I met someone online yesterday that I have a good feeling about. The only this is that he's in Witchita, Kansas, which is "not in the plan." We'll see...

I'm not very happy right now. I guess the manic stage is over. It seems like I can't take care of myself or do the bare minimum like wake up on time or work out or ever shower or floss. And I feel horrible about yesterday; I was supposed to go to Costa Mesa and squat to see a counselor, but I sprained my foot on Sunday and used it as an excuse to stay home and masturbate all day, yet I called into work mid-day to "check in" and say I was still up in Orange County waiting for a counselor. Part of the AA program is to admit mistakes and make ammends when necessary. I so don't want to tell anyone about this, especially work. And I'm not on that stage of the program yet. What do I do?

I also injured my back on Sunday. I was playing volleyball with a bunch of people from AA, and I fell twice, once twisting my back and another time spraining my ankle. I want to see the chiropractor, but because of missing Monday and because I was late two times last week while my boss was out of town which she called me on, I'm hesitant to ask for the time off. I will try to schedule an appointment around lunchtime so I can use that time. I can't do this now, though, cause I'm running low on gas and I'm still waiting for my new ATM card; I left my old card at an ATM accidently. So I'm conserving gas where possible since I have $5 cash until my ATM card arrives.

I'm just a mess.

My family dynamic and my lack of connection to it has been really bothering me lately. I've had several dreams about my father's side of the family; in one dream, I'm carrying my baby sister and my father tells me that no matter how many times I fall down my sister is not to touch the ground. Of course I fall many times, but I'm always careful that she doesn't get hurt. It's just another reminder that my needs and general welfare were never my father's concern.

I'll write more about this later.

Day 32 sober, woohoo.

I saw my psychiatrist today and got my Effexor dosage upped. I also talked to her about cognitive behavior therapy and found out my therapists can work on this with me.

I've been feeling much better lately. So good, in fact, that I'm making all these plans and endeavors in my head; I'm beginning to think I'm having a manic episode. It's not to the degree that I'll move to NYC without any pause to consider long-term effects or to think things through, but I feel good for no real reason. I shouldn't question why I feel good and should get lost in the euphoria. I think I've been happy because I cleaned my room up a bit and did some laundry - major accomplishments for me. I need to keep at it, and I will, just a little bit here and there one day at a time. I need to make a schedule and I need to keep a list of all the little projects I want to do.

I finished One Hundred Years of Solitude. All I can say at the moment is wow - what an amazing book! After I finished the book, I felt unfairly abandoned, burning with a sense of loss, tragedy and love that this book is filled with.

My depression hasn't been alleviated; it's still hard for me to get out of bed in the mornings. I've felt good today, but I spent the entire weekend in bed until about 7pm Sunday evening. Saturday I was supposed to go to a DUI education class and Sunday morning I was supposed to play tennis with Rancy, yet I napped in bed most of the time. I meet with my Psychiatrist on Thursday to discuss my medications. I'm going to tell her how unfocused and down I've been for the past two months. All I have been concentrating on is my lack of concentration, and I'm tired of being unproductive. I don't want to start my new life in Orange County this this mode.

I'm really worried - tomorrow I have a court date where restitution is assessed, stemming from the DUI I had back on November 15th. I hit a car which hit a parked car, and I'm paying the insurance company of the car I hit roughly $15,000 for damages. What if I'm charged some exorbitant amount? How will I afford moving to Irvine/Costa Mesa? I've been thinking lately that the best thing to do in the interim is commute everyday to save money in rent since I currently pay Rancy $150/month. I don't want to consider bankruptcy, but if it's like $25,000, what will I do? A dark cloud hovers over my financial progress.

Today is sober day 29, and I me

I've been taking Effexor since last August, but the last few months have been intense dealing with my depression and alcoholism. I think taking the pill is a good start, but it's not a long-term solution. I want to ask my Psychiatrist and therapist about this:

Psychotherapy Without Antidepressants Best For Battling Depression

I've been sober 22 days now. I stayed sober during Gay Pride, so I'm grateful for that.

I've been in a funk for the last few months. I'm trying to work through it.

Why do I resent cute guys? I reject them the second I see them. I think it's because I don't want to be rejected.

Why can't I stick to a workout program? I can't stick to any program I create. I can, but I'm lazy and I give up. I need to stick to a workout program. I need to write out a plan and stick to it.

I wrote down a list of short-term goals while at work today. That should help getting motivated to start working on something. I'm wasting my time doing nothing. I don't want to look back in 5 years and be as regretful as I am over the past 5 years.