Things are going ok, despite the fact that my four-year long gig with Gateway officially ended last Wednesday. Here's my goodbye letter:

As you may know, my last day with Gateway will be this Wednesday, August 31st. Befittingly, as my tenure began with a major product line revitalization (back when Gateway was the “Essential” and “Performance” computer to have, we launched the Gateway 300, 500, and 700 Series that September), so it ends with one.

I am so grateful for the opportunities I’ve been given and the growth I’ve experienced – both professionally and personally. I came to Gateway – back when we were located in La Jolla – on August 27th, 2001, a 22 year-old boy with a dream. Just kidding about the dream; honestly, I had no idea what to expect when I answered a Monster ad for a two month-long assignment as Gateway converted to the Siebel platform. Lesson one, though: priorities change!

Quick memories, some great achievements and lessons learned. I hope you smile and go “hmmmm…” as I did while reminiscing on the following:

• Gateway.com and Accessory store shopping cart integration.


• Pre-attach, pre-attach, pre-attach! – A pain to get that initiative to its final iteration on our product details pages.


• Conversion from static to dynamically generated and automated product pages.


• The rise and fall of Gateway Consumer Electronics.


• “The Comforts of Gateway.”


• C3, C4, Release 1.5, etc.


• Professional’s Humanology endeavor… “The Servers have Ears!”


• Web order entry automation.


• Quick config/ship vs. fixed SKU.


• And finally, “When in doubt, it needs a footnote: an ode to Legal!”

Thank you all, and speaking as a colleague, friend, and stock owner, I wish you and Gateway the best and brightest of futures!

One a personal note, please watch for me as I audition for American Idol this year. Product placement, anyone? Speaking of which, what ever happened to the Desktop Diva? In honor of her, here’s a blast from the past (only accessible on our network): http://irwgtwy902/temp/joshb/DesktopDiva-2563.mpeg. We have truly come a long way!

So now I have to look for a job, but I'm taking a lot of free classes to brush up on some Web development skills.

Just checking in...I'm still alive. I'll write soon.

I haven't posted in a long-ass time, obviously. There is so much going on, but I don't know if I'm overwhelmed; I probably am since I'm avoiding everything as usual. But I have very painful medical issues going on, so I haven't been able to focus on anything other than the pain I'm experiencing. Maybe greater men could, but sorry I couldn't.

I'm very sad. I think part of it was seeing Jason tonight at Richs. Jason was 12 when I last saw him when I was 17 and in foster care; he was my foster parent's grandson. Tonight, I saw him as a 21-year-old-man working security at the club. Of course I asked him if he was gay; he isn't. As cliche as it sounds, seeing him tonight took me back to a simplier time when I didn't have the breadth of problems that I do now. Plus it reminded me that I'm 26 and haven't done much with my life.

I went to San Francisco on March 18th for 15 days to meet someone I had been chatting with online. It was my intention to start chatting with San Franciscans as I want to move there, so I thought I'd get the jump on meeting and making new friends. Trey and I seemed to hit it off even with some tempestuous agruments via chat. I chopped it up to misunderstanding of intonation and inflection in our chats. But from the start it was volitale at its best. Still, we decided we had some "chemistry" between each other, and I decided to go to a local SF clinic and get tested for STDs.

I found out on March 29th, 2005, that I'm HIV+. I'm still waiting for the confirmation blood work, but the rapid test I took is very accurate. Then I started having problems with my rectum: painful, bloody bowel movements. It got so bad that I could barely move without causing a sharp pain to ravage through me, and I couldn't sleep comfortably through the night. Two weeks into the pain I'm back in San Diego and finally given some pain medication at the expense of an ER doctor shoving some analscope up my hole with some lube; the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life. I was impressed, though, with my manly screams; I figured I'd be hollaring on the top of my lungs like Mariah Carey on some good crack.

I actually had an appointment with a rectal surgeon the following day, but I was in so much pain that I thought I should go to the ER right away. They gave me vicodin, telling me to take one pill every four hours; I took five pills and felt no relief, so I gave up on the vicodin. The following day I saw the doctor, and he had no clue what was wrong, guessing that it was herpes. He prescribed valtrex and a generic form of percocet, which worked much better than the vicodin.

I had surgery on April 14th, and they removed an infected piece of tissue and did a biopsy. They ruled out herpes, thankfully, and all they were able to find was a high number of bacteria that occurs when one takes a lot of antibiotics, which was weird since I wasn't taking any. So they prescribed two medications to treat that.

I keep asking "What will make me happy" but I think I've realized something in the last week. I need to first realize that I deserve happiness before I can ask what would make me happy. Same with relationships; I need to love myself first before I can love another person.

I feel repulsive and unloveable, condemned to be self-asborbed, balding and pudgy for the remainder of this lifetime.

I wish I knew what would make me happy. It's 12:30am and I'm home high on caffiene cruising the chatrooms for I don't know what. But I wish it would stop. I was told I need to turn it over to God, and I thought I did. I guess I take it back to quickly. But I have to keep turning it over. I'm not supposed to get too hungry, too angry, too lonely, or too tired. It's the lonely part that often gets me. What do I do to overcome it. Last night was a big step for me, even though I didn't make it to midnight. I need to put myself out there. Do I attend every freaking AA meeting out there? I don't want to go from not having a life drinking too much to not having a life as Mister AA.

What will make me happy? I'm trying to study JavaScript and I keep coming back to the chatrooms and Adam4adam and ICUII. I guess I keep trying with the JavaScript until I can stick with it. I need to retrain myself.

What will make me happy? I had a great conversation with Ed after the 6 o'clock meeting. I should ask him to dinner or get his phone number. He is very intelligent, and I related to what he had to share with me. I was telling him how I feel like I should know what I wanna do with my life. Growing up my generation was groomed to pick an occupation and apply to college. Ed said, as my boss has said, that it's not important what program you choose to study for your bachelor's degree but that you complete it. It shows that you can start something and see it to completion. That is so difficult for me. For some reason it's hard for me to complete anything I begin.

What will make me happy? In the back of my mind I keep thinking it will be a man, but I know deep down that that's not going to happen. I want a validation that's unobtainable. I know that's certain. Let's focus on healthy, spiritual things. Stop with the chatting; I'm wasting time there. I want to be more constructive, smarter, more social, financially fit, in-shape, spiritually sound. Tomorrow is a new day.