Lately I've been neglecting this site. What do I mean lately? This has been going on for like the last year and a half. I read sites like Jason Kotte's, Meg Hourihan's, and Jeffrey Zeldman's and feel so inspired to learn and to write, but when reading their articles I'm reminded how elementary my though process can be sometimes: See spot, see spot run...

I've been neglecting a lot of things lately. I'm neglecting taking care of myself. I'm not working out. I'm not eating right. I'm eating fast food every day cause I'm too lazy to go grocery shopping. I did vacuum around my bed, cleaned the matresses, made my bed, and put away my two-week old laundry, but I still have a lot more to do with my room, namely filing paperwork. And I feel so overwhelmed with all the books I want to read and all the technologies I want to study, that I am not taking any action; I don't know where to begin: should I finish Desiging with Web Standards before finishing my HMTL/XHTML/CSS book? Should I learn Photoshop before attempting to create my homepage or redesigning this blog? Should I work on my Computer Science degree at a community college or should I enroll in a Multimedia and Web Design program?

I've been sober for 31 days today. This time I'm a little more excited about it after considering I drank almost every day for 4 years straight. It was so hard trying to stay sober without being involved with AA; I'd find myself on Friday and Saturday night struggling to fight the urge to go out to my familiar haunts and party. And fight I did; it honestly was a battle cause I desperately wanted not to drink. I think the longest I could go would be two weeks before I'd be back drowning myself in mixed drinks, wine, and beer.

During yesterday's volleyball game, Jay said a rather hurtful comment. I was singing "As Fat as I am" by Bette Midler to make people laugh and wasn't paying attention to the game. Jay said something like "Why don't you stop singing and start playing the game, cause you're not doing a good job." That really hurt, and I left on the spot. Jay is critical of every player, ordering people around and telling them to "slow it down" or "bump, set, spike." He'd harped on me several times during the course of our game play, but that comment hit a deep nerve; it brought back all this childhood negativity and insecurity when I'd question if I was good enough to participate in playground activities. And to be honest, I was always an average-to-excellent player in any game I played, but there was this perception and judgment that I was too slow or inadequate a player because of my weight. But it made me so angry; angry that I could be taken back to a vulnerable time in my life so quickly, angry that I'd be upset over something so petty, and angry that I'd let someone affect me that way. I didn't drink over it, but I did use sex as a way to cope, channeling one addiction in another's absence. I did call Todd my sponser and left a message; I knew it was the right thing to do, but I also knew that he'd probably hear about it from someone that was at the game like his sponser. And I prayed last night to accept what happened, to acknowledge it and to move on, and to forgive Jay for a comment that probably wasn't meant to be as hateful as it came across. But tonight's meeting is held at Jay's house. I'm not really comfortable with that; my way is to put uncomfortable things off and procrastinate. Todd said that even if the meeting is held at Jay's house, that shouldn't interfere with my recovery; principals before personalites. Even though I like to put off uncomfortable situations and feelings, perhaps tonight's meeting will speed the healing process.