It's the last day of the year. I wasn't going to post, but I started listen to music as I was going to get ready to go out for tonight, and Coldplay's "Clocks" came on. I would say that this song is the saddest song I have ever heard, but every time I heard a new song from them, it beats the previous "saddest-song-ever" titleholder.

I don't wanna get philosophical about the end of 2002 and the beginning of the New Year, but I kinda can't help it. I wanna say, "2003, the start of greater, newer endeavors," but one particular day should not be the commencement for all this. I should take initiative and do these things now. I've sorta done that with working out and making attempts at cleaning my room the past couple of weeks, but being broke the last 2 weeks complicated matters. I'm not going to make any promises to myself I know I won't keep, but I'm feeling optimistic; I'll see good results with my school work and, quite possibily, my love life. Of course, all of this revolves around losing 40 pounds and beginning to tone my body back to what I had prior to last August 2001, which I know I'll be able to do. That is, if I survive tonight. I have a funny feeling about tonight.

I hate being broke!! This has got to stop.

I am casually looking around for a second job, but there are several classes I'm planning on taking for the spring semester. Actually, this period reminds me of the Winter break back in 96-97 when I was on break from UCR working at KFC and took my Greyhound trip to Colorado. I was so broke and bored and lonely during that time. I'm not that desperate now, but I'm really bored. I hate being broke.

Was invited by Troy to go to Pecs but didn't want to go out...go through the trouble of showers, picking something to wear, driving there to only hang out for like 5 mintues, get bored, and leave. If I had money it wouldn't be a problem - I could find my own entertainment. HEY - not THAT kind of entertainment... "I show you my special trophy of war!" But I could play pool, music, and drink as much as I want. Plus I could eat!! I can't wait until the 31st when I get paid.

Checking in again - I'm too damn lazy for my own good. I tried to post an entry on my birthday, but it was taking too long to log in.

I had Thanksgiving dinner last night at Mylinda's house - was really good. Didn't have any yams though. Had a good conversation about the past, and all was okay until she broke out a picture of her at 10 years old that got me depressed. I left and went to the Calyph for karaoke, but that, as usual, didn't cheer me up, so I went home.

I got Magic:The Gathering as an online game. I haven't played the physical game in like six years, since all my cards (the limited amount I'm sure that's left of them) are in Redlands at Mike's house. So now I'm trying to channel all my bad obsessions and vices into this safer, healthier "hobby". The only drawback is that it can be a costly one if I don't keep it in check, since I have to buy digital cards to play. I'm a little concerned though, about investing money into this - what happens if this doesn't last? I download the "cards" to my hard drive, but what if this online format crashes or ceases to exist? Well, they do have an option to redeem your cards if you have a complete set - that is a good thing.

Right now it's raining pretty hard, and I've heard actual thunder...can't remember the last time that happened.

Just checking in - I've been so busy. Ever since Ann left last year, it's been non-stop working. And when I have a moment to myself at home, I veg out.

Mariah Carey Christmas Karaoke - CDG

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CHC - Storms of 1988Interesting Hurricane stuff

bucolic

Project Management Institute Official Web Site - Building Professionalism in Project Management

contentious

MSDBA

I need to calm down. I need to be friendlier to people at work and not be on the defense all the time. But I'm so frustrated with everything and everyone, especially with the site redesign; it's turning more into joelee.com. Do I need anger management classes? What is it? I'm casually looking around for another job, but I know this job affords me so much opportunity that I shouldn't leave, but...

Two good things beside finally having a truck (which still hasn't "hit" me yet that it's MINE) - tomorrow is the beginning of a 4-day weekend (taking Tuesday off), and school starts next week.

PC PitStop

Yesterday was my one-year anniversary at work!

assist.org

Job Performance, Bonus and Salary review

Not many Repulbican supporters at rally because all were working.

I am so addicted to Big Brother 3. I typically become ill whenever reading or hearing about reality shows (except for The Real World), but BB3 has so much scandel and drama, and is really funny at times.

I finally got my truck yesterday. I took care of all my insurance stuff today; went to Eastwood and met with Rose on her day off nonetheless. She was a lot of fun and was really helpful setting up my insurance policy. I know it's in her best interest to have me upgrade my options, but she pointed out reasons why I should get a $500 deductible vs. a $1000 deductible, things that until that moment I had no clue about. Overall - a very smart saleswoman. My first payment was $291 and I'll then pay $121/month for the next 5 months with an automatic renewal at the beginning of the 7th month. There was some guy in her office named Chris that was extremely annoying and my gaydar went off on. I asked Rose what his issue was and she groaned telling me that she couldn't stand him. I offered to go over to Chris and scratch his eyes out for her. He was overly enthusiastic about everything - answering the phone, helping other employees, etc., not to mention he was very loud. I couldn't help but wonder if I am like that at my job and if people have the same response that I did for Chris. I don't think so, but my perspective is somewhat subjective.

Driving this truck - it's very cumbersome. I am surprised that it handles as well as it does; being so big, the truck, it would seem, would be hard to maneuver and navigate. Not the case - I went to visit my mom in National City and came across 2 cars parked tight together and I still managed to drive through both of them without any problems. I swear that truck can turn on a dime. Only problem is this is the first time I am driving a stick shift. I'm terrified that I'll be perched on a hill and accidently roll back and hit the car behind me. Thankfully I'm not in SF yet.

Speaking of my mother - I went to see her for the first time since May 2001. I found out my 2 youngest brothers were placed in foster care last February as my Aunt Mylinda had hinted a few months back. My mom is working on getting them back; she and Kenny have been off drugs for 3 months and Kenny is enrolled in DV classes. As hopefull as that sounds, I've seen these successful strides in sobriety before and their ultimate replases, so as optimistic as I'd like to be, I can't help feeling negative. My mother even acknowledged a similar sentiment; the reason she didn't tell me about Danny and Alex's removal was because she knew what I'd think: "There goes my mom fucking up again." I always think that but never vocalize what I'm thinking - I hardly ever do because my mother becomes so antagonistic and pessimistic about my recommendations: "No I can't get a job because I have no skills and have lawyers bills hanging over my head from the last round of child custody cases." This time, however, when I suggested getting job training, leaving Kenny and in her words "becoming an independent woman" she seemed very open to my suggestions. Normally she'd make excuses as to why she couldn't do anything; this time my mom agreed that free computer training would be beneficial for her and that she would be so much better off without Kenny. Her openness excites me. I also told her that her job training efforts would look good for the pursuit of getting Danny and Alex back.

I was still bothered about not being called when they were taken out of her custody. She said there wouldn't have been much that I could have done for them, but I told her if I had known I could have made arrangements to have them live with me instead of in a strangers home. She choked up on that. And it really chokes me up to know that my brothers are going through exactly the same things that I went through when I was their age. It really breaks my heart. I spoke to Danny today and he sounded really good, but I kinda shuddered when I heard him say "I'm watching a movie with another foster kid." I'm gonna visit him on Wednesday if it's okay with the state. I'm so amazed that he always asks about me and misses me when I haven't really been involved in his life. My other brother Alex is 3 years old so he barely knows me. Hmmmm. Now that I have this truck I have a great opportunity to be more in their lives and to also give them insight to normal life outside of that trashy trailer park.

prognosticate

internet.com


siliconvalley.internet.com

I need to get my act in gear or else when I reflect on my past I'll only be filled with the disappointment of regret instead of the sense of accomplishment.

I've helped Troy today do a yard sale to make some money to pay bills and rent. His boyfriend left for Pennsylvania on Friday, but on Thursday night we both came home from a 4th of July barbeque and they got into it. I had a great time at the BBQ, but out of all the 50 people that were there, I only knew the host, so I called Troy and asked him to come over. We left around 10:20pm to go to Troy's to invite Jason to go out to the Loft with us. They got into a fight; Jason viciously described how he slept with some girl and how he isn't gay or think he is and also gave Joseyln the car that Troy sold me after giving him a $500 down payment. Troy was pushed and fell and ended up slapping Jason, and the police were called, Troy was arrested for spousal abuse, and I ended up walking him. I stopped at Matt's to ask him for a ride home but he was too high (what eclectic friends I have), so I stopped at Pecs and played pool, getting a ride from someone I knew from the Gay Men's Chorus. Troy will pay me the $500 he owes me some time in the future - no rush. But I've helped him today moving things in and out of his place; he made about $200.

I can't help but remember some "bears" ad where he said he hated Bette Midler and was a total man; when I am going to be a man? Or at least feel like one. I am not yet a Man, yet not a Boy. Hahah, Britney Spears - I hate that bitch. That's too harsh; I don't hate her. She's an entertainer. Here I go again talking about gay things; I should just be happy being me, but someone it's never enough to satisfy me. I keep having visions of myself at 30 and I don't see my face, I see a body and actions and events, but no face; I wonder what that means.

compendium
crepuscule

It's not often I find guys my age who know what "vapid" means, let alone use it in a clear and consise diatribe on Hate Crime legislature, but - murdering mouth - ... what can I say? I need to sleep with my dictionary now on.

I found him on this bear profiles website - don't know why I was there. I was just reminded how much of a man I am NOT. Some guy listed as his "turn offs" Bette Midler and Steel Magnolias. I wonder if there is anyone else out there who has issues with his masculinity as I do. But I was glad to see that - murdering mouth - is boyfriends with long-time cutie David.

Why can't I ever be satisfied with what I have and what I'm working for? It seems like it's never enough but it is, so why can't I accept that? I sound like an AA mantra.

bootleg cds

Larry Rivers Expressionist Painter

Gay Youth in America

I'm not that big on one-night stands; the two night stands I have at home are the jealous type.

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I haven't worked out since Thursday - I'm going today. I stopped since I haven't been eating. I haven't been eating cause I have no food. I have no food cause lack of money. But I ordered a pizza with a check that will hopefully clear sometime after next Friday, and I feel guilty for eating such crap. And I think now that I'm eating this, I'll have enough energy to work out; that was my primary concern - passing out on the cross-country machine.

UVA Computer Science: The Oracle of Bacon at Virginia

Hillcrest Landmark

I started taking Hydroxycut last Wednesday. I don't really like how I feel; I get headaches and I feel this pressure on my chest like someone is laying on top of me. But I had this tremendous amout of energy, until I started working out. I worked out on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday and haven't feel good since, however, I think it's due to not eating many carbohydrates since I was on a modified version of Adkins. I weighed myself on Thursday - 245#. I can't believe it - I'm a tank! Oh well, I don't look like I weight that much, or else everyone is lying to my face. I don't think I do, but oh well; my perception has been warped on this matter everytime I've gained weight. Last time when I got up to 220# right after the navy, I didn't realize I was that big until I'd lost the weight and saw pictures of myself weight 220#.

When I eat though, I feel much better. Today, I've had 2 powerbars (immediately I felt better) and a shake and right now I'm feeling sleepy and have a really bad headache. I need to have some sort of regular diet set up - something in the morning, a sandwich and salad for lunch and something for dinner. I'm gonna work out tonight and see how that goes.

I'm at the library before Master Chorale meets, some girl walks into the library and sets the alarm off, the type of alarm that would annouce to everyone that the alleged theif has hoisted a book unchecked, and this dorky volunteer student librarian tracked her all through the library trying to find out why she beeped - he looks somewhat like Stephen King and how I would imaging the author to walk...hunched over a bit, somewhat lurching as he tredded. Anyway, this "cool" guy at the computer was scoffing under his breath while the dorky guy persues the perp, all the while straining to watch his path as he chases the girl. Laughing, just laughing at the dork. And here I am, a dork of sorts, straining to see this "cool" looking guy, laughing at the cool guy under my breath. Is that ironic, or is that a common thing?

I am sorta upset that all these 19 and 20 year old college guys look as adult as they do - they are men! I don't see myself as a man, and I know I'm not a boy, somewhere in between. Boyish looking, man body. But these guys are just rugged, reeking of masculinity. I was coming out of the bathroom after basically popping a zit (an common adolescent thing) as this uber he-Man lumbered in to take a piss, uh-rah! Big, bulky guy. And me, kinda scurrying by. Well not scurrying, but not really making any waves in the pool, either.

I'm not running at the moment; I've been on the no-carbs thing for over a week, and have no energy to expend any activity really, let alone running. I was listen to Jeff and Jer this morning and they were discussing hydroxy-cut or something, and how it gives one energy to go to the gym and be more active while cutting down on calorie intake. I think I can use that and create a diet suited for my needs and goals. Something worth looking into.

Wow I finally get Mary Tyler Moore; what a wonderful show. I remember reading Michael Mouse's Valentine's Day resolutions for 1997 in Tales of the City affirming that he would not cry when the series went off the air. I learned last night that the last episode premiered on March 19, 1977. I missed out on so much...I really wish I was born in the 1950s and able to experience the 70s. I remember discussing death in a Philosophy class, and the instructor was explaining our irrational fears of death; people do not regret not living any earlier than they did, but are fearful/regretful about dying and missing anything that is to come after one's death. He also said that it's irrational to think that dying young is a tragedy whereas dying of old age isn't; John Keats, author of Ode on a Grecian Urn, died at the age of 24. This is seen as a tragic death, even though it was of natural causes, but the death of an elderly gentleman of the same natural causes isn't preceived as tragic. I digress...

I didn't agree with the professor's first point, and my love for the 70s just confirms my disagreement; I would've loved to have been of age during the 70s. It all probably looks good in retrospect, not because I'm comparing it to today's culture and longing for "a simplier time," but because it's all been studied and we congratulate ourselves on understanding everything about that decade.

I just ran 1/2 mile.. I'm proud that I did, but all this extra weight I'm carrying around is causing strain on my back, strain that was aggrevated when I helped Troy move. I think I'll begin working my back at the gym; I've only been doing the reclined bicycle as my exercise regimine, so my stamina is up, but the strength to support my lard ass for the long hall is absent. :)

I'm reading The Night Listener and was so happy to discover that characters from the Tales of the City series are included. Anna is the main character's assistant, and her brother Edgar is mentioned as well as her two mothers Dedra and Dorothea. I'm only on page 40 but I hope others are mentions; I've always wondered what has happened with all the characters of the series - if Michael Mouse died; how Mary Ann is doing in New York; etc. Maupin's style is very simple but very effective.

Moo Cat has been very sick lately, but she seems to be getting better; lately she hasn't been eating at all, isn't sociable, doesn't meow, and is very inactive. Now she's eating again, is very vocal once again, and is sleeping on Rancy's bed. I hope she's over whatever she was suffering from.

I'm so ashamed of myself; not only have I spent the entire weekend frantically masturbating, but I had a conversation about a horrible thing. I'm so made at myself, but my hormones were completely in control; I'm so obessive-compulsive, and couple that with manic-depressive tendancies (self diagnosed at this point), I'm just a fucked-up guy. I don't mean to get down on myself, but maybe venting my demons here will do some good, however, I don't want this to be an archive of all my unfulfilled goals and dreams, which so far it is becoming.

I still don't have my car, but I may get one on May 15th; Troy found this place across from his new apartment complex that finances anyone. They buy cars from auctions I think, so this company can do that. Troy said that with $500 down I can get a $3000 car, and the monthly payments would be like $100 a month. I will definitely pay more than that; I don't want this hanging over my head. I'll have a car insurance bill I'll be paying too. Once I get the car, I'm going to get a second job, probably delivering pizzas or something. Something that I have potential making a lot of extra cold-hard-cash in. I estimate I can make up to $200 in tips per week, maybe more, plus with my paycheck (minimun wage I'm sure) I anticipate raking in an extra $1000 per month. That would be good - help pay off the car quicker, then go to paying off bills and also paying for car insurance. I want to pay off all my bills and then save up money for the next two years so I can go to school full time. I was thinking of UC Berkeley's Computer Science program, but I read an article in today's San Diego Union Tribune about how UCSD has a revolutionary wireless communication network. I think that would be a cool place to study. Plus, as much as I hate the thought of staying in San Diego, I would still be able to take classes at Grossmont College; they have an awesome Music program and extensive Photography classes that aren't matched anywhere else - at least I haven't found any place else. Though UC Berkeley and the Bay Area are really really my passion, it may prove more advantageous to stay rooted here.

I have so many ideas for novels and screenplays; it's too bad I'm so damn lazy, or when I think about writing I end up going online instead and jerking off. That's what keeps me from working out too. Fucking hormones. One of the first things I plan on doing is seeking therapy; so much damn shit I have to weed through. But I'm leary of it at the same time; I want an instant cure. Yet I know that isn't possible. And I also know that it might take years to help me. I'm so messed up; moody, brooding, violently depressed one moment then jovial and bubbly the next. It's weird how the older I've gotten the more depressed I've gotten. Actually, most of it stems from my weight. I wasn't like this a year ago, however, a year ago I drank too much. I don't drink as much as I did then. I think I wasted a year just drinking and spending what little money I earned at the Loft. Then I found another way to vent my psychosis; eating. And I hate talking about my problems too; I am so afraid that I'll cry or get upset or something, but that is exactly what I need to do. I'm just afraid to open up like that. I think that is why I drank and ate as much as I did. Now that I have a computer, I'm turning to excessive masturbation as another unhealthy form of security/comfort. Moving is not going to help it, thought that isn't why I want to move; I just love San Fran! And I'm tired of San Diego - I'm from here. You're supposed to grow up and move away.

Why am I so chatty right now? I think it's cause I'm avoiding going to sleep. I have to be up at 5am; I've been late every day almost for the past 4 weeks since I stopped car pooling with Jeremy. My boss called at 8 tonight saying he wanted to pick me up to make sure I'm at work on time; that is soo bad. So I'm waking up early to take the bus to work to get there way early. And be bored. All day. Though the job is going better; I think I had a few stressful weeks there; everyone on my team is new to his/her position, and we had 3 new series rolling out the week my team finally relocated to San Diego. Before that, my team was in Boston. My boss worked here for 3 weeks and one in Boston. He relocated here from Boston for the position with the condition he could fly back and forth to see his family and work from the satillite office there. Now that that site has closed, or technically closes the end of May, I wonder what he'll do now.

Oh I remember. I had a thought about staying in my room and never coming out. Then I remembered hearing this story of a 900 pound man being stuck in his house and having to get the jaws of life to get him out of his house. No shit; there were like 50 people helping - firefighters, police, etc. It was on the news; how embarrassing. I'm already embarrassed enough as it is.

I have to go to work tomorrow to correct some mistake someone else made. I'm going to take the bus up there, then ride the broken bike I borrowed from my mother like 2 years ago when she still lived in the house in Spring Valley.

I went to a party at Alice's tonight; she has a beautiful home. I like her a lot. But I was thinking about how I want to cut everyone out of my life (like the "never leave my room" thought above) and I would have no problem never speaking to her nor anyone else again. Sigh. I'm sick of everyone.

I need to just be by myself for the next month so I can focus on me.

I think even if I moved, I would still not be happy. I just need to focus on classes and work and losing weight. I had some profound thought and I can't remember it. Darn ER is on....

I am starting to hate my job - let me rephrase that; I hate my job. Well I dislike it very much. I've been so frustrated with all the different things going on here.

minutiae

copasetic

I'm in a very bad mood. I called a phone line and listened to people's recorded messages, and there is this guy that is so awesome, but I won't leave him a message. I'm such a pussy. Anyway, I've just finished day 7 of my diet. I think I'm going to go to the gym in the morning, even though I have to wake up like at 5am to do it. I think that's fine. I'm really going to try to do it. Of course, I'm all fire and brimstone about it now, but come morning, I'll be like "fuck that shit!" Well I'll try.

Yeah I just tele-filed my state taxes. $354 that I will never see - it will probably be garnished for the housing debt I still owe UCR; that's what happened with the last two year's return. Oh well...

Alias is SOOOO good!

I worked out tonight. I started a spreadsheet to monitor my food intake and exercise. I think that would be helpful. I have a concert with the Grossmont Master Chorale on April 28th - that's in two weeks. I hope to lose at least 10 pounds by then to fit into my tux better. Our last concert was a Celtic Celebration theme, and I felt like a stuffed animal in my tux; I haven't worn the tux in 2 years. I had just bought it after losing about 30 pounds. I didn't try it on until at the concert, and to my dismay I found it didn't fit at all. I didn't want to come out of the bathroom; "The Diva will not be coming out of her dressing room tonight - the show must go on without her." I got over it by the second concert. But I want to lose weight so it isn't so obvious that the tux is too small. As soon as I'm back in the shape I was last August, it should fit fine.

I figured out what was wrong with my home modem - I had the telephone line plugged into the wrong RJ-11 port. I figured it out like after 4 days - silly me.

"Volcano" is so cheesy.

Officer: This one looks like your mom?
Obnoxious Kid:...pause...They all look alike...

I saw it when it came out in the movie theatres back in 1997 when I was at UCR. I saw it with Samantha, her brother, and another person. I remember hearing that Wesley Snipes was in the theatre or something; he had been up for the part that Tommy Lee Jones got in the movie.

I'm broke until Monday. Hopefully then I'll make time to get my car towed to the mechanic shop. I'm having problems with Jeremy my carpool person to work. I missed two days of work last week - I called in sick on Tuesday (I wasn't feeling well, but the thing is, I was hung over the day before and still went into work on Monday) and on Wednesday night I got sloshed and ended up attaching myself to some guy at The Loft and crashed at his place. I overslept and missed Jeremy and wasn't able to get a ride to work for Thursday. I was planning to take the bus into work early Friday morning since I had nothing done for the week, but decided against it. Jeremy never showed up nor called the next morning. Luckily, I had just received a $49 refund check from my canceled car insurance, so I used that to take a cab to work - I walked to Park and University to end up at a Wells Fargo ATM, but no bank; I was pissed to find there was no damn bank there! Right across the street from that ATM is where an old Wells Fargo used to operate; today the building remains but borded up. I made it into work an hour late, but still managed to finish all my work on time - a light week. David took me home, which was cool, but I think I'll be using the bus system to get to and from work for now on. My boss is getting concerned about my lack of car, so I need to get that fixed so I can start depending on myself (and hopefully my newly-dependable car) to get to and from places.

I still have to do my California tax return. I used H&R Block's website to calculate my taxes, and I was able to file my Federal taxes electronically and used the rapid refund option to get my taxes back in like 5 days. But because I had a correction/itemization on my State return, I have to file that manually. I tried undoing the itemization and resubmitting the file, but it wouldn't work. I can file over the phone, but I have to find my EZ tax return booklet.

yeah yeah yeah....YOUR MOM

Cassiopeia PDA

Cirque Du Soleil

CompTIA

i29music

micron.com

JavaScript.com (TM) - The Definitive JavaScript Resource: JavaScript Tutorials and Free Java Scripts

Well I never made it to the gym last post - oh well.

I think I broke my modem; I can't dial up anymore from home. My computer stalled and I was logging off AOL to use the phone and it was still connected to the Internet, so I unplugged the phone jack from the computer to use the phone, and since then I haven't been able to log onto AOL. I'll ask Greg if he knows what's up.

I found out Asian David died a few weeks before Billy. I remember hearing something about that; it sounds vaguely familiar. But I heard it over Easter dinner at Troys. It reminds me of when I found out my Aunt Fern had died - I found out 3 weeks after it happened. I don't know why it's so unsettling; it is not like I thought of him every day as if he was alive and available to call at any time, but unconsciously I guess I took it for granted that he was alive.

SoundBlaster

Farmers' Almanac Astronomy - Full Moon Names

Going to the gym in a bit. Makes me glad. And saw Ann today and met David's wife and kids. Beautiful children, like their mom and dad. Hannah, their three-year old daughter, is very beautiful. Ann is so great; I've always worried that she might be mad at me for assuming her job when she was fired. And she kept telling me she wasn't and that she was happy for me, but I was just worried. She worked so hard for over a year and a half, and received no gratitude for any of it. When I assumed the position, some of the duties she performed were transitioned to other people; where she was working 75hrs/wk on average, I'm a consistent 40. I've wondered in the past what would cause her to work that many hours, but I'm pretty sure I know why. But I told her that I normally don't make weekly changes until Thursday afternoons and she gasped. This isn't always true - it just depends on the amount of changes for that week, and if there were any other promotions that week. So I felt bad; I didn't want her to doubt the long hours that she put in. And I don't think she would, but I wouldn't want it to cross her mind. It's mainly because of her hard work that I am where I am now in regard to the ease of my work. But I do work hard, plus I've assumed other duties that she never had when she was employeed at my work.

I wonder if anyone else has a fake or mulitple fake internet identities. I'm reminded of the Queer as Folk episode where Emmett tried to delete his online personality. I have two that I use (I know, bad ol' me), but I think I should delete them. I only created them so I could talk to someone since I don't have a pic. Oh well - Kinko's is around the corner.

Well at least I did one of the things I was talking about; I am working out. But I still need to take my car to the mechanic. I have been lazy, waking up too late to have it towed and then get into work at a decent hour.

I'm also too lazy to go grocery shopping, so I went to Panda Express last night and also rented "Ghost World" and "Artificial Intelligence". Both were very dark and somber, but as typical I liked them. Ghost World was quirky, but kinda died at the end, as did AI. AI was slightly disturbing: it reminded me of Oedipus Rex.

design resume

Tomorrow I take my car to get the engine rebuilt. I originally had an estimate of $2,700, but Dave, a friend of Dee Ann's, recommended this place in National City. They gave me an estimate of $870 plus tax for the engine, and worst case scenario, about $1,000 more for labor to install and to bring my car up to current standards - the only thing I really understood was something about the gas; they need to change something to process unleaded gasoline better. I think it will increase my average miles per gallon, so that, of course, is a good thing. So I should have a running car soon. I'll have to reinstate my insurance though.

I'm trying to be more disciplined, and it's not working. I'm trying to get myself into a schedule. I had to drop out of school, and sorta got in a bad funk over it. Tonight I was in a great mood and went to the Loft, and all my joy was sucked out of me the second I stepped into the place. But I played pool for awhile and had a few beers, and managed to maintain my high spirits, so that's good.

I joined the gym about a week ago. Been twice. I am going to work out in the mornings before I go to work. I know it is better for my metabolism to work out just after I've woken up, plus there shouldn't be too many people there at 5am. I'm intimidated to work out when there are a lot of people there. I've become a tank! I sang with the Grossmont Master Chorale at the El Cajon Performing Arts Center and St. Michael's Catholic Church in Poway for a Celtic Celebration, and I had to buy a size 40 pants. I fell horrid. Plus, I haven't worn my tux jacket in 2 years; I bought it after I had lost 40 pounds. To my dismay, it was too small. I felt like a stuffed pig. I was about to hole myself in the men's restroom like a diva... "no, I will NOT be performing tonight.. go away.."

The death of the CD Single?

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I haven't been posting at all lately; to be honest, I haven't been really motivated. I'm going through a severe depression right now. I feel like I'm treading water, barely above the surface from drowning.

I bought a 1969 Ford Custom for $200 on February 19th, and had it less than 16 hours before it overheated on the University Ave. offramp on the 163. I came back an hour later with David and filled the radiator with water and anti-freeze discovering that one of the water hoses busted. The car was able to start, but as I tried to merge into traffic, the car completely stalled and wouldn't start again. The engine would click once, and then nothing - I could see that the fan would jerk once and then nothing as I tried the ignition since the hood of the car was up. David added me to his AAA account and I had the car towed back to his place (I bought the car from his neighbor, this crazy, drugged-out Italian Lesbian, as belligerent as my mother). David's roommate Greg, an new Iowa transplant, looked the car over the next day and informed me that the head gasket blew, so I had the car towed to San Diego Auto Smog and Repair Centre, hoping that I'd have the car back within a week. I was prepared to spend $800 for a total car overhaul, and that day, I even secured car insurance, making a $244 down payment to East Group Auto Insurance. However, the next day the mechanic tells me that the engine needs to be repair completely, running about $2,700. The following day, I had my driving test and passed, so now I'm licensed to drive - and I had car insurance, but no longer had a running car. I was going to call Ecology Auto Wrecking ("we pay you cash for your junk car!") to come pick the car up, but a friend of Dee Ann (and a Loft acquaintance of mine) named David wants to buy the car from me. So I had it towed today to my house, and David will pick it up sometime in the near future. I cancelled my insurance yesterday, since I won't have a car for at least 3 more months.

I also withdrew from school - yet again. This is like the 6th straigh semester that I've had to do this, and for basically the same reason: no transportation. I'm so upset; not only will the prerequisite classes I planned to have completed this semester not be satisfied, I've needlessly spent approximately $500 on textbooks and supplies.

It's already March 1st - the days are flying by fast. I talked with David Hulse about this fact, and he told me to wait until I'm in my 40s - the months fly by; the days are just a blur. How do I hold on to my days and nights? Reminds me of "Hold on to the Nights" by Richard Marx. At least I know it's not just me with this problem.

Oh my god, I just saw a commercial for Six Feet Under and I couldn't contain my joygasm; I started to tear up.

Yeah I have my license finally - at 23 years old, finally I can drive legally. I had a car for about 16 hours but the engine died. Had it examined - it would cost me $2700 + to fix the piece of crap. Note to self: be leery of $200 cars...

Auto Insurance

Background: The Family Car

Ford Galaxies @Fo.Mo.Co

The Company: Portraits - Photo Gallery - Alvin Ailey

Sharing the Celebration Just reading these accounts of the Olympic medalists, I get sudden, overwhelming emotional overload and tear up one second, then in another sudden burst, the feeling is gone.

Just had a thought - I should create an interactive database to search for Billboard Album information (of course this is months from now). This way, I'd be able to demonstrate coding/database management capabilities and increase my experience in these areas.

jobs at hewlett-packard

Yes! It looks like I'll have a car this Friday. One problem: I don't have my driver license yet. I'm scheduling a time on Tuesday to take my written test, and hopefully, by the end of next week I'll be able to take my driving test and become licensed. Then I have car insurance to worry about, but because I'm getting a 1968 Ford Galaxy, my rate should be very low!

Other than that, I've been very busy with work and school. But I'm already starting to slack; I need to be more focused on my studies, because I'm getting frustrated and anxious going about my other responsibilities because my homework and classes are always nagging at me.

Dictionary.com/duplicitous

The Telecom Act and the Changing Communications Landscape

Telecommunications Act of 1996

Telecommunication Act of 1996

"Fifth Amendment" Defined & Explained

I don't understand - I thought in order to get answers on an inquiry, one had to ask questions about happenings, such as with the Enron hearings. Pleading the Fifth Amendment is to not incriminate oneself, but doesn't invoking the Fifth Amendment allude to one's involvement/guilt?

WWW.COUPLANDESQUE.NET

Dictionary.com/consanguineal

The news channels keep reporting "new developments" in Danielle Van Dam's disappearance, but I don't hear any real developments; they keep rehashing what's already been reported. I can't imagine being a parent and having to deal with the disappearance of my child; I wouldn't eat, sleep, or function in any capacity, and this family has 2 other children that need their parent's attention. Heartbreaking. Danielle's mother gave a statement today; she looked exhausted and there was so much desperation in her voice.

On another note regarding the news, it seems that marines are dying from accidents everyday. At this rate, we'll be defeating ourselves in this "war." It's sad that marines, anyone for that matter, have died, but it seems like it was due to negligence or technical malfunctioning.

I've never been a fan of Diana Ross. The only song I remember hearing on the radio when it was originally released was "Missing You" back in 1984, Ross's tribute to Marvin Gaye.

Dictionary.com/quidam

Dictionary.com/i.e.

Dictionary.com/e.g.

Gosh darn, there is a lot to discuss as usual. I don't want to be a slave to my journal, so I'm trying not to feel guilty about my infrequent updating or the fact that I don't have time to write about everything I would like to. Since our network is down at work and I have nothing to do, I thought it would be a good time to spend some time on posting.

The trip to San Francisco was fun, though it could have been a lot better if I had money; since I've discovered E-Bay, I've spent $400 or so on rare Mariah Carey singles and remixes. A good investment in my opinion, but a bad time right now to invest since: (1) I just switched from a weekly pay schedule to a bi-monthly pay schedule; (2) I started school January 28th and have to date spent $400 on books and supplies with 2 more books waiting to be purchases; and (3) as always, Bills Bills Bills. But I had a nice time anyway; I met Peter, a 52 year-old British expatriate who's lived in San Francisco since 1983 or about that time. I didn't know he was 52, not that that would have mattered, but I had thought he was a lot younger. At about 5'6", he had an alternative look to him; rail-thin body, shaved head, raver-like clothes, a "goatee-less goatee" - meaning he had a bit of hair underneath his lower lip covering his mid-chin proximity, crudely refered to as a "pus*y/ball tickler". He was often approached for pharmaceutical needs though he wasn't a user. I met him at the Midnight Sun while a bit intoxicated and started making out with him - the silly things we do when imbibedwith the spirits. Anyway I spent the night with him cuddling, and onlycuddling, and the next day he acted as a tour guide and drove me around town. We went to an open house to view a property on the market (way too small and intrusive for the asking price - basically the view was what would be paid for) and went across the bay to see U.C. Berkeley's campus. What a beautiful institution! Pervasive were 19th Century edifices and the burgeoning bohemia characteristic of Berkeley. I'm pretty sure I will be transferring here in two years to continue my computer science degree, but one never knows, especially now that I'm employeed with a leading eCommerce company in San Diego.

On My Mind: I forgot how MLA specifies punctuation within/around quotation marks. I know that the British have all puncuation outside of the quotation, e.g. Robert stated, "There are five cows". But American MLA style is different; I used the following sentence earlier in this post which prompted this question: "...his mid-chin proximity, crudely refered to as a 'pus*y/ball tickler'." Here's a good example - there is a quote within my quote. Where would the period be placed? In the post, I placed the period outside the quotation marks; this would be logical since I wasn't originally quoting an entire sentence, but I think it should be within the quotation marks. I haven't bought the MLA book yet, but this is something I want to know for sure.

Ohhhhh, heteronyms!

collusion

disparate

Wow so much to talk about. I'm back from San Francisco (had a great time!), started school (I'm so excited, but books are so expensive!), and ran into Larry, the first real boyfriend I ever had ... as opposed to imaginary (I "annulled" my first one). I'm a bit stunned about running into him; I was 17 and a senior in high school when I met Larry off a phone line; he was 39 and newly arrived to San Diego. For some reason, he reminds me of Richard Gere - it's probably the Italian. Anyway, he's the one that drove me to UCR to start my freshman year of college. The following Spring Break while down in San Diego, I went to his place and hung out with him, and that was the last I saw of him until tonight on the 11. Following Spring Break I had a huge fight with my mother over her drug problem, went back to Riverside, and at the end of Spring Quarter I enlisted in the Navy semi-against my will (long story). Anyway he came on the bus and said, "Hey, Josh, haven't seen you in a long time." He'd come on the bus with who I assume is a friend. I didn't recognize him because he had glasses on, shaved his goatee off and had that bit of chin hair very popular right now, and a jacket hood over his head; I thought he was someone I knew from the Loft. And before he told me his name was Larry, I knew it was him, but I was in such shock! I had resolved myself to never seeing him again. This is the guy that I realized I was in love with only after he was out of my life. We talked and I was a bit dismayed at how he appeared; he reminded me of the type of guy my mother would date: a bit grungy... but he was still hot at 44! He's 5 months older than my dad. But he seemed to be out of it, like he was drunk or something. But he told me he was just thinking of me the other day! In retrospect that makes me feel so good; it's nice to know someone that I care a lot for and thought of often was also thinking of me time to time. I had to get off the bus, and I gave him my number, and I hope he calls me so bad!! But I don't know if he will; I don't know if that was his boyfriend with him, and if he does call, he'll hear my roommate's voice saying we are not home; maybe he'll think Rancy and I are together when that is just the opposite. I mean, I wasn't exactly blustering with enthusiasm to see him, though inside I was! I was just so shocked to see him that I guess it hadn't really dawned on me. I was too absorbed in taking him in. I was also weirded out by some things he told me; we were talking about the place he lived at in Clairemont and he reminded me about some people he thought were terrorists spying on him and following him (this was in 1996-1997). He said it was all true and he had to move. I don't remember any talk about people following him, or maybe I do, and I just played it off cause I thought he was joking, but hearing Larry talk about it tonight freaked me out; I had a flashback to "A Beautiful Mind." Now I'm obsessed with him again, wondering if he is going to call...he was a very well-rounded guy, though kind of simple in a shy way. He is very intelligent, handsome, and has the biggest dick I've ever...well never you mind. Sigh...I wonder...

It's also weird to wake up in San Francisco this morning, be back in San Diego within an hour and back in school all in one day. San Francisco is so beautiful! There is so much bay area to the bay area; totally amazing. Then I remembered that San Diego has a lot of the same set up regarding ports and bay area, but San Diego isn't impressive. I don't find San Diego glamorous; being a native San Diegan is very provincial? Is that the word? What I'm trying to say is that I think it's very small of me to be born in the same place, live and work there then die without ever living anywhere else. Close minded? Anti-worldly? I don't know; it's midnight and I have a headache, yet I have so much to write about. I saw UC Berkeley; it's so awe-inspiring! So much classical archetecture and intelligensia, burgeoning bohemian mid-bougoisie businesses and people to be found everywhere. I'm pretty sure I will be transferring here and not to UCSD; I want out of San Diego - it's time to leave the nest and spread my wings for real this time.

I only had one class today; Math 175 College Algebra. I'm really looking forward to it; I haven't had a math class in almost 6 years, so I'm pretty anxious, but I looked at the class syllybus and wasn't intimidated. Though I may be intimidated by the instructor. Not him so much but his teaching methods. Probably not, but he kept talking about how he isn't a mathematician and how un-precedented his methods are. Maybe that's what I heard, but oh well. I know it'll be find; it's just new-class/semester jitters I suppose. In class I found some journal entries from June 1999; I'd only been back in San Diego for 2 months, but already I see a pattern in my writing: it's men-observatons, a catalog of my lust. Also, there's an entry from when I found out about my Aunt Fern's hit-and-run death.

I got the last of my tax information today so now I can begin working on my taxes - not looking forward to that. I collected a week of unemployment and closed my 401k plan back in April/May, so I have a 1099-R and 1099-G form in addition to 5 or so W-2 forms to compute. I'll probably buy Quicken or some turbo tax software thing to do my taxes with since I don't qualify for the tele-tax anymore; since I collected income from my 401k, there's a lot more computation and what not that needs to be done.

I haven't mentioned it yet, but I'm going to San Francisco tomorrow for 4 days. I'm writing from work; I had to work late so ensure all my work is done since I won't be back to work until Tuesday. If there is anything to fix, Lee Ann is acting as my backup, but I'm still leaving the phone number of the hotel I'm staying at in case they have any questions only I can answer; I'm doubtful that will be a taken action.

I start school Monday the day I come back from San Fran; I can't wait!

Today my work announced its Q4 profitability as well as the layoffs and site/store closures. Poway had 30 or so layoffs, but overall, I believe the total amount is 2,100 approximately. We also closed 6 sites, including Beverly. I'm not happy about that, because most of the people I work with are in Boston, but I think all of that team is being offered the option to relocate to SD. But I doubt Lee Ann will be relocating; she just got engaged to her boyfriend of 6-7 years. That's a tough decision to make. If she does leave, it's going to be hard to replace her, but of course we'll get by.

Personal Note: I just typed all this info regarding 2 sites I want to create, music piracy, and Angela Davis and accidently closed the blogger FTP window before posting. I'm not in the mood at the moment to retype it, but remember to re-compose this post. I HATE that. I have this pedantic need to close all windows I don't think I'm using. I've not worried in the past about losing information because all word processing and spreadsheet programs as to save before closing. But the Blogger FTP post doesn't prompt you to save. I'll rewrite my post later. Hopefull from home now that my desktop from work should work.

disinformation

Webopedia: Online Dictionary

a day late and a :: dollarshort.org

So New Media -- Books, Magazines, Independent Media

movabletype.org : news

When asked, "If you could be a man for a day, what would you do? Drill a hole, chop down a tree or program the video...?" Mariah Carey responds,

"I'd probably be a drag queen. I've never wanted to be a man. I don't have those fantasies of wanting to be one. I am such a girl - look at how I walk around. I live for girl moments."

My idol....heheh! "The stuff is starting now..."

Go on, Guhrl... And Jennfier Lopez? "Press on, Pidgeon..."

The Ancient Bristlecone Pine is supposedly the oldest living creature presently alive, many years older than the Northern California sequoias.

The Evolution of RSS - WebReference.com

(sorry to be posting all these random sites, but I haven't had time to really site down and make a post. Okay that's a lie; I am not motivated to make a post)

I've become a silly eBay whore.

Shirley Q. Liquor is sooo funny.

I was doing a search on "content management" to help compose a friend's resume, and I found this interesting site.

It's 2002, but I don't feel any different, once the hoopla is said and done. Shouldn't we be driving in "Jetson"-esque bubble cars and having our food prepared by similators?

I haven't made any resolutions. The only one I actually have, to lose weight, is one I've had for the last month or so, so it doesn't count. However, RuPaul says it best: "What other people think of me is none of my business." What a great mantra to have!