As I'm finishing up at work (I came in late today), I had a few thoughts about seasons and periods during the year. Once Christmas comes and goes, it feels like everyone is in zombie mode going through the motions of living life until inevitably New Years arrives. I'm perking up from my end-of-the-year stupor, but I'm more inclinded to call it a the-entire-fucking-year stupor.

Last day of the year. I need to do a year-in-review or re-cap, especially for the last few months. December alone has been marred by exploritory sex, disappointing trips to Ft. Lauderdale, and fickle, flakey men.

Goodbye 2003, you won't be missed. Here's to 2004 - I feel it will really be my year. Ok, now that I've declared that, watch I'm struck and killed tonight (I hope not - someone knock on a woody for me).

Sorry, don't worry about me. Still unmotivated to write. I'll update soon. I turn 25 tomorrow, blech.

I haven't been very motivated to write.

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Sorry with the random vocab posts; I've been really busy preparing my weekend getaway to NYC this July 4th. I've never been; the farthest Northeast I've been thus far is Atlanta.

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Just a quick post so I have a post for May; I haven't felt up to writing in awhile. I've started writing down my dreams as soon as I wake up. I've been helping people move recently: Troy all day yesterday and today; Ron last week. In fact, Ron's shit is still in the back of my truck; I'm driving around San Diego like I'm the Beverly Hillbillies.

It so bothers me so much when I forget things. Troy was telling me about the weird dreams he had last night, reminding me about the freaky dream I had as well. I thought about it on my way to work and also remembered that I had a freaky dream the previous night, though the details were unclear. I should have jotted down a note so that I wouldn't forget the details later on. Well, that's happened, and it's my nature to dwell. Maybe the details will surface through all the useless shit in my head - 8 hours later in the midst of karaoke..."Fuck I remember!! Oh... sorry everyone."

I should keep a journal next to my bed to jot down notes on my dreams before they dissapate. I should create a mini-site about these dreamscapes my mind comes up with. There are a lot of things I should do.

I hate when I mess up my link codes!!! I was saying he's got a David Morse vibe.

This guy is sooo witty!

Ron isn't such a bad guy. He's very sweet. It's sad to know that he was in love with a man who did nothing but push him away for 8 years. I just found out they "broke up" 3 weeks ago.

I have a new love. I couldn't find much on TV Sunday night given, what - my three channels - so I paused on Ice Bound. Adian Devine plays the quasi-love interest. He's got a

Monday, April 21, 2003

On Saturday, April 19th, I celebrated Devon's birthday; he threw a big birthday party for himself, even renting a stretch hummer limo. I had a good time dyeing my hair red and working toward the worse of the few hangovers of my life. After a disappointing dinner at the Red Foxx (I paid $35 for 4 jumbo shrips and tomato slices since we divided the bill evenly...if I had known we were going to do that I would have ordered of the cape cod shots they called a cocktail), eighteen other faggots and I pranced around all the San Diego bars adorned in red, black, and pink accessories. With my dyed hair, pink boa, prescription sunglasses and pink cocktail napkin sticking out my pocket, I was having a better-than-okay time. There was a guy named Aaron that everyone was lusting after; he looks like Ed Burns-as-mechanic, tattoos, cigarettes and all. He seems like a sweet guy; I need to work out LOL. Devon slapped me around a bit at the Loft when I said I was going to walk home from there; I only lived around the block. I don't think he will remember when I see him. I have to send him a thank you card.

Saturday was also my 4-year anniversary of moving back to San Diego. This day also marked the 1995 Oklahoma City Bombings and 1999 Columbine shootings. Happy Birthday, Devonia.

Ron is a big ole mess. He's still as charming as a snake; you know he's gone bite and poison you, but you're hypnotized. I'm onto David now. Well, I've been "onto" him for awhile. I've had a minor crush on him for almost 2 years now. He's so handsome, just like his brother.

I was so productive on Tuesday. So productive that I did absolutely nothing on Wednesday. Oh well. But I did get a lot done; turned in my overdue books, got gas, made my car payment, went grocery shopping, did laundry, answered e-mail, got my hair cut. Sense of accomplishment -- good! Since Dharma and Greg I've been in a much better mood.

Work is much better. I've been in a good mood for quite some time. I'm kinda distracted at work, but wanted to jot some stuff down while it was fresh in my head.

Man I need to:
Clean my room
Pay bills
Study
Clean-up right nav, or...
Redesign

My work rebranded last October, yet we're going to have a "relaunch of the brand" centered around the "comfort" of technology. So, I doubt I'll wanna fuck around with HTTP on this site for awhile longer.

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Oh I remember what I wanted to say...

1. I've lost my personality
It actually disappeared some time ago. This, thankfully, was brought to my attention by Troy Davis. I think it suffocated underneath my extra weight, and when I lose it, I'll find it fossilized. It's actually only fossilized in text, documented when I was 18. I was reading ramblings I wrote a long, long time ago. I'm so blown away by the boy I used to be (I used the word "textualize" -- huh?). What happened to him? As Troy pointed out last night while we enjoyed the wafting cool breeze on the benches outside of Frys Electronics, I will never lose any of my weight; I won't accomplish any of the goals I talk about; I won't do anything until I first love myself. I know this -- I know everything, damnit, and therein lies part of the problem; I'm so tenacious that I don't listen to any advice I receive. It's my way, all or none. Knowning, however, and feeling are two different things.

When I see my therapist on Friday, I'm asking her to refer me to a psychiatrist so I may begin social anxiety medication or something. I feel so awkward in the most mundane of activies; today I picked and stared at my fingernails while ordering lunch at work and had to remind myself no body was looking at me.

2. I'm in love for the very first time again.
Actually, I'm not in love, but man, oh man, is Rob Ron a man! And his personally exacerbates my lack of one. He's originally for North Carolina, and he looks like the very first man I ever fell in love with named Larry. He's so engaging; he can go on and on talking non-stop about the most useless shit, unconsious about everything but surprisingly connected, and will not hestitate to tell you what he's thinking whether this information is warranted or not. My inability to hold a converstion, probably, went completely unnoticed except by me, of course, since I'm sensitive to everything; the heartbeat of a Mexican fruitfly, the struggle of the Basque people of Spain, the GNP of Boliva in 1973. I see this as if it was archived news footage running as a headline on CNN.

Ron reminds me of a Sims character I created with Larry in mind. I was making a sleezy Sims scenario true to gay life; xxx-tra hung big bad brutal body-builder top seeks insatiable bubble-butt boy bottom ... you know the type, or dream of him.

Why does depression fosters such creativity? Van Gogh comes to mind, poor 'lil ear. I'll write more later, maybe, if I feel like it. Meanwhile, "On the wings of love, only the two of us together flying high" in my own warped world. Actually, I'm not as ga-ga as this probably sounds. When I think about it, the orchestra cresendos for only a second or so. Then I see, in slow motion as I walk down a generic street, bulldozed buildings on fire, rain-sloshed streets reflecting the oscillating lights of firetrucks, while Louis Armstrong's "What a Wonderful World" is queued in the background.

It's nice to know someone is as neurotic as me; I like this man. Once again, I was inspired to write but when I have a moment to reflect, I have nothing to say.

I'm angered by this news -- why should we seek a French role in post-war Iraq? Why should we consider the economic interests of France when mostly American and British coalition forces are the ones suffering casualties fighting against Saddam? I know this is emotive reasoning, but is it French mothers burdened by the fact their sons and daughters are POWs being humiliated and displayed on Iraqi TV, wondering if their child is hurt, desperately praying their child will make it out of Iraq alive? Are the French contributing to the $74.7 billion bill America is footing?

France has done nothing to warranty any consideration whatsoever, except maybe scorn. I'm only interested in hearing from the countries that have demonstrated any type of supported for America's leadership; we engaged the world with the Saddam issue with a pro-active attitude and France bowed out, which to a point I can respect. But if France is a recognized contributor in a post-Saddam regime and benefits economically in this new democracy, they would essentially be saying that war was indeed the correct action to take in dealing with Saddam. The French: "Well I don't agree with you and I'll veto any resolution you and your allies propose, but since you guys went ahead anyway and did all the dirty work, I think I'd like to 'help out'."

Up until the point where the French announced they would veto any UN resolution proposing war with Iraqi, I respected the French's opposition. In fact, I thought it childish of Americans to boycott French foods (calling french fries "patriot fries"?) because the majority of Americans disagree with the French position on war with Iraqi. However, when the French announced this unequivocal refusal, I thought this stance amounted to the equivalent of a 4-year old throwing a temper-tantrum ("no matter what you say or what you do, I will not agree with you - it's my way or no way").

We are blessed with the freedom to hold our own opinions, whether they are shared by the majority of citizens or not. I value the fact that we can have Americans still protesting the war, though I feel their efforts would serve better by supporting our troops instead. And although I've been been quite conflicted with my views of the war, begrudgeonly I support it; it's the right thing to do. In the past, America has responded to Global threats reactively, typically when we are directly affected by the menace (Pearl Harbor in WWII). Negate any preceived self-interest by the president: the fact that this president is the son of the last President who engaged Iraq in war. We're taking a pre-emptive approach that ultimately will save lives worldwide.

I went to see the San Diego City Ballet's "Ballet on the Edge: Black and White" performance last Saturday night at the Jewish Community Center in La Jolla. I had a great time seeing familiar faces amongst the troope that I recognized from "The Nutcracker" performance last Christmas.

I've been up all night trying to catch up with my English work, and I'm trying to stay awake while waiting for my programming design class to start. I tried to read my textbook but kept nodding off, so I thought I'd check my e-mail and entertain myself for the 30 minutes until class starts.

Remind me to talk about the Iraqi War.

I had a great counselling session today. I don't think I mentioned, but I started going to therapy about 2 months ago; today was my 6th visit, the first in about 3 weeks due to last-minute work obligations. I came away with the resolution to find social activities outside of a bar, so I'm going to visit The Center to find other social activities.

Otte came out last weekend from Minneapolis. I had fun and was glad to see him. We saw "Bringing Down the House" - funny movie. We talked a lot about the current situation with Iraq and the European view of America. I just read this article about the President's outline for a Palestinian state by 2005 and all I can ask myself is this: what gives America the moral authority to outline political doctrines for the Middle East? I realize that nobody else is doing anything about the conditions between Israel and Palestine, however, given what's going on in Iraq and with North Korea on the horizon, aren't we spreading our political agendas too thin? One thing that upsets me by all this is the continued decline in our own economy and the increasing jobless rate and all the people in need in our own country, and our sights elsewhere in the world than our own backyard.

I've had a lot on my mind that I've wanted to write about, but haven't really felt motivated to write. I started school 3 weeks ago, and that's keeping me busy. When I get a chance, I'm gonna practice my html skills and create a table detailing my classes.

My notebook that I ordered at the beginning of January came about 3 weeks later. I got the printer from that order a month and 3 days after I ordered it. Wasn't very happy with customer service; the only person that I thought did a really good job was Shelby, the person I originally ordered with. I may feel that way since she was more familiar with me and my order, however, she was the only person who I didn't feel was reading from a scripted order. I hate that; I worked at International Male, a male clothing catalog company, doing phone orders and I tried not to sound too scripted, as long as I was properly caffinated.

The car accident I got in to... oi. I'm at fault (which I knew) and I had a lapse of insurance coverage (which I knew), but I've received like five letters stating all this. The only letter I want is the bill so I know how much I'll have to fork over. I need to file my taxes so I can pay this. I was gonna use my taxes to pay off Target, CitiBank, and American Express, but now I don't know. I have a lot of line-item deductions to make, so I got to go into H&R Block or something.

I have until February 18th to finish traffic school for a speeding ticket I got back in August. I haven't started at all. I'm going to do this online, and I'm have to pay for the service, but I won't have money until the 14th. I hope that it doesn't take that long. I don't have classes this Friday due to the President's holiday this weekend, so I think I'll work as much as I can on Friday and Saturday; I'm hoping the online module will be "at your own pace."

I got into a minor car accident on Friday.

Went to Dave and Buster's last night with Jasper and Brad. That place is huge! I haven't played arcade games in a long time.

I lost in today's bowling competition by one point at the last minute. I got 127, much better than the 112 that won me the bowling trophy a few weeks ago.

American Dialect Society

I survived, but I don't wanna talk about it...just yet. But I did order my brand-new notebook yesterday -- should arrive sometime around the 13th.

How do all these people write loads about their fabulous lives and still have the time to live them?

Okay I had more to post, but I'm at work, and I hate my crappy computer system. IE always crashes ... ALWAYS. I'll write about it later; it had to do with my great annoyance with all people in general, not like its some new epiphany or anything.