Ahhh I'm so excited; 2002! The last time there was a year that only required 2 numbers pressed in a staccato fashion was 1991 - 7th/8th grade. Anyway, that was a random observation. I guess observations are inherently random...

I should note that Billy died Friday night. I'm surprised its affecting me as much as it is, since we weren't really close friends. Death of a stranger is sad; of course it's heightened when you knew the person. I don't know; I really don't have much to say about it, but Billy will certainly be missed by a lot of people, including me.

I'm going to start tonight's festivities at the Calyph to see Don'L and Ria Carey perform - that should be fun. And then off to the Loft where I had such a great New Year's Eve time last year, the parts I remember, anyway...

I'm not going to San Francisco with Matt; I'm tired of his psycho-childishness. I'm trying to get Troy to go, even offering to pay his way, but so far he's declining. I'm not too worried; I know he's just giving me a hard time - he'll go.

A lot happened last night at the Calyph. We gathered there to celebrate his life. Some people couldn't come; the Calyph is where Billy had his heart attack. But I thought it was fitting since Karaoke and the Calyph were two of his most favorite things. It was a good night for me at the Calyph; I was in full voice for a change.

A lot more happened last night, but I don't feel like talking about it right now. Happy New Year!

The year is almost over!! wow...

I finally got my pre-employment drug screening test over with - what a pain! I went yesterday and they said they didn't have any "kits" to do the test with. I asked if I could reserve one, even offering to go to Rite-Aid and buying a cup or something. They told me to call the next day (which is today) to see if they received them. I call and I'm told, "Oh we had them, we just couldn't find them." Such astute professionalism...

I lost $260 last night at Viejas, darn it! Stupid me. But that's okay; I'm going to San Francisco January 25th - 28th with Matt. I didn't think I would be willing to go with him again. I guess it should be okay since Troy isn't coming (even though we invited him) and we're not driving up there again. I'm looking forward to it. I'm also planning to go to Mardi Gras with Zap the end of February, and to Seattle, Washington with the Gay Men's Chorus.

My back is feeling worse. On the left side of my hip bone where the spine connects, if feels like the cartilege is rubbing against each other, rocketing sharp pain through my body basically whenever I move. I need to set a new chiropractor appointment, cause I can't take much more of this.

I canceled Philosophy 110 since I won't have my car until the 31st of January. Phil 110 was a 3-week morning class at Grossmont College during it's "Winter Intercession." Since I won't have a car during this time, I won't be able to make it between home, school and work. A bummer, but it's nonetheless okay with me; I'm just excited to start school again, let alone getting my very first car/truck (not sure which yet)!

Oh god. Do you ever feel like you're going to die? I've been having mortality issues of late; I'm beginning to think I'm a hypochondriac.

Missed my chiropractor appointment because I didn't set the alarm because I was out late because I was getting drunk because my friends forced me because...because because because! Damn enablers! I didn't plan on really partying last night. The night culminated into falling into a 9-foot-deep puddle, á la "Poltergist III." I thought it would be funny to jump in a puddle and get Zap wet - instead I slip and fell into it. Walking home, I apologized to Zap the whole way. After my wakeup call this morning from David, whom I coordinated to meet with me at the Chiropractor to take me to work, I got out of bed and stepped on a soggy sock. "Why is my sock saturated with mucky water?" Horrified, last night suddenly pummeled my mind in the form of a monstrous headache - doh!

Oh, by the way, I didn't join 24hr fitness - at least, not yet. I went to finish my enrollment the following day, meeting Bobby at 6:30, only he doesn't show up when he's paged by the front desk, no one offers to find him, let alone assist me, and I'm pressed for time. I ended up leaving after 15 minutes without saying a word. I may go back later, but I'll definitely try avoiding that! I'd prefer Frogs Gym or something else.

I was hired on yesterday. Well it is contingent on passing a drug and background check (uh-oh!...). My official hire date will be December 31st. I'm so stoked!

The God Dionysus

Rupaul has a weblog. Great design, not to mention great posts!

And he likes Mariah!

Disgruntled Technology Newbie

I hate being so relatively new to the Computer Science field. I don't know many technical terms and inside stuff. Like the fact that the picture I posted in my previous post will only show if you go to the actual site I got the pic and capture it into my PCs cache (at least, that is what I think is going on). If I go to my site and right click on the pic and select "Show Picture," it won't show unless the pic is in my cache. I hate the fact that I'm actually linking a pic from another site instead of from my own server; I know that is gauche, but I don't know any other way to until I can concentrate on getting a PC (which seems to be happening really soon since I'm being hired on) and securing a host site or whatever.

At work, there is no consistency in the naming conventions of the components we use for our Servers. Someone kept talking about RAID Controllers and I couldn't find these on the site. I was like, "There is a 'Controller Card,' a 'Standard Disk Controller,' and a 'RAID Card.' I'm told that the RAID Card is synonymous with RAID Controller and is used because it is a desktop naming convention used for the consumer; it's assumed the first-time-server-buying consumer will understand a "Card" concept better than a "Controller" concept, a term used specific to a server. The reason all the bellyhoo: We're replacing all our server matrix pages with compare (complete systems) pages, something we implemented for our Desktops, Portables, "All in One," and "Destination" categories (I am not going to link to the matrix pages nor any Gateway pages except the home page; I don't want to jeopardize my job in any way). A little background: our matrix pages had all the systems (for example the 910C or the 910S) within a series (The Gateway 910 Series) displayed with several components listed (such as hard drive, operating system, or processor). The consumer could then compare all the systems within a series to each other and see what the main differences are between all the systems or servers within a given series. With a server, we want different information displayed in the columns (like processor, hard drive, etc.) for each series. So not only do we want to have different columns added for the servers compared to Desktops and Portables, but we want them platform (series) specific - and this is made more combersome since there is no naming convention consistent for Controllers. So there is a lot more coding we have to add to our ASP files. As I've said, RAID Card is synonymous with RAID Controller, but a RAID Controller is not the same as a Controller. So we have to specify for column A pull information from "Standard Disk Controller" and "Controller Card," then create column B to be populated with "RAID Card (Controller)" information from our database. This is what's been decided after literally 27 emails (I counted) and 5 telephone conversations. What a nightmare!

Some Random Thoughts...

I've decided on mid-January to get my car. That way, I don't have to be too frugal with my money, and can also get something in the $2000-$2500 price range. Though I went looking at www.signonsandiego.com and perused the used cars currently available; looks like some great buys for less than $1000. I think I'll save money with January 15th as a target date to purchase a car, but I'll look around and if I see anything nice that I can afford at that time, then I'll snag that.

It's official; later tonight I will officially enroll at 24hr fitness. I am so conflicted about this gym, but it so conveniently located near my home.

I agree with Jason (who subsequently agrees with Ben Brown, whoever he is); I hate that all I do is post links to other weblogs when I have so many ideas for essays, poems, and other assorted narcissitic ventures.

I'm so glad I'll have a notebook soon!! I get one so I can work from home whenever there is an emergency fix for the website or if I'm running late or can't come into work that day. This will be very convenient when school starts the end of next month!

Yea! Pensive Soul posted.

I'm removing the "Care to Comment" section; one because no one seems to comment (ggrrrrr!), and two because it's not working, and everytime I go to the site, a debugger program is enabled, and I have to click "no" about twenty times before I can actually get to the page.

I love Gap commercials! Taken from here. I remember a few years ago when Gap had several bands like Luscious Jackson singing "Fall into the Gap." Then they had 80s pop songs like Madonna's "Dress you Up" and Depeche Mode's "Just Can't Get Enough" with models lip-syncing the songs. THEN they had "Khakis Swing," "Khakis Country," "Khakis Soul" and the ultimate "West Side Story"-khakis saga sensation, with original choreography and all! The Gap's clothes are mediocre, but GOD their commercials are awesome! Check out Adcritic dot com on all your Gap-commercial needs. *end plug*

So it looks like I'll get a car Dec 27th or there abouts. I take my written test on the 15th, and soon after my driving test. Really looking forward to it.

Also good news on the job front; seems like I'll be hired on the first of the year. Benefits: Good!

There was a real point to writing this late at night, but I can't recall.

Babbling...

Don't tell me
I heard you
I know that
You know too

I know that something's wrong
I wished that someone'd tell me

Rainy days make me down
Yet I'm so happy
I'm still here
not yet gone
Struggling to find
Just what's wrong

Confesssion Time

I had to add the "mis-" to the name of this site, or else the abbreviation would have been "AA." As appropos as it may be, I don't need that kind of subverse "intervention."

Had a grand ol' time with Troy last night at the Loft. I can't believe he made me so mad to say something so tacky; this time a year ago, someone was shot at the Loft accidently (the bullet was meant for someone else). And as tragic as that was, I had to announce, "You know, Troy, isn't it time for another death at this bar," meaning that I was about to kill him. Troy, and Charlie and some bar entity/patron groaned. I didn't mean it at all; the entire night was clouded with the memory of what I said. It reminds me of the time I was in the Midtown Saloon in Atlanta on Karaoke night with a fresh haircut. My hair was cut way too short, and before I started singing, I said, "I feel like a cancer patient." I am sooooo dumb sometimes.

Troy said a lot of things last night that kind of upset me, things that shouldn't upset me, such as how much he loves me and how much he wants to hit me when I insult myself. He told me a lot of things I already knew about myself; how I build walls to keep people out emotionally, how I say mean things about myself as a self-defense mechanism, how I am very vicious to those whom I love. I know a few counselling sessions would be a good thing, but I'm just doubtful as to its effects. I want an instant cure; I know of people who go to therapy for 10 years and still aren't anywhere. I don't need that; I understand that I have problems and I know what they are, I don't need someone to remind me of them. If I did, I would get married. Actually, I just fear a "total physical and emotional breakdown" Mariah style. Working so hard to delay that (because it's inevitable - I was aiming around 35 years of age to experience one, to coincide with my mid-gay life crisis), I don't exactly jump and spin circles at the idea of casting aside all my hard work and pickled liver.

Troy also compared me to Devon, that tank of a beast! That was upsetting. But Troy was also telling me how much better I am than Matt, and I have to snicker in retrospect. When hearing this I was skeptical, but I wouldn't have been able to articulate why. Now I can say why; Troy only feels this way cause Matt is not his Psycho-Lover anymore. And this was reaffirmed this morning when I called Troy this morning to find out that after a week of not talking they were having breakfast together. Well, that doesn't really affirm anything but Troy's mental masochistic tendancies, but nonetheless!

Back from Palm Springs *hiccup* pretty much in one *hiccup* piece.

So much happened in Palm Springs (such as me - I was a nightmare Saturday night), but the only thing I really feel like typing is that I drove all the way home in David's car. I've never driven a stick-shift before, and actually do that at 90 miles an hour for a 150-mile trip - thrilling!!!

Other things worth remembering:

David and I went to the aerial tramway up the mountains right outside Palm Springs, I think they were the San Jacinto Mtns. What a beautiful site. It's amazing how the vegetation grows in only specific elevations, and as we were going up, we could see where one type of flora stopped growing, and another began. I was also overwhelmed by how the pine trees can grow into the side of a mountain. David and I theorized about plate tectonics and mountain birth. I want to go again with Zap and take pictures, as well as watch the movie the tramway has about how it was built. While we were in the bar having a cocktail to calm our nerves (there were these 8 year-old harpies shreiking and cackling the whole ride up), I mentioned to David that there should be available alcohol in pill form in time like we just experienced; being trapped in something the size of a coffin with annoying children. I thought I had a wonderful entrepreneurial idea until David reminded me about Valium.

I got really drunk and really paranoid on Saturday night. I was upset for several reasons: I had never really seen Kelly in the light of day pre-festivities (read: alcohol). I wasn't really impressed, but I still wanted him to want me (I am such a woman!) to satisfy my own ego. It doesn't hurt that he's really well hung (figuratively hurt I suppose), and that is a hard description to earn from me, no pun intended. Anyway, apparantly he's been boinking some strange fellow from a bar, and I was completely unimpressed with the guy. I was like, "hell, you might as well do me if you're doing THAT thing." (I was really bitchy, but don't think I said that outloud; I didn't) None of this is worth remembering, but Saturday night, in a moment of stupidity, or maybe just an extreme stupid move among many mundane ones, I went outside to take a hit of pot. When it came my turn, I took a deep breath and had to immediately cough, and that I did - right back into the pipe. The cherry went flying, mouths dropped, and I followed the trail of the cherry, a trail as captivating as a falling star, until it flickered out. As everyone's mouths were still dropped, with a wave of my hand I nonchalantly said, "Oh that happens all the time; pack the pipe with some more," handed the pipe off to someone, and staggered back into the bar as if nothing had happened out of the ordinary.

Sunday morning, poolside with a bottle of champagne and a pitcher of orange juice: Kelly was complaining about the whorrors of dating, ending his diatribe with, "Who needs a relationship!" I looked at him and grabbed my champagne class and quipped, "I have a relationship."

Finally out of work! What a hectic week, as usual. Whenever there is a commerce push, I'm always delayed doing my normal work. I'm not sure who's fault it is for all the delays, if it's people dicking around or what. But it's quite frustrating. I was also getting changes Friday Morning when I should have them all by Thursday morning at the latest. Being the email kamakazi that I am (email is suuuuuuuch a good way to communicate), I replied with some bitchy emails remarks and beseeched my boss to "set a standard" or something, set a weekly due date. If people change their minds about what they want on the site, then they will have to put that request in for the next week. Normally I don't mind late requests, but with 5 other things going on in the week preventing me to even start all the other requests people have given me, I went off.

I'm waiting for David to pick me up. We're going to Palm Springs for the weekend and staying with Kelly. I knew Kelly before I met David; David and Kelly have been friends for over 20 years. I've pseudo-slept with Kelly (fooled around, I guess); I've been intimate with David, going to dinner, sleeping in his bed, but haven't had sex. I know that David was interested in me, and I've distanced myself from him so he'll lose interest. I want to definately sleep with Kelly again, but I would feel bad about David. Kelly probably wouldn't have me anyway since I'm back at my pinacle of portliness. I'm wearing burgundy pants I bought back in Atlanta, and they're tight on me when 6 months ago no belt of mine could keep them on me!

Speaking of weight, I joined 24hr Fitness once again. I stopped going last March I think, because of electronic withdrawl issues I was having with them - they were taking too much money out or something to that effect. I had been paying $15 a month when I was going because my roommate is also a member, and I joined on his account. Apparently in the last 8 months, they've raised their family member rates to $28. I inquired about a $19 a month offer I saw advertised somewhere and was told that membership has restrictions; you're limited to work out either on a Monday-Wednesday-Friday-Saturday or Tuesday-Thursday-Saturday-Sunday schedule. This is a better choice, so I went with it, though I don't have a checking account (I'm switching banks at the moment), so I had to pay $75 for a one-month membership and I have until December 28th to transfer my membership over to the $19/month membership, paying the $138 difference from the one-month membership. I'm looking forward to working out once again, but not during the Winter - it's sooo damn cold. Well, for San Diego. It's in the mid-50s, and it kills me already just getting out of bed and from the warmth of my comforter. I about pass out getting out of the shower in the morning, the cool air biting at my wet body. So I really am not joygastic about the possibility of waking in the AM or going to work out in the late PM (work is so unaccomodating until I get my car next month) when it's freezing outside and I've been manically sweating.

Today's the last day of November, my favorite month....Travis would have been 13 yesterday. My grandmother would have been 66 on November 19th. Sara turned...how old??! I don't know, but her birthday and Sam's 23 birthday was on November 23rd. And Deanna, Melissa and my birthday were all on the 26th. I ended up going out Wednesday night to celebrate on my own. I didn't notice that Matt was there, and he said, "Fine, Josh, don't say hi," which invited a reply of "okay." He didn't talk to me at all, and left without me even noticing. Troy was there, and he was fun. I think Paige was hitting on him; Troy looked like a trapped animal, so I slurched over to where he was to rescue Troy. We went to Jack in the Box afterward, not helping my diet but certainly satiating the jumbo jack craving I was having.

Okay it's been over 2 months since Pensive Soul had made an update. I always worry when I don't see periodic posts; I assume the worst, such as a car accident or serious operating has happened and is keeping the author away from the computer, God forbid. "News bulletin: After months and months, so and so has been found dead." All this time I've thought this person has been alive, referring to this person in the present. I had that happen with an Aunt of mine; I found out she had died 6 months prior. NOT only was it hard for me to accept my Aunt's death more so than any other death because of the delay, but it was also hard for the people who had known of her death to deal with my new knowledge; they had to relive her death through my being notified.

I just had an issue with capitalizing God. Errrr. Do.....not......conform.....you......latent.....conformist!

I ended up staying home, ordering KFC and watching the Carol Burnett special. I was supposed to go to Troy's house to watch AbFab, but he didn't call me back after he got home from his dinner with Billy and Joey. I found out today that he had been busy with the tempestuous Matt psychodrama. I don't feel so bad anymore about Sunday, now that I found out about what Matt did. I just need counselling; Matt needs restraining jackets and shock therapy.

It's my party, and I'll be a bitch if I want to...

Apparently I insulted every single person except Troy at my wake/birthday party yesterday. I feel awful today, but in retrospect, I remember being really pissed off at everyone and everything. I was in a horrible mood, and that coupled with alcohol and having to hang out with the "friends of friends," none of whom I know at all, does not constitute "good times." I'll get over it. And personally, I don't care if no one else gets over it. (Tell us how you really feel!) I know I will care, but I'm in the midst of holiday/birthday blues, so I'm a bit preoccupied with myself. Actually, I don't feel bad that I was so rude to everyone and insulted people; I feel bad about not feeling bad. God, what a bitch!

I wonder who I can insult tonight now that it's really my birthday.

Harumph! I ended up working late Friday, until about 9 or 9:30. Of course I went out to the Loft until 2am this morning instead of going to bed like I should. I left work with things pending, and I told everyone I'd be back at 7 or 8am; I came in at 10. Oh well. It's a good thing I came in; there were errors on the website. We "push" our main web changes Sunday night at 11:59pm to go live first thing Monday morning. For reasons I'd rather forget (though none of them my fault, of course), information that wasn't supposed to be up until Monday went live, so I had to rebuild all our pages for our Consumer segment and repromote those to go live immediately once done in QA.

Anyway, I'm still here at work; Troy's picking me up in 1/2 hr, so I'm not doing anything else for work (that's why I'm posting more than a few sentences for the first time in 3...4...weeks). I've worked 31 hours of overtime this week - woohoo! Getting a car is getting more feasible! I should do that, but I'm so tempted to get a computer finally. Or a desk. Or the responsible thing: pay off bills (I'm almost default on my student loan). But tonight, I think I shall buy a playstation or something - I'm really in the mood to play final fantasy or something. I was thinking earlier about Super Mario Brothers and how much I loved that game. I also thought of Street Fighter II; this game came out 10 years ago when I was in 8th grade. I remember thinking back in 1991 how awesome and cool that game was, and in retrospect it's somewhat antiquated.

I am really not looking forward to my birthday this month (as opposed to my birthday any other month). That reminds me: Dee Ann caught an oxymoron I was in the process of making. I was talking to her canceling our plans Thursday night to go out while typing an email to several co-workers describing the current conundrum I was thus far caught in. I read as I typed the email: "and I'm a bit overwhelmed..." trying to find the right word for exhausted without sounding melodramatic, and Dee Ann immediately pointed out my oxymoron. That's okay; I catch her on things like that too; we're both grammatically pedantic. I still have to find out why she isn't posting here.

As I was saying before my stream of conscious writing took a turn, I'm not excited about turning 23. My Grandmother's birthday would have been in 2 days, always a week before mine. So I'm kind of down about that, not to mention having to substitute a "3" for my comfortable "2."

Archive of Misheard Lyrics - Intro Page

I'm still at work...I'm going on 19 hrs now.... yawn. Corporate whore? Diligent employee/Conscientious work? I'm not really bothered by it... the work has to be done, and I would rather sacrific a Thursday night and not Friday. Beside, the money's good since I got a raise, and I do enjoy my new responsibilities. I'll describe them sometime; I'm too busy now -- back to work!

God damn... Troy and Matt - so much drama. It's like I work at a day care or something. Wo-hoo, my first weekend post in like 2 months. I need my own gosh darn PC.

I swear I will post sometime soon.... busy at work!

I should note that my diet lasted a day. I'm so lazy, grrrr. Let's get motivated, "Let's get physical, physical".

Slashdot | Jeffrey Zeldman Bites Back

Garbage Pail Kids - Yesterdayland Toys

Note to self: also include a co-worker stats sheets... purrrr... mama like! Hell, mama's in heat!

Spyonit.com

I feel so much pressure to finish all my stories that I've started, like the cute goatee guy, the work environment going to hell, bus rides, and what not. Though I don't know from whom this pressure comes from; It's not like I can tell anyone else is reading my blog. This is unrelated: I hate the way "blog" sounds ... it's such a hard 'g' and forms an unattractive sounding word...blog, blog blog! Like a cyber Dracula; instead of blah, it's blog.

But this blog is becoming more of an obligation than anything. That's just pressure from me. I have so much to type and so little time. As long as I can document some part of my thought or idea, then I can get back to it at a latter time. I think that's been successful so far.

I haven't been able to post, and I have so much to say. But I only have free access to a computer via work, and my work load has increased immensly since Ann left. I am also training someone to know how to do what I do/learned at the very last minute/guessed at, so I've had someone tagging along with me...not very convenient when I'm writing lame, sordid stories.

Straight Arrows in Gaysville, U.S.A. (washingtonpost.com)

Jeffrey Zeldman Presents: The Daily Report

Matt...Rob...

Matt...Every freakin' gay man on Earth sans me...

I don't get it.

-- Clueless and Confused in California

Okay, I can officially comment that all fuckin' hell has broken out at work...

Remember that I work at Gateway? Well the person that I report to directly, Ann Cox, was fired yesterday at 5pm, pretty strange time of day to terminate someone. Her boss's boss, Ken, scheduled a conference meeting with Ann at 5pm, and as they were walking to the conference room, Ken was cracking jokes and being jovial. Then as they reached the room, Ken insouciantly states, "Oh, by the way, today's your last day," and leaves her in the conference room where Ann is

Okay, I can officially comment that all fuckin' hell has broken out at work...

Remember that I work at

Wednesday, October 24, 2001

Gilmore Girls is yet another show I've added to my list of "must see," however, that will prove to be problematic, considering my cable box has been repossessed by the evil cohorts of Cox Cable (Josh would rather have a cocktail than pay a bill, á la Barfly).

I realize I know nothing about computers and programming and web design, and I'm working on that, but two hinderances: one, the aforementioned lack of a computadora; two, people like this! It's so admirable the extent of Meg's experience, though I'm somewhat discouraged; as many times as I hear that there is always and will always be a market for programming/web design/software engineers/etc., by the time I have completed school and obtained one miniscule of experience, people like this will have even more hedgeway. And I'm also sufferring the "am I good enough/creative enough/smart enough to compete in this type of market?" Actually, I think I am. I can't draw on iota of a graphic, I work a mean camera, and Photoshop is my friend! *By the power of Photoshop!*

No apologies: you go girl!

9NEWS.com - Newsroom has a great article; this makes me feel a bit better regarding cat conditions in San Diego.

Josh happy, good thing.

Maybe sometime I'll mention why I've cut Troy and Matt out of my life like Dr. Scholls to a bunion.

I....*Jim Carrey Emphasis* REALLY need to get a computer. Allrightythen...

I mention this, of course the obvious reason - I really need one, because I can't really design anything or practice web development from work. I lose my concentration here, and I fight all day to stay awake, let alone keep any form of focus. I try by reading websites like The American Experience; Race for the Super Bomb. The perfect reading for a perfect world *happy-yet-affected, content-yet-not-really Charlie Brown sigh*

TheSanDiegoChannel.com - Reward Offered In Cat Burning Cases. I cannot get this out of my mind. This is the most revolting thing I have ever witnessed; even more so than the WTC/Pentagon attacks. I will in no way justify, defend, argue, condem, or condone any party's actions leading up to September 11th and since, but I think cruelty on the basis of human to human contact is less malicious than cruelty on par of human to animal. With human to human, there are two parties to be held responsible. I can unequivocally state that an animal has not harmed nor perpetrated any unlawful acts against a human. I cannot imagine such calculating cruelty. And I'm trying not to imagine the severe pain these cats have been through, and I'm horrified to know it will happen again. It is demoralizing to know there are people who find the screaming cries of pain as humorous. This is how psychos and Jeffrey Dahmer's begin their ways.

Okay, today is Day 1 of the official Josh Diet® 2001. I'm more determined than ever to lose 10 pounds in 10 days. Not possible without sacrificing health? Not so, says I!

Novel Security Measures

Sunday night and all day Monday mark a dark, dark time in my life, far more dark than I thought possible considering my disfunctional history. I"ve been told I have a guardian angel protecting me, but I feel quite ungrateful for its intervention, if that's what actually happened, though the more probable agent acting to protect me is my stupidity. Maybe I'll talk about it; currently, I'm too embarrassed to admit what happened, let alone face myself after my unsuccessful actions.

I’m not focusing on my job like I said I should be. In several areas in my life, my actions are contradicting what I’m proclaiming to be my new "agenda." For instance, with my job, I claim that I am concentrating on my work performance and ethic, yet every night I’m out till closing time and coming into work late, my thoughts and attention span scattered. I have been saying that I wanted to get screened today for depression because it’s National Depression Screening Day, yet I wake up as late as possible to still make it into work at a decent time, forgoing my depression screening. I took a cab to work today that cost $40, money that I shouldn’t be spending. It’s weird though about missing the screening…lately I’ve been feeling very maniac – I’m so jubilant and optimistic about what lies ahead for my future. This is suspicious since this new outlook on life coincides with the screening, something I should do because it will help me in the long term.

I think Coldplay is the new Radiohead. I love the song "Yellow"; it evokes the same emotions that Radiohead's Tom Yorke does.
Coldplay
"Yellow"

I ran into Mr. cute goatee man last night.

[17-10-2001] He sat down next to me and asked if I was here the night before. I smirked, "Yeah I was - I was the guy you said was cute, but nelly." He denied that he said this, and I basically laughed it off. We started talking, and I found him to be, in retrospect, quite charming. As we flirted, he told me he's 38 and moved back to San Diego from Hawaii. We later exchanged phone numbers, and I walked Dennis home since the place he was staying was around the corner from mine, which in itself is a "it's a small world" story. Dennis is staying with Kerry, a man I had walked home from the Loft about a week before because he was too drunk, and I admit, I was a bit inebriated myself. I ended up staying the night at his place and ordering Domino's pizza, ill-spent money; I had one slice and the rest remained out all night and had to be tossed the next morning. Kerry and I had fooled around a bit, but nothing happened since I wasn't really interested in him, a lack of interest exacerbated by the drunken stupor he currently exhibited.

I said goodnight to Dennis and promised to call him in the days to come.

The History Place is a really cool place to go if you have any questions or any interest in History.

Yes! Finally I've figured out the problem of my archive. Woo, that sounds philisophical. Well, more like a Sarah McLachlan lyric: "I am the archive of our failure."

Uh oh…I canceled dinner with David and his friends to work overtime, and he was very nonchalant about my it, more cavalier than usual. Yesterday, I kissed him goodbye as he dropped me off at Troy’s, and he gave me a peck with no emotion involved, an anti-climatic "kiss of death." I can tell that we’re going to be losing contact again – my interest waned after our first weekend back together – but unlike last time, I won’t begin to pine for him after a few months go by. I think I needed this – randomly running into him at the diner in Mission Hills, getting the first 3 numbers of his cell phone that eluded me, hanging out again – so I could obtain some closure to the whole ordeal. Yes, I say ordeal; the man is a severe alcoholic, and although he is incredibly sexy – a lumbering 6’3” with a deep, resonating voice – I can’t deal with someone who has a cocktail at 6:30 in the morning. I really cannot be with someone I don’t respect, who’s goofy in a Gomer Pyle way, reminind me of all the dorks I dispised in high school and in boot camp. Pretty strong words, but I strongly feel that this is a bad match. I can’t deal with the prejudice his friends harbor because of my and David’s age difference (note: I hope that’s grammatically correct. I tried writing ‘David and I’s age difference,’ but a first person subject with a possessive doesn’t sound too intelligent).

I’m so excited that Dee Ann wants to write an online diary like myself!! It’s a great way to see what she’s up to without ever having to talk to her – I’m kidding! Seriously, in times when I’m too busy to call (but if I’m too busy to call, how do I have the time to make frequent posts, Josh?), I can check in with her and see what Dee Ann’s new damage is ("Heathers" reference), and vice versa. She has a Masters degree in writing and loves to write, so I’m sure she’ll have witty, life-altering things to say, heheh. We met for cocktails last night and had numerous conversations on many different, sometimes fickle, subjects like, “How big do you think that guy’s dick is?” or “I bet he’s great in bed!” There was this short, cute Italian man with a goatee that kept checking me out. I was at the Loft (and later the Calyph) with Dee Ann, and she had my semi-undivided attention, but in my periperal vision, I could monitor what cute goatee man was doing. In mid conversation with Dee Ann, I heard him say, “He’s cute, but nelly.” Well then! I’ve never professed to be the epitome of masculinity, but I’m definitely not a “man of steel, heels of helium” epicene sort of guy. But his comment didn't really bother me. I felt like, "Okay fine, I'm nelly. You don't like me, fine. Hey, my loss." But the interesting thing is that he continued to cruise me. I was like, "Okay, obviously you're confused, or maybe desperate since it's me that's the object of your desire." He was so cute! I wasn't offended; this is a sign of progress for me! I'm no longer affected by people's opinion of my masculinity! Wo-hoo. Now, if only that progress to stretch into other esteem issues in my life.

I had an epiphany of sorts this morning on my way to Troy's house so he could drop me off, however, I've temporarily forgotten this self-realization. Okay, engage "train of conscious thought" writing: come on, damn! Think, think. I've always wanted to write a novel like William S. Burroughs' "Naked Lunch." I can't think of this great thought, but if I remember, I'll jot it down. It's something tacit, though, that I feel I've already taken to heart.

I feel a manic period beginning to develop. I’m almost religiously ecstatic about going back to the gym, working out and exercising, and getting back into shape. I’m practically positive that I’ll be able to pay off my bills and hold my creditors at bay until I do. The overwhelming sense of hopelessness I have experienced these past weeks has disappeared completely, though I’m not fooled; the hopelessness lies in wait, anticipating the right moment to pounce and wreak havoc when I least expect to be attacked, exacerbating the effect of my nescience.

Ah ha! Epiphany…I figured out why September’s archive isn’t posting, though I don’t know my it doesn’t show up in my archive folder.

I feel very obsolete at work.

I feel another sinus infection coming. I don’t want another one, and I know how to prevent them – drink lots of water and my sinuses won’t dry out and become infected. I’m trying to thwart my oncoming infection, but I won’t know for a few more days. No beer for me – that exacerbates the dryness.

“I feel, I feel, I feel”… god, all this “I feel” statements. With that in mind: I feel like a caged animal rutting in its fabricated environment. Pacing back and forth, I can’t help feeling like there’s something I forgot to do, like I should be somewhere else but can’t get directions. I’m lost, but I can’t quite realize this yet, like an zoo animal knows his environment is unnatural but doesn’t know how because his doesn’t have a basis for comparison. It doesn’t help that I’m in emotional heat, meaning that I am not really “in the mood” to hook up, but I feel emotionally malleable, easily manipulated into sleeping with the first available stranger, any man who casually shows me one small drop of attention, because I long for a sense of belonging. I don’t know if belonging is the word I mean; I don’t know what I long for, but there is this omnipresent, unnamable desire I have that really haunts me. I know there’s no solace in the arms of a stranger, only the blank stare of emptiness to greet my do-eyed gaze. But having a veritable hodgepodge of hot he-man techno geeks roam up and down the aisles at work is not helping matters. *In a harlequin romance novel fashion* “He casually glancing my way, ignoring my reticent stare, his immediate heterosexual dismissal evident in his bulky departing footsteps as they echo across nearby cubicles. I wittingly hide my pining lust and subsequent disappointment, beseeching my turgid torpid truncheon of tumescence to lay low…” Hmm…..a new career, perhaps?

If you are like me and a newcomer to Law & Order, you have no idea what the hell is going on. One week you watch an episode and warm to the characters, and the next week there is an entirely different cast! This site by A&E will really help you out with character transitions and other changes the show has gone throw, offerring a timeline and biographies for the show's characters, as well as biographies for the actors who protray them.

Okay then... well. My September archive is completely gone, yet in the calendar viewer I can go to any date in September I've posted and view what I wrote. That's really fascinating, in a "I'm so freaking pissed off right now that all I can do is smile" way.

G guy sees a psychologist, requests woman.. later into sessions asks why a woman, g man states he’s g and that she shouldn’t feel threatened and that he’s more comfortable with woman, and woman is disgusted, g man asks if she has children and hopes most likely like her that the child isn’t g cause the child would be in for a harsh confrontation, battle, what not with mother.

What is wrong with me? Why can’t I allow myself to fall in love? Why am I so damn shallow about size? Do I still have walls up around me to protect me from further emotional damage. Is David the alcoholic I think he is? We were watching the news at 6:30 this morning, and he had a watery glass of sunny delight which suspiciously looked to me like a screwdriver (a screwdriver is an alcoholic drink – vodka and orange juice. One wouldn’t typically use sunny delight as an orange juice substitute, but it can still be done).

The effects pop-psychology has had on psychologists and their patients.

We’re now at war, good grief. I do feel relatively safe, but I still feel an undertone of threat while absorbed in my day-to-day activities. I am so afraid of a chemical/biological attack, however, if such a catastrophe should happen, there is nothing that I can do about it, but I feel so powerless submitting to that conclusion. I wonder, though, if I have been inoculated for Anthrax while I was in boot camp…?

I’m developing a love for typography and graphic design and photography. I’m looking into different options I have pursuing these areas of interest. I’ve known I’ve been interested in graphic design and web development for some time, so that isn’t what really distresses me. What does is the fact that I decide to change my “major” every few weeks, and each time with the same vigor and enthusiasm and planning as it’s predecessor, only have the flame of motivation flicker, then suffocate under the inspiration of a new interest. I know computers is the area I will be pursuing. I should really plan on

Great, more shows I really need to start watching: I watched The Sopranos and Leap Years for the first time last night. I wasn’t too impressed with the Sopranos, but Leap Years was amazing, although a bit choppy. I admit I have been awestruck with the “idea” of such a show as Leap Years, but to see it actually come off and make sense – truly inspiring. Leap Years is written by the same creative team as Queer as Folk, and has very well-developed characters and plot lines. Leap Years takes place over 3 specific years spanning 15 years: 1993, 2001, and 2008, and last night, the stories from each year correlated to the other two.

One of my favorite movies, City of Angels was on last night. I was so sleepy though, and coupled with the need to wake up early for work, I couldn’t watch to the end. I guess that’s okay, because every commercial and movie with a love story made me weepy, and the few scenes I did see of City of Angels last night was making me emotionally unstable.

Did I mention Troy’s sobriety lasted less than 48 hrs?

I went to Silver Strand State Beach in Coronado with Troy and Matt – what a joygasm. Beside financial the entire “picnic,” the pinnacle of the day involved birds. I felt like Tippy Hedren in The Birds. I threw a conniption fit and destroyed all the chips I’d bought after repeated requests for Matt and Troy to stop feeding the birds failed. They were throwing food purposely up above where I was trying to nap. I do not like the idea of contracting Meningitis.

Alternate names for magazines:

Vogue:Vague
Cosmopolitan:Provincial
Entertainment Weekly: Weekly Disappointment
Time: [00:00 mm:ss]
Self: Ish
Discover: Cover Up

More to come, I'm sure.

Spinsanity had an article talking about Slavery restitution - I was talking about this a week or so ago.

In Patriotic Time, Dissent Is Muted...interesting.

Pedantic is a great word to describe me. This is scary for two reasons: one is that there is actually a word that describes me, and two is that pedantic is not a flattering term to call oneself, yet I'm excited that I've learned a new word.

I haven’t felt this “needy” and anxious in a long time. Every time I see a sexy guy going by, I feel this overwhelming sense of attraction and desire and need to be with the guy. I haven’t felt this way since September/October 1999 when I went quasi-crazy. Just hold out til next Thursday.

On another note, in some down time I’ve been checking out Amazon dot com and updated my wish list. I discovered this network of book and movie reviewers that piqued my interest in writing. I have several books at home that I’ve read and would like to comment on. The same can be said for several movies – one in particular screams out at me: Urban Legend. God, what an awful movie.

A note for me: Gramatically speaking, what is the difference between using “which” and “that” to join a dependent clause. This site provides answers to typical and some rather complex English and grammar questions.

William Blake (1757-1827) wrote one of my favorite poems:

Tiger, tiger, burning bright,
In the forest of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

In what distant deeps or skies
Burnt the fire of thine eyes?
On what wings dare he aspire?
What the hand dare seize the fire?

And what shoulder, and what art,
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
When thy heart began to beat,
What dread hand forged thy dread feet?

What the hammer? What the chain?
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? What dread grasp
Dared its deadly terrors clasp?

When the stars threw down their spears
And watered heaven with their tears,
Did He smile his work to see?
Did He who made the lamb make thee?

Tiger, tiger, burning bright,
In the forest of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?

Information on William Blake can be found here and here.

I watched The West Wing on Wednesday night, and the President’s wife explained how Arab and Israeli hatred first developed. She explained that Sarah, the wife of Abraham, was promised a child by God. As time passed and Sarah grew older, she feared that God wouldn’t keep his promise and urged Abraham to sleep with a servant (slave) girl. The girl became pregnant and later gave birth to Ishmael. But God, not forgetting his promise to Sarah, gave Abraham and Sarah their son Isaac. Upon his birth, Sarah urged Abraham to exile the servant girl and his son Ishmael. This is the root of all the conflict between Arabs and Jews. Bartlett’s wife, however, pointed out that both sons came together to bury their father Abraham when he died.

Who knows how true this is; I've always said that there is some truth to ever myth and rumor.

This history and perspective article at rebecca's pocket:

"By highlighting articles that may easily be passed over by the typical web user too busy to do more than scan corporate news sites, by searching out articles from lesser-known sources, and by providing additional facts, alternative views, and thoughtful commentary, weblog editors participate in the dissemination and interpretation of the news that is fed to us every day. Their sarcasm and fearless commentary reminds us to question the vested interests of our sources of information and the expertise of individual reporters as they file news stories about subjects they may not fully understand."

I've also been exploring MetaFiler, a wonderful place to read obscure news articles and opinions.

Last night at the Loft, Joe Ramirez, owner of Martini's, was voguing to - no surprise - "Vogue" and I laughed, saything something like Joe is the epitome of vogue. Joe denied this, offerring instead that he was just vague.

I tried a few weeks back to find information on UC Berkeley's Computer Science program and experienced server problems; the site wouldn't come up. A few days ago I remembered my interest and tried again to visit UC Berkeley's homepage and I still can't get through...I wonder what's wrong.

Trying to find information on the history of the Dalai Lama, I found this website, but for a more objective source, I suggest visiting Encarta Encyclopedia.

I was looking up synonyms for the word "ultimate" and found several, including desinence.

I'm not in any mood to talk about anything else.

Okay, I guess Greyhound is no longer my official mode of transportation after this article.

Okay I'm seriously frustrated:

1. I have no work to do, nor did I yesterday, so I'm bored to death. I've acquiesced to the boredom and began working on this blog, and nothing is working out like I want it to, namely:
2. I updated a September 11th, 2001, post and it won't show up with the new format
3. Archives for October are not showing up
4. The thrill is gone with blogging for the day

Okay, I've taken a look around other blogger sites, and they don't seem to have an October archive yet. This still doesn't allieviate any frustration whatsoever! (Okay, Josh, calm down, breathe...) [3:55pm 2-10-2001]

The chronology of “mass” psychosis.

A famous comedienne named Thea once said, “They say there’s a skinny person in all of us, but I knew that; I ate that bitch.”

Jennifer Saunders’ Edina Monsoon stated, “There’s a skinny person inside of me dying to get out,” and her mother replied, “Just the one, dear?”

Something I always say: “Hi, you might remember me from the ubiquitous ‘Fat Freaks Four,’ … call me now at 1-800-ROTUND-1”

Why am I sharing this?!! Since 4th grade I've had problems with my weight. Before that, I was very Kate Moss-esque. I have a picture of me posing for the camera with a dog on the leash in a He-Man shirt and periwinkle corduroy pants (I was a very sassy 6 year old!). But when I moved into my Grandmother's when I was nine, I put on the pounds; I weighed 103lbs as a 10 year old 5th grader. Anyway, in 10th grade I joined Jr. ROTC and got "in shape." I've never really understood that term - I'm in shape damn it! A circle and a pear are both shapes! I even joined the wrestling team (not as erotic as I thought it would be). But I went to work at KFC (where they do chicken wrong) and slowly put the poundage back. I got to 210# by my freshman year at UC Riverside. When I moved to Riverside from San Diego, I transferred to a local KFC.

Ironically, it was the result of working at KFC that I lost weight. During Winter Break, I stayed at a friend’s house while I worked at KFC saving up for my Colorado trip. I didn’t spend any money on food or anything; I ate skinless chicken and a few biscuits here and there. When I returned to school a few weeks later, everyone was shocked at how much weight I had lost, weight lost due to a broken heart so I thought. It was actually due to eating only chicken; the Atkin’s Diet suggests a 60g carbohydrate-a-day diet, and chicken has very few grams of carbohydrates if any at all. When school resumed, I began working out at the gym almost every day, cycling and lifting a few weights, slimming down to about 185 lbs. by the time I enlisted in the navy. And after two months of boot camp, I weighed 179 pounds. Although I lost only 5 pounds, I actually lost a lot of fat pounds and gained a lot of muscle pounds – muscle weighs more than fat. I had a 30 inch waist, 48 inch chest and weighed 180#; I was in the best shape in my life.

I was only in the Navy for 7 months, and when I got out in December 1997, I proceeded to gain an unprecedented 40 pounds in 4 months that I now know was due to depression. I didn’t realize that I weighed as much as I did; I see the few pictures taken from that time in my life and I shudder and how unhealthy I look. I moved back to San Diego in April 1999 with the determination to lose weight. I began alternating a work-out regimen and the local YMCA with a modified version of the Atkin’s Diet, “slimming” down to 205#. In September/October I sort of went psychotic. I stopped working out and dieting, slowly packing on the pounds again. I quit showing up to work without notice, and I felt so guilty about work that I planned to leave town with the $200 I had in the bank, thinking I could make it in Los Angeles without knowing anyone or having any resources available. It was really an awful point in my life, the result a culmination of the past two tumultuous years. I went to County Mental Health to speak with an unsympathetic soul and was given a week’s prescription of Prozac® and brushed under the rug. The medication didn’t really help. For a month I struggled until the thrill of the drama in my life wore off, I guess. I turned 21 about 2 months after leaving my job, so I suppose that “accomplishment” was the foundation for even more discord.

Newly admitted as a student of the “bar scene, I learned how benevolently bare gay men’s gossamer gregariousness is. I saw the need to meet physical Gay Expectations, something that made me really sick but was catalyst to do something about my weight. Not only to please other people, but because it was something that was going to make me happy about myself. I committed to the Atkin’s Diet for the entire month of January 2000 and lost 25 pounds to weigh-in at 200#, and was really happy for the first time in quite awhile. I finally felt good enough to go back to the gym and start working out, so that February I joined 24hr Fitness.

I was really happy for the first time in quite awhile, that is, until I met Devon. For once, I was apart of a group of – what I thought at the time – funny guys who knew how to have a good time (read: alcoholics). I was included in things they did – invited to come over and watch movies, called and asked what I was up to – stuff like that. We even had a gold-digger joke, “What’s your credit. No honey, what’s your available credit.” I find that funny cause it’s attitude is completely the antithesis of who I am. Anyway, that joke backfired, and for the longest time, people at the Loft and Calyph thought I was a gold digger. Sometime later while Devon and I were still friends, I complained to him, “Everyone thinks I’m a gold-digger. How can that be? I’m so damn poor and haven’t had a boyfriend in almost 5 years,” and Devon chuckled, “Oh poodle, that just means you’re a bad gold-digger.” (Quick note: I think it’s funny and rather apropos that the spellchecker suggests “Demon” in substitution of “Devon”).

With my new-found friendship, I frequented the gym less and less until I stopped going altogether. And with Devon’s penchant for unctuous delicacies, again I began gaining weight. At this time, my income was drastically cut; I had been temping full time for $14 an hour and working at International Male part time to supplement my bar tab until I got the bright idea to quit the higher-paying job and work at the crappy one full time and go back to school since the crappy job accommodated my hours to work around a school schedule. Because of the drastic cut in pay, my lifestyle was affected. Penultimately, I wasn’t able to afford to go back to school, the final effect being Devon et. al. quit hanging around and inviting me with them. It’s like running a race at one’s fastest and everything is going smoothly, all systems go, then *que Batman sound effects* BAM, head smack first into a lumbering tree. But because of both our association with the Gay Men’s Chorus and the frequency I had to see Devon, it was like being forced to bash my head into that tree repeatedly (as directed). After a lot of analysis, I’m finally realizing some things regarding my friendship with Devon that is helping me “get over it.”

Because of the drastic reduction in income, my membership to the gym lapsed, however, I managed to oscillate between 190 and 200 pounds until recently. In the last 6 weeks, I’ve gained about 15 pounds, and found that I can’t control my urge to eat. In the last week I’ve mellowed down because I’m now aware of this problem, but it’s really difficult because of the pressures I’m currently enduring: a new job location, bills...bills...bills, a quasi-relationship (that I have yet to discuss), etc. My weight gain is also attributed to depression; one symptom of depression is sudden gains or loses in weight. Like I said before, I’m going to get screened for maniac depressive behavior.

I found the list of Banned Books, and here are the ones I've read:

Scary Stories (Series) by Alvin Schwartz
The Chocolate War by Robert Cormier
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain
Harry Potter (Series) by J.K. Rowling (I read the first one)
A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L’Engle
Go Ask Alice by Anonymous
We All Fall Down by Robert Cormier
To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
Beloved by Toni Morrison
The Pigman by Paul Zindel
A Light in the Attic by Shel Silverstein
Brave New World by Aldous Huxley
Cujo by Stephen King
American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis
Fade by Robert Cormier
Lord of the Flies by William Golding
Bless Me, Ultima by Rudolfo A. Anaya
Carrie by Stephen King
The Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain
How to Eat Fried Worms by Thomas Rockwell

What ignorant people. I find it funny; most of the books on the list are all reading requirements in school that I either had to read or another class had to read. There are several books on the list I find surprising, like How to Eat Fried Worms. I read that in like 1st or 2nd grade.

Several things I’m thinking:

Matt and Troy… stupid Troy.

David and a relationship.

Current Events, Hitler, and Anti-Islamic/Arab sentiment

Okay, I’m a little upset with work. Gateway’s headquarters originally located to La Jolla in 1998. I had no problem commuting there by bus, and in fact, enjoyed the kooky antics that would go on while riding public transportation. However, Gateway moved to Poway, with is an old American Indian word for “Big Pile of Shit.” Gateway is located in the 14000 block of Danielson Street or Place (I’m getting conflicting information), and will be soon re- christened “Gateway Place.” Supposedly a bus runs to the 13800 block of Danielson St. or Pl., but I haven’t found it. And to avoid becoming lost in mid-day 90+ degree heat, I had Troy give me a ride to work. I knew he wouldn’t object much since I loaned him money to fix his power-steering fluid-guzzling car. Anyway, nothing works here, which is expected, but I’m still upset. It’s a 50 mile round-trip to work from home, and I don’t have a car, and there is no bus that I can find – I’m not about to go on a peyote induced-like adventure into the wilds of Poway to find a damn bus. I’m really frustrated; when I committed to this assignment from Adecco, I was not informed that Gateway was moving to Poway. And I really love this job. Gateway is such a positive work environment and is committed to giving the best customer service through technology solutions (as I learned at lunch today). I’m excited about all the opportunities in web design and development, plus I report to the most awesome bus one ‘lil gay boy can report to, so I really don’t want to give up on working at Gateway. Troy is leery about driving me back and forth to work due to his car’s fickleness – I don’t blame him. Hopefully, I can convince him to drive me until I get a car. I went online searching through classifieds in hopes of finding an economical (read: under $1,000) mode of transportation. The prospects are good, once I have the money – hahahah! Right.

About the new work digs: I’m a bit jaded about the new work environment. We have fancy art-nouveau desk arrangements that are really nice, but we are now located in a colossal warehouse. Our desks are a coagulated social consortium arranged in a New York Stock Exchange fashion, complete with a small number of Executive offices on the second floor overlooking the massive first-floor layout. As unrational as it may sound, I am so damn paranoid, socially claustrophobic, with everyone being able to see what I’m doing and what I’m wearing (one concern especially about my Jeffrey Dahmer glasses. I have borrowed a pair of pink-tinted, 70s-era Elton John glasses that closely fit my prescription. They are so damn ugly, I’m horrified, but I have no choice since I’m so irresponsible and lazy about getting my own glasses/contacts. So most of the time, I wander this huge complex blind because of my vanity). At our old location in La Jolla, we had 3 floors full of clichéd cubicles with 80s-esque designs and patterns on them – really fashionable. I was in the far corner on the second floor farthest away from the entrance, and when I sat down, I could hide away in my own private world without anyone knowing I was even there. It was kinda-sorta very (oxymoron alert) reminiscent of Office Space.

[2-10-2001] I feel like an ant in a colony; the warehouse is so damn colossal.

Disgusting Topic Alert!
(Don’t read if you value good etiquette and taste and have a weak stomach)

On another note – I think I’m going to rant about men and how disgusting they can be in the bathroom. Our new facility has only been operational since 3pm last Friday (with weekend access only available to the IT department to set-up work stations), and already I’ve found a “mucus dropping” (read: booger) in the restroom. Okay – this does not make sense to me. First, let me go into my own history of this nasty phenomenon.

I first noticed this happening in the galley restrooms in Navy boot camp in 1997. I would be in the process of getting some toilet paper when I look up and notice all these “streaks” Men are disgusting. Why do they wipe their mucus on bathroom walls when there is all that tissue paper and paper towels available.

[to be finished later, I'm sure to everyone's joygasmic pleasure]

I saw a complete episode of "The West Wing" for the first time ever. I suppose I was subconsciously avoiding this show cause I knew if I watched it I would be hooked, and...surprise! Now I have to add it to my list of must-forget-my-life TV:

Sex and the City
Six Feet Under
CSI: Crime Scene Investigation
The Real World
Law and Order
E! True Hollywood Stories
E! Celebrity Profile
Will and Grace
Anything on Discovery/History/Learning Channel
Newly Added:The West Wing

Don't get me wrong; I don't watch these shows all day all the time, but they are shows I do try to follow.

I'm tired of not having a computer. Not only because I can't take the online training courses I want to take, but I can only update my blog from work (so excuse the haphazard entries and presentation). I can only post and update in between working, so when I have a brilliant idea, I have to write as much as possible until I'm interrupted by work. That's why there are some posts that read "[to be finished later]." It's quite aggravating. Like right now! I have to get back to work.

Okay, just so it's been said I'm not a totally heartless, unpatriotic bitch: every time I hear Whitney Houston's "Star Stangled Banner," I can't help but get choked up at the very end when she sings "land of the free, and the home of the brave" and the Super Bowl XXV crowd goes ecstatic.

I have a problem with Lee Greenwood's "God Bless the USA." Not because it mentions God, but because when I was in Navy boot camp, our Recruit Division Commanders (RDC) played this song at least once a day, sometimes more...definately more on weekends. I can't help but think of mind control and brainwashing. So I have difficulting not rolling my eyes during this song.

To continue on yesterday's theme...

This article - "America's War on Terror: For Muslims Who Love or Hate bin Laden, One Demand - Show Us The Proof" - discusses how Muslims, even those who dispise bin Laden, would like to see proof that bin Laden is in fact responsible for the WTC/Pentagon disasters:

"Pakistanis may admire America, Sayedain said, but few carry that to blind faith. In the past, he explained, people have seen from Washington too many half-truths, damaging blunders and cynical policy shifts."

I completely agree because there are people saying other parties than the Taliban are responsible. Many Muslims, also hurt by the recent terrorist attacks, are eager to blame someone, and who easier to blame old enemies:

"'Israel did it,' said Mohammed Wali, 21, with thick black hair and a piercing gaze. 'Just before the attack, 4,000 Jews secretly left the World Trade Center. I know this. The source was American intelligence.'"

This article - ”America's War on Terror: Definition of Victory in New War Elusive" - has an official war been declared? I don't recall Congress approving a Presidential declaration of war, especially a declaration of war against a specific group/country. Don't we have to specify who we declare war on? Are we doing another Vietnam/Diem Bien Phu?

And here's an unlinkable article that comes to no surprise to me:

Rights concerns fade in hunt for allies

KNIGHT-RIDDER NEWS SERVICE
September 26, 2001


WASHINGTON -- In his search for allies in a new war on terrorism, President Bush -- at least for now -- has pushed long-standing U.S. concerns about human rights and democracy to the background.

Bush has suddenly reached out to -- and in some cases is relying on -- countries and groups that had previously been held at arm's length because of concerns about gross human-rights violations.

They include Central Asian countries such as Uzbekistan that are virtual one-man dictatorships; longtime U.S. adversaries such as Iran, Syria and Sudan that are themselves on the State Department's list of terrorist-sponsoring nations; and the armed opposition to Afghanistan's Taliban rulers, some of whom are accused by U.S. officials of everything from kidnapping to rape, torture and political killings.

Bush administration officials acknowledge that the politics of coalition-building makes for some unseemly bedfellows. But, they say, such concerns must take a back seat to the overriding need to find those responsible for killing nearly 7,000 Americans on Sept. 11 and to prevent terrorist attacks.

"The current situation definitely seems to bolster pragmatism," said one White House official, speaking on condition of anonymity.

"I don't think it (human rights) is in any way off the radar screen," said a senior State Department official, who likewise spoke on the condition that his name not be used. But, he said, concerns over U.S. partners' human-rights records should not be a bar to bringing those responsible for the attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon to justice.

Others, including human-rights advocates and some members of Congress, say they worry about making the fight against terrorism the new organizing principle of U.S. foreign policy.

The long-term consequences of the new alliances appear to have been given little thought in Bush and Secretary of State Colin Powell's coalition-building, they say.

For a precedent, the critics say, Bush and Powell need look no further than Afghanistan itself. There, to fight the Soviet Union, the United States supplied arms to the same Islamic fighters who are now attacking U.S. interests worldwide.

Elsewhere around the world during the Cold War, Washington allied itself with corrupt dictators from Africa to Latin America as long as they agreed to be bulwarks against communism.

"We're very concerned that the 'anything goes' attitude toward human rights, when it came to building a Cold War alliance, may be resumed now in the fight against terrorism," said Kenneth Roth, director of New York-based Human Rights Watch, an independent organization that investigates human-rights violations. "If that is the result, the terrorists will have won a major victory."

In a letter sent to Powell on Monday, Roth and Human Rights Watch chairman Jonathan Fanton urged him not to let U.S. coalition partners use the anti-terrorism banner as an excuse to crack down on their internal opponents.

In many countries, they wrote, "there already is a sense that the United States may condone actions committed in the name of fighting terrorism that it would have condemned just a short time ago."

Potentially most controversial is Bush's tentative outreach to Iran and Syria, both of whom sponsor terrorists who oppose Israel.

The White House has few illusions that either one will stop promoting terror, but hopes they will provide intelligence on the Sept. 11 attacks and tell groups they control to cease terrorist operations for now, according to diplomatic sources.

In Uzbekistan, President Islam Karimov runs "an authoritarian state with limited civil rights," according to the State Department's latest annual human-rights report. In his bid to root out the extremist Islamic Movement of Uzbekistan, Karimov has cracked down viciously on mosques not approved by his government.

Uzbekistan is fast becoming a major staging ground for potential U.S. strikes into neighboring Afghanistan.

"Getting into bed with dictators is a bad strategy, generally, unless it's a quickie," said Martha Brill Olcott, a Central Asia specialist at the Carnegie Endowment for International Peace.

A crackdown in Uzbekistan could breed more Islamic extremism and even terrorism, Olcott said. "Corrupt regimes breed this kind of opposition," she said.

In their fight against terrorism, she said, it's not clear that Bush and his aides are "sensitive to the tension between their short-term and long-term goals."

Bush asked Congress for blanket authority to waive for up to five years sanctions that bar military assistance to countries whose human rights or weapons proliferation practices raise U.S. concerns. Congress balked, and the White House agreed to a one-year waiver on a case-by-case basis. It will be used for Pakistan and India, State Department officials said.

Copyright 2001 Union-Tribune Publishing Co.

Yeah, since when has this been our standard of diplomacy and Foreign Policy?

As much as I would like to believe otherwise, if we go to war, it may be under the guises of fighting terrorism, but it definately isn't for humanity or freedom or any of those virtues. It's about retaliation, that's all. Millions of Afghanistans have been subjected to the cruel Taliban regime for the last 5 years; where women receive no medical attention because practically all doctors are male and the men aren't allowed to see the women; where woman are murdered on almost a daily basis in public arenas and former soccer stadiums; where families are starving and suffering because U.N. relief such as food and medical is being confiscated by the Taliban. What have we done for the last 5 years. Yeah, we're doing this for the good of humanity. It's called ego. I'm sorry, but I would like to believe otherwise. Look at Iraq. The sanctions imposed 10 years ago on Iraq are still in place, sanctions that are not hurting Saddam or his henchmen as is intended; the U.N. estimates that thousands of children die each week due to starvation and medical neglect, the causation these sanctions. I'm surprised countries like Pakistan and Saudia Arabia are rallying, probably regretfully, to US aid. Probably for fear of retaliation by us American bullies. The media is saying that bin Laden received a major blow with the announcement of Saudia Arabia, the birthplace of Islam, supporting American efforts against bin Laden. What bombast propaganda. "Pundits" analyzing why these countries are coming to our aid say that it's due to the threat of bin Laden against each countries' own regime. *breath breath breath* I would feel better about all this and whole-heartedly support this operation is agendas were not being misconstrued into a fight for humanity and against oppression. Yeah, in Afghanistan's case, 5 years too late.

I so want to move to San Francisco. Sigh...hell, I'd settle for San Leandro, heheh. (I'm kidding - I wouldn't settle for it...kidding again.)

On a more academic note, I've been reading several sources on the history of Israel, Palestine, and Islam. Time published this article that only touches on the roots of rage Islamic extemists hold. For the last several years I have been reading information on Middle Eastern countries, though I don't know the reason why. I'm really fascinated by their religion, culture, people, economic conditions, et cetera. We never really studied these countries in high school, so I thought I should take it upon myself to read up on Islam and Arab countries to satisfy personal curiosity.

A lot of Arab hatred toward the US is due to our support of Israel. I'm researching why we support Israel more than Palestine, not to say that we should or shouldn't. There probably is some doctrine out there like the Marshall Plan or something that sets American Foreign Policy on Israel/Palestinian relations, but I can't seem to find this document. Is our ardent support of Israel because of the WWII/Holocaust-pacifism guilt? I really don't know. A lot of Arab/Israeli conflict is due to Israeli control of Jerusalem. According to Islam, this city is the third holiest after Mecca and Medina. On the other hand, the Jewish faith believes that this land is promised to them through Abraham's Covenant with God. Which faith justifies ownership of Jerusalem, or the area of Israel and Palestine for that matter? Israeli/Arab conflicts date back many centuries prior to mythological Romulus and Remus' establishment of ancient Rome. Both peoples have suffered indignities, injustices and unprecedented violence at the hands of each other as well as from outside parties, e.g. the Crusades of the 11th-13th Centuries. A personal question I have concerning the Jewish faith and Torah: why isn't Jesus recognized by their faith as the Messiah? I'm curious about why; I do not support any established religion, and I would never say one faith is superior to another, so it's not like I want to convert Jewish people or point out the fallacies of Christianity.

 Sort of related in a very small way: I've noticed there hasn't been much talk of restitution for African-American slavery in the US (I say there is a small correlation because of both people's enslavement in the past). Restitution of Holocaust survivors is just because these people are still alive and should be reimburse for the pain and suffering, if not for their forced labor. But in the case of Black slavery, I think it's safe to say no former slave is still alive, and many generations separate the progeny of slaves, further reducing any reparations rights. I watched The O'Reilly Factor on September 4th, 2001, and listened as Bill and Juan Williams discussing reparations for slavery, and Williams was against it, stating that it was an offensive suggestion. Am I being insensitive to the past injustices of Black Americans? Not at all. I'm not discounting [to be finished later]

I've realized I have a propensity toward tragic people. When I say tragic, I don't mean of Greek antiquity proportions, but...remember the movie "Barfly" with Mickey Rourke and Faye Dunaway? Hmmm. Lately, it seems like I only "hook up" with the "scummiest" persons in the bar, and of course nothing ever ends up happening anyway since their psychosis' make me impotent in every way except the one I WISH it WOULD make me impotent (read: physically). Maybe I really am attracted to greasy, alcoholic nut cases? Maybe everyone IS a greasy, alcoholic nut case? Maybe it's a Freud thing; I'm trying to emulate the relationships my mom had when I was growing up. Oh yeah, like I have time to run off to the emergency room after a severe beating. All sarcasm aside, it's beginning to disturb me, however, these experiences do make great conversational pieces. Maybe some time I'll relate some of them here; I'm not really inspired to at the moment.

 Completely unrelated: I don't know why I let Devon get me so upset. He's just a queeny, artificial, pretentious tank of a man that has to create scandel and play of people's insecurities for his own entertainment. Last night: Billy, Troy, George and I were at the Calyph hanging out having a great time listening to Don'L sing. I had been in the mood to hear him sing all night, so I was really happy to be there. Billy and George were outside on the patio smoking, and I was sitting with them (I don't smoke, bleech!) talking and laughing when I heard this cute guy - Troy and I had been having licentious thoughts about him - ask Devon about me. ME?!!! *blush* Anyway, I heard Devon slur, "Oh him? Don't bother talking to him unless you're a daddy or have money." Oi Vey! This coming from the guy who told me Don (not the singer, someone else) was into some really nasty sexual stuff (I'm not even going to say). I'm really glad I didn't listen to Devon, or else I wouldn't have gotten to know someone as talented, sincere, and generous as Don. The lesson, one I'm already well aware of, is never believe most of the talk from a bar, and that there is always two sides to every story. But what makes me even more mad that what Devon did is the fact that I'm letting it bother me. It's such a miniscule, backdrop, background storyline in my life, but I guess the most vocal. Affirmation: Don't let Devon get to me. Okay, check!

I tried so hard to like Mariah Carey's movie "Glitter." It really wasn't THAT bad, but it was so....shudder....baseless. Well, wrong choice of word - it's loosely based on herself. It was just stupid. How's that. The movie was choppy and basically consisted of camera shots and angles to make Mariah look cutesy pootsey. Completely predictable until the very end! I was so shocked, and I actually got a bit teary (Of course this coming from the guy that cries at the opening of an envelope). And that "The Color Purple"-esque ending where Mariah drives to Maryland from New York City in a limo wearing a $40,000 "Vera Wang"-like diva-dress to meet her estranged mother. I was like, "nothing but God can keep us apart." It was actually hilarious in it's inanity. There is a scene where her lover says to her, "so you think because you can shake your ass and hit a few high notes that you're gonna be some big collosal success," and I screamed out in the theatre, "Yes, yes!" There were a couple times where she hardly wore anything, mainly when her fictious music label is filming her video to her first single. I was like, "put some cloths on, gurhl." But whether intentionally or unintentionally, she/the writers were making a good point about how sex sells in videos and music regardless of how uncomfortable it makes the artist feel. I took Troy to the movie and he really loved it. I feel so guilty for not liking it, but it's such an unintelligent movie. I can unequivocally say that Mariah, despite her mediocre acting, is a far better actor than Madonna will ever be, though that's not saying much. Poor Mariah.

I probably seem like such a freak for all these Mariah comments. "Josh, get a life!" So be it. My obsession with Mariah started in 7th grade, and though my interest in her has waned a bit over the years (though it may not seem like it), I still love her. If there was a catagory in high school for "most likely to be arrested for stalking a celebrity," I more than likely would have won. It's my not-so-secret shame. I told everyone that for my high school reunion, I would come with a life-size, cut-out poster of Mariah as my date (freak!). So be it if people think I lack taste in music or support uninspired work. I know anyone can have a number one song, though not many can have 15 number ones in a 11-year span, or sell 150 million albums world wide in the same timespan, heheh. There are fans of the movie "Showgirls." I think what I'm saying is that I acknowledge that she isn't well received, but it doesn't matter to me. Mariah is very talented; have you heard her sing the Star Spangled Banner? I saw her sing it at the NBA playoffs in 1990. You like Whitney's version? I do, but Mariah wins, hands down. Before her artistic license went haywire, she was writing and singing beautiful songs, using her instrument powerfully and effectively, granted one has to like weepy, sappy love songs and not mind that every other word out of her mouth is "baby." I like Mariah now because she is sassy and doesn't care what so-called pundits think. I find that inspirational.

Another unrelated subject: my biological father will be 44 on Thursday. I haven't seen or spoken to him since 1994 when I left my mom's and went into foster care. My brother Jon turned 12 on the 16th of this month. I haven't seen him since he was 3. It's really sad to have 7 half-brothers and 2 half-sisters and to have never grown up with any of them, even though this sibling solitude left me with a vivid, overactive imagination to entertain myself with. I have no idea their likes or interests or anything. And what's really sad is that this knowledge doesn't affect me anymore. It probably does, but I've buried it deep down, supressing any emotion when it comes to family. Family isn't really a tugging heart string for me; I've made my own family from the friends I have now. My youngest brother is 20 years younger than me - my mom was 17 when she had me, and 38 when Alex was born. I visited her in the hospital and the nurses asked if I was the father. After initial revulsion, I chuckled spastically while thinking that this sounded like the made-for-TV trailer-trash version of "Oedipus Rex." But it feels really weird to say my dad is 44 and my mom is 40. Hell, it's hard enough to know that Madonna's 43!! When did the eternal material child grow up? It's even weirder to say that I have 4-year-old-child memories of my mom when she was 21 because I'm 22 now! I've surpased my genetic fertility and am older than both my parents were when I was born. My mom asks when I'll make her a grandmother; "Mom, you've had my share of children, I'm not having any." Age...I remember being at UCR and going shopping with Lexi. She was carrying a purse and grocery shopping like an adult. We were 18, and it felt very surreal to see her, someone I have always envisioned as a child-teenager, shopping in an adult manner. One day we're eating pizzas and gossiping in the cafeteria, and the next we're grocery shopping and paying taxes and, in my case, enlisting in the Navy. I don't think it's right to expect 18 year olds to assume so much responsibility only because they reached that age.

I've also noticed I'm slipping more into depression. I don't want to really go into it, but here's an article from Ann Landers I saw in yesterday's San Diego Union-Tribune: 

For manic-depressives, feeling good can be a really bad thing

September 24, 2001


DEAR ANN LANDERS: I have been coping with manic-depression for 14 years. Most people understand how harmful depression can be, but it's difficult for some to believe that feeling good -- actually ecstatic -- could be bad for you. If you have manic-depression, however, this euphoric state can have serious consequences.

Manic-depression sets off a roller coaster of mood swings, alternating between the paralyzing lows of depression and the erratic peaks of mania. Manic episodes are often mistaken for drug-induced highs. The distinguishing feature is the feeling of "specialness." This can include a sense of power, an irrepressible outpouring of generosity, bursts of creativity and boundless energy.

These feelings can produce hyperactive and risky behavior, rapid and chaotic thinking and speech, bouts of insomnia, excessive eating, drinking and athletic activity, money-squandering and sometimes religious hallucinations. All this activity took its toll on me. I had to deal with damaged relationships as well as bank accounts. These manic episodes culminated in intense depression and suicide attempts.

There are treatments that can control manic-depression and help people cope. Please tell your readers that the free screenings on National Depression Screening Day can help those who suffer from manic-depression, as well as other forms of depression.
-- Monica in Boston


DEAR MONICA: Manic-depression affects almost 2.5 million American adults every year. Depression and manic-depression often have their onset between 25 and 44 years of age.

Symptoms of depression include persistent sad, anxious or empty moods; feelings of hopelessness, guilt, worthlessness or helplessness; a loss of interest or pleasure in ordinary activities; decreased energy or a feeling of fatigue; difficulty concentrating or making decisions; restlessness or irritability; inability to sleep or oversleeping; changes in appetite or weight; unexplained aches and pains; and thoughts of death or suicide.

Symptoms of mania include extreme irritability; excessive "high" or euphoric feelings; increased energy, activity, sexual drive and restlessness; racing thoughts and rapid speech; a decreased need for sleep; unrealistic beliefs in one's abilities or powers; abuse of drugs or alcohol; reckless behavior and hallucinations.

Those who suffer from manic-depression may go on shopping sprees and max out their credit cards, or gamble away their life savings. They may think they can read other people's minds. They don't finish projects because they have already moved on to something else. They might have sex with people they don't know or take a trip without making any plans.

Approximately 2,000 local hospitals, mental health centers and other locations will offer free, anonymous screenings for depression and manic-depression on National Depression Screening Day on Oct. 11. Starting today, you can call (800) 437-1200 (TDD for the hearing impaired: 800-697-3800) or go online at www.mentalhealthscreening.org to find a screening site in your area. Anyone who appears to have symptoms of depression will be directed to a treatment facility.

If you see yourself in today's column, please follow through. It could make a huge difference in your life. If you have a friend or loved one who you believe may be depressed, do whatever is in your power to get that person to a screening site.

© Creators Syndicate
Copyright 2001 Union-Tribune Publishing Co.

I hope this helps someone. I'm definately going to get screened on October 11th.