle Easterners who are not American citizens back to their country of origin within 30-60 days, "whatever is feasible," and also to close our borders to anyone who holds a passport from any Middle Eastern country.

This man disgusts me, Congressman Bob Barr from Georgia. He's introduced a bill to allow American-sanctioned assasinations against our enemies. I guess it's more straightforward to do this then hiring another Country to do the dirty work for us. What a demagogue - using WTC to further a cause of his!

Maybe we should be leary about placing blame on any organization; it is possible to manipulate evidence and facts to make it look as though another group or organization perpetrated this mass chaos. Anyone remember The Sixth Amendment, the right to a fair trial? Though this is an American "virtue," I think "innocent until proven guilty" is only fair and just.

Are we becoming a facist nation?

Preparations for war?

I cannot believe it. I hope that Military Intelligence knows of the Nuclear capabilities of our enemies, whomever they are.

I of course agree that someone needs to be punished for these atrocious acts, but we need to unequivicably know who did this before acting, then surmise the enemies offensives.

However, I have no faith in our Military nor its intelligence or information gathering capabilities.

Being in San Diego, I know we are a prime target for attack because of our extensive military installations.

I'm so scared...

It seems that Osama bin Laden is the prime suspect in the bombings. He has been given asylum in Afghanistan, so maybe that is why it's being bombed.

I was surprised to find out that bin Laden and the USA were "allies" once.

Bin Laden came to prominence fighting alongside the U.S.-backed Afghan mujahedeen – holy warriors – in their war against Soviet troops in the 1980s. But former followers say he turned against the United States during the 1991 Gulf War, seething at the deployment of U.S. troops in Saudi Arabia during the Gulf War campaign to oust Iraq from Kuwait. He has repeatedly called on Muslims worldwide to join in a jihad, or holy war, against the United States.

From the San Diego Union-Tribune.

Now Kabul, Afghanistan, has been bombed. I wonder if they are being targeted because the Taliban was one of the first countries to speak out against the WTCs' destruction and the terrorists are trying to make a point, or if we've all ready assessed blame to Afghanistan and have started WWIII.

I just read a report that there are survivors from the 81st floor in Two World Trade Center.

I'm not getting any work done, but that's okay. The president and CEO, Ted Waitt, said everyone can go home to be with loved ones. Since I don't have anyone to go home to, I thought I would just browse online.

Reading my previous posts, I see confirmation on how shallow and petty I can be at times. I knew with Aaliyah's death, I should enjoy every precious moment of life and live it to the fullest. There have been many public deaths in past that always remind people of the fragility of human life. It shouldn't take moments like today to remind everyone of such fickleness.

The newscasters are saying that there is no reason for panic, and that San Diego is safe. Safe?!! I thought New York was safe. I don't want to foster paranoia in anyway, but come on. There are only degrees of safety. Really, there is no such thing as absolute safety. I want to post this message I found on a discussion forum at www.signonsandiego.com:

On Activism and Terrorism

Social devastation, social chaos and social change.

There are those who will want to paint activists and terrorist with the same brush. Perhaps both have identified similar injustices, identified similar culprits and both set out to make social change. From that point on the similarities begin to dissolve.

Left-progressives begin with assumption about the inherent value of all life. We begin with the assumption, that the vast majority of humanity yearns to live in peace, full equality and dignity... and we wholeheartedly believe that better societies create better human beings. Just and cooperative societies with relative social equality produce cooperative citizens striving for common the good. We invest our lives in the quest for a new social order based on the human dignity for all. Our methods are education, persuasion and social activism. While never passive in the face of repression, we seek to build participatory, democratic organizations, which reflect the very ideals we seek in a new society. As Che said “true revolutionaries are guided by great feelings of love.”

Terrorism is born of hopelessness. It is an unnatural state of affairs. A social order that has closed the doors on dignity and the possibility of democratic participation is a breeding ground for individualistic and suicidal desperation. A society full of cruelty will produce cruel offspring. A society based on class hierarchies, racial divisions, religious discrimination and national oppression will have no peace. There is peace born of justice and equality. There is also the peace of repression and dictatorship, but this is always a temporary peace.

Social justice activists make no apologies for terrorism, but we do understand it roots causes. The irony is that the results of terrorism will mean greater repression on all forms of democratic participation and increased military retaliation – retaliation by those who never wanted social equality in the first place. We will have either greater global equity or greater global atrocity. This as true as any mathematical formula.

Rather than despair over the devastation, let us redouble our efforts to create a world of peace with justice, equality and self-determination. After all is said and done it is social justice, which will end to both repression and its terrorist stepchild. May we stand united for social justice worldwide."

Martin Eder for Activist San Diego

www.ActivistSanDiego.org

Thank you Martin! You can email Martin at activist@home.com.

[17-10-2001] Looking back on this post...I mailed this post to two NYC bloggers the day of the terrorist actions, and I'm not sure why. It was a bit insensitive of me to do so, especially for two reasons. One: I don't know either of the two people I sent this to, having never corresponded nor chatted. Two: I didn't elaborate on why I did send the message, and in retrospect, without an explanation, it looks like I was supporting the terrorist actions. I never received any response from the two people, and really it's no wonder why. I don't know why I even sent this!! I don't identify as a "social justice activist." Maybe in a moment of extreme emotion I tried to make a compassionate gesture by sending these "words of comfort." Actually, I found these words comforting, but it wasn't something people, as close to ground zero as these two are, were in need of being acknowledged/reminded.

I went to SignOnSanDiego.com and read some info in the Union-Tribune. As a precaution, the airport has been closed, the Border is at it's highest security level alert, some schools are closed, all government is shut down except for Emergency services, some theme parks have closed like Legoland and SeaWorld, and all theatres have closed. Even all sports venues are postphoned. All of our skyscrappers have closed for the day, sending all employees home. I've read that in LA, everything is down - Emmys postphoned, Madonna canceled, etc.

I read that there are survivors from the WTC from the 56th floor. That gives me hope.

I'm releaved to know there are others at work who are having just a hard of a time dealing with this as I am. I wish there would be a candlelight vigil organized in Balboa Park or something like it.

I keep hearing eye-witness accounts from those who were at Ground Zero; it's so hard to not cry listening to the emotion in their voices.

Am I the only one who is having a hard time not crying at work? I know people deal with grief and depression in different ways, but come on! I know there is something universal about them or else there wouldn't be anthems of information about sadness and loss the Psychology/Psychiatry fields. I'm having a hard time controlling my emotions. Shell-shocked is a good word to describe how I feel. I purposely didn't go to NYC on New Year's Eve 1999 - New Year's Day 2000 because, although at the time I joked, I thought any terrorist who is ANY terrorist will be in NYC for the ringing in of the new Millennium (though not technically the new millennium) because of the massive-destruction potential. Nothing happened, though I heard rumors that there were thwarted terrorist plots for New Years. My god. After my initial shock melted, I quaked with angry and felt like we should bomb the hell out of everyone! I'm angry! - hell, we all are obviously, but I hope the powers that be have some sense NOT to do this out of shaky resolve. PLEASE don't go to war arbitrarily, don't retaliate just yet. It's senseless. I know some retribution is necessary - it's called justice, not random targeting and killing.

Oh my god.

I wake up and the sky is falling, literally. Though fortunately not in my backyard. How surreal - the WTC is no more. Surreal is the word I commonly find in everyone's observations, but it's the best one that describes the unreality, unbelieveablity (if that's a word) of this matter. Smoke covers all of Manhattan like fog in San Francisco. I wake up to have horror and hatred reaffirmed. I just watched "American Beauty" last night, and as always, was touched by how eloquently Sam Mendes and Alan Ball express/convey the true spirit and nature of life. And I wake to this. The jet that crashed in Philidelphia - there is some speculation that it was heading for Camp David. My guess is that the pilot had an opportunity to crash the airplane without causing any further damage that was intended by the hijackers.

I'm listening to BBC news for a world perspecitve on the events. I'm browsing other blogs, namely those from NYC'ers, all of who seem to be okay so far. Tony Blair says that this that terrorism is the new evil. Hello?!! Terrorism had its genesis during biblical times, and has been a habitual problem for the last 30 years. Blair did say though that this is not an American problem battling terrorism; it is the problem of any democracy to deal with terrorism.

People are saying this is the 2nd Pearl Harbor. There is all ready a call to arms while silent amazement, horror, shock, denial and anger run their seemingly endless, solemn course. Choire says this is counterproductive, and he is right. Everyone is also asking about donating blood, and if the Red Cross will accept homo blood. If they say no, maybe they haven't learned anything from today's tragic events.

I went to CNN online to read a chronology of events to calculate how much time people had to get out of each tower. Each building had a little more than an hour...My god.

I am obsessing over 2 guys at work, one in particularly. Heterosexual fascination... I feel like the gay Lolita, cause if I had the prowess and confidence, I would seduce this married hunk of a Manly-man, who twistedly is my boss's half-brother. The other guy has the most sexiest voice. He croons, I coagulate.

There is so much to talk about.

1. I hope this does not become a Monday-Friday Work blog. So far, it's due to the fact that I'm one of the few 1st-World Nation citizens who doesn't own a PC.

2. My pseudo-alcoholism is wearing thin:
I was invited to a party on Friday, a "Goodbye to Summer" bruhauhau, and I invited Troy, Matt, and Derrick. It was actually nice, but I took that inebriated-ingenue Kinderwhore act to another level. I doubt anyone thinks of me as intelligent. I care about more than just Mariah Carey and vodka-7! "I'm pleasant, damnit! I've just been in a bad mood for 40 years." Anyway, I got butt drunk and left the party, swiping the host's leopard cowboy hat, and entourage and I stumbled to the Loft, where Derrick was kicked out for being 20, and Matt stormed off apparently due to me physically picking him up - relayed to me the next day (I've learned Matt doesn't like to be picked up from our San Francisco fiasco). With his heart still a pendulum, Troy followed suit, only to be ran over by Matt. I think they are taking that Ike and Tina thing too far. Anyway, I left the Loft with some random guy who I've been told I've met before, and we went to Rich's, but as I was shutting the door, in my drunken stupor, I slammed the door too hard and sprained my right thumb. Actually not the thumb, but the padding below my thumb. But ever the party boy, with my stolen cowboy hat and pimp-daddy chain around my next, we proceeded to Richs to dance for like 10 minutes until "the thrill [was] gone." Thank god I don't get hangovers - that's one of the perks of having alcholism run in the family. Troy tells me that he walked home screaming on the top of his lungs in anger at m Matt for running Troy down, gets in his car, and drives to Matt's house to get his keys. He bangs on Matt's door for 30 minutes until the police come. As the police are cuffing Troy, he argues Matt's bi-polar rantings, saying that he only wants his keys and he'll leave. Troy gets them, but only after Matt has taken a pair of plyers and cut off the metal part of each key on his keychain. Oi Vey.

Anyway, on Saturday night, I take Troy out to Inn at the Park for a swank, $90 dinner and to listen to Carol sing. I didn't really want to leave for the Calyph, especially on a Saturday night, and also because there was this daddy-type, hot-as-hell, 30-something Brit at the bar - I was salivating. "Mama Like!" We left, but instead of the Calyph, we headed for the Loft and only stayed for a sec. Troy drove us to his place, I ordered Papa Johns, Troy went to sleep, and Derrick and I watched The Family Man. Walked home.

Sunday: what the heck did I do? Went shopping at Gala Foods, which is kind of like Food for Less, but can't afford all the consonents and vowels to finish their name. Also did laundry, but that is still at Troy's house because we went out later that night to the Hole, where I always feel like a little boy amist all those menz. So began my mental funk. Then after driving to the Calyph while singing Donna Summer's version of "Con te Partiro" on the top of our lungs, full post-party depression kicked in. Of course Troy didn't realize this, though he should have; when I leave any place with a full cocktail readily available, you know it's trouble. I should have threatened to sleep with my cutlery again. I knew he wouldn't follow either. I'm no Matt - which is another thing that pissed me off: everyone, I mean everyone kept asking where he was. I just don't understand. But if Troy had followed, I would have been surprised. Instead, I walked home, and since I had to use the restroom, and the Loft was on the way, I stopped there for a pit stop, and walked right out without saying hello to anyone. Marc was outside smoking and asked if I wasn't staying - all I could muster, because I was a bit sloshed (sloshy Joshy), was a turn, a nod, a grin, and I sauntered off home.

3. I want to move.

I had friends move to Atlanta recently, and they keep asking me to come out there with them. I am so tempted; I lived there for 6 months before my relationship with my ex-best friend deteriorated to the point of no return and moved back to San Diego. I loved Atlanta - there is so much culture, archetecture, weather, people, etc, compared to San Diego. I think there is also the thrill of being in a new city where everything is exciting and new, like Mary Tyler Moore and Minnesota. I have this vivid image of myself in Piedmont Park, or better yet in downtown Atlanta, grabbing something and throwing it in the air and letting the wind catch it. Not my hat.. something more flamboyant... like...I don't know? If anyone does in fact read this, let me know what you suggest.

I just have this urge to up and run away from here. I'm a native San Diegan, and although I was gone for 2 years with my Navy hiatus and what not, I really feel like white trash for not moving away. Like Shiver me Timbers it's time to get out of the crow's nest.

So beside fighting the "fight or flight" urge, I don't have much on my mind, beside planning to ignore all my - quote - friends and hope they all forget about me. I really need to get off this pity pot stick I'm in.

Gasp! There's all this controversy that Jennifer Lopez stole a sample of Mariah Carey's song "Loverboy." I just heard at the Mariah Jukebox some music from her upcoming album "Glitter," and there is a song on there that sounds suspiciously like Lopez's "I'm real" remix with Ja Rule.

Oi Vey, I just lost everything I was typing... I'm pissed! Damn technology...where are those Pirates of Silicon Valley when you wanna slap someone.

Poor Mariah Carey. She is the hardest working woman in the industry, and people give her such shit! Image is such a double-edged, catch-22, ying-yang crappy mega-ego institution. The reason why I'm discussing her, beside the fact that I've been uncontrollably obsessed with her since November 1990 (7th grade), is the fact that Jaime Foxx was mocking her crisis and other celebs going through their own personal crisis. I love humor just like everyone else, but that was quite offensive. I've never been too keen on slamming celebrities on their problems, like Ben Affleck's recent bouts with alcoholism.

Mariah's new single "Never To Far" is going to be a smash! Of course she is known for her ballads, but if anyone has listened to her albums, you know she has a penchant for sluring/whispering her lyrics and for those sometimes overwhelming vocal gymnastics, i.e. oversinging. Not on this song: Mariah sings powerfully from the soul, and the accompaning video is classic staged! Her makeup is beautiful, hair styled perfect for her face, and dress is tan and fits her fabulously without being trashy. I get chills every time I see/hear it. Mariah even has tears in her eyes at the very end of the video, very moving.

I was so disappointed that "Loverboy" only made it to Number Two on Billboard's Top 100 Singles chart, though it was Number One on the Top 100 R&B chart. Transverely, Destiny's Child's "Bootylicious" was Number One on the Top 100 Singles chart and Number Two on the Top 100 R&B chart. It would have been Mariah's 16th Number One song, but it does make it her 9th Number One on the Top 100 R&B chart...9th or 10th. What makes me so upset is that the first song released from a new Mariah album has always been a Number One - in fact, 3 of them debuted at Number One: Fantasy, One Sweet Day (which also holds the record of most consecutive weeks at Number One - 16 weeks), and Honey. No other artist can say that. Oh well... it went to Number Two, and was certified gold it's 2nd or 3rd week on the chart. She's proven it wasn't only Tommy Mottola's pioneering work at Columbia Records that made Mariah the success she is.

[21-9-2001] I'm starting to suspect that Mottola is sabatoging Mariah's career and combined with Virgin Records, Mariah's new label, not promoting her new album, I don't think "Glitter" is going to be a success.

[17/10/2001] Okay, I haven't been that paranoid about Mottola sabatoging anything. But there has been news that Mariah's new contract with Virgin is in trouble. I'm no longer worried about her career; she will be fine. She'll recover from this slump and prove herself once again in the eyes of all hypocritical pundits. It took 11 years before her career faltered....

I'm currently at work because I finally had my computer connected. This past week I've just sat at my boss Ann's desk staring at the back of her head or off into space. I've put in like 5 hours of overtime. Right now, Troy and Matt are on their way to pick me up. I've tried calling Matt's house since like 5pm so I can tell them what time to pick me up, but the phone has been off the hook. Oh well; at least I know I'm being picked up and won't have to sleep in my cubicle next to my newly installed PC.

There is so much drama at work. I asked Ann if it's typically this dramatic, though I wanted to say unprofessional. She said no, but I doubt her. I'm replacing her previous assistant...well actually her two previous assistants. The last one, Armando, just stopped coming into work. Ann says that she told him that he could go home early because there was nothing for him to do. Armando left, and didn't show up for the rest of the week. Now, Armando was replacing John. John recently married Carolyn, an executive administrative assistant highly esteemed here at Gateway. John apparently had problems learning his tasks (I find them elementary), and Ann fired him, but because John is involved with Carolyn, John was moved into another position; I've heard he's not doing well there as well.

Anyway, Ann is pretty cool. She reminds me of Laura San Giacomo.

By the way, I think it's funny that Evan (AKA E.V. of Blogger fame) has Jason Kottke listed as a recommended site, but Jason has Evan's on his "B-List" ("not recommended at all"). Ironic.

Ahhh so much to say, so little time...
 

I guess I should mention that I started working at Gateway on August 27th on a contracting basis through Addeco, a temporary staffing agency. I'm in the web development and design department, though technically I work in marketing, and my title is "Product Support." For the last week and a half, I've basically sat around doing squat waiting for I.T. and Facilities departments to get their acts together and set up my phone, computer and security badge.

This whole week I've had a sit-down dinner with friends. It's really nice; I didn't really do that much growing up until my last foster home. I enjoy it so much more now then I did then, since that was a "fabricated" family. With these dinners I have had the priviledge and opportunity to create my own family and include them in these little get togethers. However, I don't think that they will be as frequent in the future as they have been in the present. Troy has been venting a lot lately, which is not atypical, but at least he is venting in an analytical way as opposed to a useless, whining method endemic to him. Is that proper English? I hate being an ex-English major sans degree. I feel responsible for everything I type. I've become this grammar facist - like that skit from SNL with Phil Hartman as the French language teacher who is anal about pronunciation and grammar. When he goes on vacation to France and starts correcting the grammar of random Frenchmen and gets his ass kicked, I can totally relate. I even find myself correcting Native Spanish speaker's grammar - I know I'm heading for an international incident.

Walked over to the loft from Troys with Derrick, Kevin and Ron. Ron began having heart problems again. We were all a bit intoxicated. Mario, the ever-predictable chickenhawk right on schedule, flocks to Derrick to flirt, along with some military-looking guy named Aaron (who was kinda hot). Jealousy? You betcha. About Mario? Oh no...no, no, no, nononononon! I'm fine, really. And Derrick's okay - he is attractive; boyish, young, multi-racial (black and white), intelligent and sensitive with a hearty sense of humor. Why do I find these characteristics in boys and not the men I'm consistently attracted to?!! I pissed Troy off by walking to the Loft with a full glass of Vodka/Strawberry Hawiian punch/Sprite mixture - relax, Troy. I was in control of my actions, and I acknowledged to Andy the bartender that I would stay outside with my drink so I wouldn't endanger the bar of losing its licenses. A lot of people would be homeless then. My pseudo-alcoholism isn't really all that fun anymore - I don't know what Elizabeth Wurtzel is talking about.

Ideas for my homepage when I have time:

Misanthropic Musings
Daily Diatribe
Quotes, including "As your mother I cannot be held responsible for your well-being" - Jennifer Saunders as Edina Monsoon, AbFab
The vault/library/cinema: music/books/movies I like
"GRE Words make me Hot" - word of the day, including miniture index cards with a word and definition
The Joshua Tree, including timeline
Jack Kerouac-esque Meanderings, Greyhound First Class
DJ Jazzy Facts
Stuff on San Diego, including interactive Flash demo
"You Modeled for Who?" - including Greyhound, third world generic douche, et al.
Links - of course
Photography, as soon as I get a camera
Poetry and other writing
Divas - Live from [insert local Grocery store non-Mom 'n Pop, e.g. Kroger]
also regarding Divas - animated simulations of Divadom
Black & White - Oxymorons, hypocrisy, and other things I think I'm not but I'm good at
Resume
Today I wanna be...
Powered by Psychosis
"The Loft" and other Bar Operas

That's all I can think of right now.

Okay I feel like I've had some breakthroughs with my blog, but I don't think I want to exalt my achievements as of yet. I should admit that I don't even own my own computer - welcome to 2001, Josh, yet I've made 4 posts now in less than 24 hours; how do I have such gratuitous Internet access? "And I'm all alone...there's no one here beside me...well ya gotta have friends" God bless Bette Midler YES! I'm gay - that is what the "Alternative" refers to in my title.

Well...technically, I identify as being gay, but I think everyone, no matter how über-masculine nor hyper, kinderwhore feminine one is, he or she can love the same or opposite sex. In terms of love, I have that capacity to love anyone in a mental, physical, and sexual way, regardless of one's sex - it's the person I love, not his or her genitalia. However, yes, I admit, without any acknowlegement of anything beyond the physical, I am totally attracted to guys, the assholes.

Ahhh I'm not off to a good start. I'm gonna read an HTML 4.0 book to get some clues on how to do this. It's sucks, and I'm a bit frustrated cause I should know how to do this stuff; I work at Gateway doing web development and design... not rocket science, though this MAY explain why 25% of Gateway's global workforce was laid off last week.

Finally! I got it to work. Anyhow, this is just an experimental page as I learn HTML, Flash, Dreamweaver, and such, so if you bare with me, I'll soon be able to bare my soul. *collective groan* Yes I know... sounds like a "Highway to Heaven" episode, and thanks to Pax-TV (or no thanks), the show shall live on gloriously through syndication. Anyway.

Okay, I'm trying to create this blog website and it doesn't seem to be working.. grr!