Ughh...

I had 2 glasses of wine last night - there goes my sobriety. Oh well, got to 63 days this time. And I wasn't even drunk; I figured if I'm gonna blow my sobriety I should go all out, and I didn't do that. Maybe that's a step toward recovery.

I can't find my wallet. The last time I saw it was at the Balboa Tennis Club. Hopefully I'll find it in Mikey's car.

OMG I had the most amazing business ephiphany today, thanks to an article I read in a BusinessWeek magazine I "borrowed" from my doctor's office. This idea helps clarify my academic direction. I need to look into Small Business ventures. Sheeesh, so much on my plate, but this idea is really exciting me from just the peripheral planning I'm doing in my head. I need to research the "niche" of my business idea.

I can't believe I let my finances get so mismanaged as to have -$589 in my account (my account says I have available -$789 or so, I'm confused by this). Ugh!! I thought I was taking charge, instead of living large. Budget, budget, budget. I need to get rid of expenses I don't really need to incur.

I'm so irritable lately. I don't think the Risperdal I'm taking for it is working. Yes, it's an anti-psychotic, but my Psychiatrist said in low dosages, Risperdal has helped with irritability.

I've been reading up on Blogger help in preparation for a site redesign. I'm also looking registering my domain name and having Yahoo host the site. We'll see.

I got my medication refilled. Just experiencing a lot of sleepiness, but that may be because I'm not taking my vitamins nor hydroxycut. I'm eating a lot of junk food too, and my appetite has returned.

Last night went to a disco roller skate thing for AA. Felt isolated and alone and wanted to drink, but talked to Phillip and felt a lot better, though the desire was still there. Yes, I know drinking won't solve anything nor make me feel any better. The desire is just part of the sickness, I guess.

I need to get my medications refilled. I'm on day 2 or 3 of cycling off Effexor because I ran out. I need to describe how it feels. I'll be walking and suddenly struck with this icy vertigo chill starting in my head then spreading wake-like through the rest of my body, all lasting for about half a second.

It's weird I can't remember if it was Sunday or Monday that I last took Effexor. My memory is starting to go. Actually, it's not my memory; I'm just so overwhelmed with things to do and remember that the "lessor-priority" things are being premptived.

I'm getting irritated with going to meetings too. I met with my sponser yesterday and brought up some issues I had that occurred while doing a worksheet on the first step. I don't feel like I've hit my bottom, and I can't "utterly" surrender to the fact that I'm an alcoholic and that I cannot overcome the unmanageablity of life with the help of a power greater than myself. I tried communicating this at a meeting last night and felt like I was rambling and unconnected. Maybe it's from cycling off my medication. I don't really know. But tonight when I get home I'm going to find my new prescription and get it filled.

I like this new format for Blogger. I'll add to my ever-growing list of things to do to explore more of the features of blogger and to update the look/feel of my site.

I'm listing to NPR and Nancy Reagan was pressing for Stem-Cell research on fetuses and discussed how so much time has been lost in the research. I'm assuming she's referring to the Alzheimers disease her husband is suffering from.

I find it ironic that she would be pressing for research that her party, the Republican party, has opposed, however, while her husband was President, so much "time was lost" in AIDS/HIV research; I believe Ronald Reagan never uttered the AIDS world while President.

My weekend feels like it was wasted, but I know it wasn't. I made all these plans to do AA events and I forgot that I'd already committed covering Troy's shift making burgers at Pecs while he worked for Stan. Sunday was better: had a 2 1/2 hr lunch with a person I'd met online, discussing spirituality and sexual fantasies; played tennis for 2 hr with the roommate; and helped a friend pack/move to Phoenix. Last night, I spent some time with John and his dog Butch. He seems like such a sweet guy, and has an incredible house. I was touched that he appreciated how open I was in sharing my story with him, and he opened up in return -- a very nice connection.