I drank this weekend. I went out Friday and met a new person from A4A named Mark at the Loft, then we headed to Pecs. He spent the night with me. We went to breakfast in the AM after he ran home to care for the 7 Havanese dogs he breeds, then went out and did a repeat of the previous night except this time I spent the night with him.
The next morning we had coffee then he drove me home. We had planned to go to the Hole later in the afternoon but he said we was busy grooming one of the dogs of which he has a potential buyer. I think he was just over me by then. I haven't heard from him since.
I've decided to stay clear of gay.com and A4A and focus on other things, no matter how bored I get or how strong the desire to "surf" becomes. This is my first step at setting boundaries. Next I shall be working on a routine: working out and eating right. Finally, I'll focus on working the AA program; going to meetings, finding a sponser, and reading the big book.
I am invited to a 4th of July party. I probably shouldn't go because there'll be a lot of drinking there. I think I will invite someone from AA with me so that I'll be ok. I'll look into it.
Tuesday, June 29, 2004
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
I don't know why I continue doing things I shouldn't do. For instance, I met someone from online yesterday and biked to his house where I had gin for the first time mixed with Mountain Dew and smoked pot with the guy. I was so damn high; I had the most incredible epiphanies yet I failed trying to communicate them any time I opened my mouth. The guy I think was disappointed with me, but I guess that's fine since the "touching and sucking" session was pretty much one-sided. I pretty much got an e-mail send off with "thanks for coming"; should I have reminded him I never did? Just acknowledge and move on.
I need to set boundaries. I need to create a routine. I need to work a program.
It was a shitty day at work too. I forgot to take my irritability medication last night, and the pot didn't help, so I was a cranky bitch all day to everyone over the stupidest things. I met with our department's new VP, my boss, and a few other people for a little roundtable session, and I couldn't think straight and couldn't communicate my thoughts, and I was extremely intimidated at the meeting by all the senior personnel in the room. So needless to say I was disappointed in all my shakey half-sentences. I also realized I cannot jeopardize my job by being so irresponsible as getting high and drinking again. I think I started drinking again because somehow I think I can manage and control it. I'm going back to meetings, no questions asked this time.
One good thing is I got my bike tires filled with air on Sunday, so I no longer have an excuse not to go to the 8 o'clock meeting anymore... at least, not the same excuse. I got the air filled because I had to bike to Steve's house to go to lunch with him at this lo-carb restaurant called "Indulgance". I ran into someone I used to work with named Claudia, which was a nice surprise. But after lunch I headed to Pecs; surprisingly, I had a great time. And I met someone named Mario who came over to watch "Lost in Translation". He disappointed me with his embellished endowment, but I was quite happy with his kissing abilities.
Monday night I was good and stayed home doing laundry. And tonight I stayed home as well and cleaned my room a little, studying networking a little, but spent most of my time jerking off, damn it. Up the meds!
I need to set boundaries. I need to create a routine. I need to work a program.
It was a shitty day at work too. I forgot to take my irritability medication last night, and the pot didn't help, so I was a cranky bitch all day to everyone over the stupidest things. I met with our department's new VP, my boss, and a few other people for a little roundtable session, and I couldn't think straight and couldn't communicate my thoughts, and I was extremely intimidated at the meeting by all the senior personnel in the room. So needless to say I was disappointed in all my shakey half-sentences. I also realized I cannot jeopardize my job by being so irresponsible as getting high and drinking again. I think I started drinking again because somehow I think I can manage and control it. I'm going back to meetings, no questions asked this time.
One good thing is I got my bike tires filled with air on Sunday, so I no longer have an excuse not to go to the 8 o'clock meeting anymore... at least, not the same excuse. I got the air filled because I had to bike to Steve's house to go to lunch with him at this lo-carb restaurant called "Indulgance". I ran into someone I used to work with named Claudia, which was a nice surprise. But after lunch I headed to Pecs; surprisingly, I had a great time. And I met someone named Mario who came over to watch "Lost in Translation". He disappointed me with his embellished endowment, but I was quite happy with his kissing abilities.
Monday night I was good and stayed home doing laundry. And tonight I stayed home as well and cleaned my room a little, studying networking a little, but spent most of my time jerking off, damn it. Up the meds!
Tuesday, June 15, 2004
I cycled off my medication over the last 5 days. I am so broke that I couldn't afford the $40 co-pay. I broke down and wrote a check last night to get my refills. It would be okay, I figured, since I would get paid the following day.
I haven't done anything in the last few days; it was so hard to focus on anything for any length of time, so I spent all day Sunday watching Christopher Guest movies.
I haven't done anything in the last few days; it was so hard to focus on anything for any length of time, so I spent all day Sunday watching Christopher Guest movies.
Thursday, June 10, 2004
I've been so short-tempered at work with my assistant Michael. I have to stop and ask myself, "why?" Today other co-workers semi-teased, semi-lectured me on my abrasiveness. I am really really trying hard to curb this issue, but I'll try harder.
On Tuesday I left Garrick's gay ex-mormon dinner party early and went to Steve's house, and I had my feelings sorta hurt cause his feelings were hurt over a CD I'm supposed to make him. I made a first attempt at making the CD, but it didn't play on his player; it was only recognizing one track when the CD contained about 12 songs. When I viewed the tracks in my laptop, I noticed the playlist I'd copied the songs from was listed like a track, and the songs in the playlist were bulleted underneath the playlist title. So I'm going to create a new CD with a few minor song selection changes per Steve and troubleshoot this playlist thing. I was more hurt over the blunt way he stated his complaint and also by the fact that he was hurt by something in my opinion that is so minor. But I need to be respectful of his feelings, so I'm going to work on the CD tonight. The incident put Steve in a different light; hopefully, though, the light is only flickering and just needs a new bulb.
Rancy is out of town for the week. And Mikey's car is being repossessed, which is good; now I can't drive around on a suspended license, stupid me. It's not worth it, yet I can't stop using the car for small errands like going to a meeting or to play tennis.
I had a date with Al last night. He's a mid-30s house reinovator who's also a great chef. We had a very amicable dinner, then he rather unpleasantly surprised me by showing me all his work-related Websites; I felt like he invited me over only to talk about himself and get some feedback on his sites. One of Al's businesses is this libido enhancing herbal concoction called "Boom"; he "asked" me to take some with him. We ended up having sex while watching Clueless in his bed. Ugh!
On Tuesday I left Garrick's gay ex-mormon dinner party early and went to Steve's house, and I had my feelings sorta hurt cause his feelings were hurt over a CD I'm supposed to make him. I made a first attempt at making the CD, but it didn't play on his player; it was only recognizing one track when the CD contained about 12 songs. When I viewed the tracks in my laptop, I noticed the playlist I'd copied the songs from was listed like a track, and the songs in the playlist were bulleted underneath the playlist title. So I'm going to create a new CD with a few minor song selection changes per Steve and troubleshoot this playlist thing. I was more hurt over the blunt way he stated his complaint and also by the fact that he was hurt by something in my opinion that is so minor. But I need to be respectful of his feelings, so I'm going to work on the CD tonight. The incident put Steve in a different light; hopefully, though, the light is only flickering and just needs a new bulb.
Rancy is out of town for the week. And Mikey's car is being repossessed, which is good; now I can't drive around on a suspended license, stupid me. It's not worth it, yet I can't stop using the car for small errands like going to a meeting or to play tennis.
I had a date with Al last night. He's a mid-30s house reinovator who's also a great chef. We had a very amicable dinner, then he rather unpleasantly surprised me by showing me all his work-related Websites; I felt like he invited me over only to talk about himself and get some feedback on his sites. One of Al's businesses is this libido enhancing herbal concoction called "Boom"; he "asked" me to take some with him. We ended up having sex while watching Clueless in his bed. Ugh!
Tuesday, June 08, 2004
I've also realized that I have a hard time believing what people say. I mistrust them, thinking their statements are ingenuous. I need to work on that. I think it has to do with growing up always hearing broken promises and lies.
I've been having the strangest dreams. This morning's dream takes place at a McDonald's parking lost where I'm about 6 or so and my ficticious brother is ran over. Then I go into hiding from my mother, ending up at an Intel Processor conference with Beyonce Knowles exalting Xeon and Pentium processors. I leave the conference slipping through a back door and running through a park where a white woman in a long, hippish dress made of hemp and a black man are talking about some geographical food I'm unfamiliar with.
I have dinner tonight with Garrick and 6-7 of his gay, ex-mormon friends. That should be fun. I need to make the meeting prior to dinner though.
I've been having the strangest dreams. This morning's dream takes place at a McDonald's parking lost where I'm about 6 or so and my ficticious brother is ran over. Then I go into hiding from my mother, ending up at an Intel Processor conference with Beyonce Knowles exalting Xeon and Pentium processors. I leave the conference slipping through a back door and running through a park where a white woman in a long, hippish dress made of hemp and a black man are talking about some geographical food I'm unfamiliar with.
I have dinner tonight with Garrick and 6-7 of his gay, ex-mormon friends. That should be fun. I need to make the meeting prior to dinner though.
Monday, June 07, 2004
I went to the 8 o'clock NA meeting today. The topic was "what do you do to get out of a funk" or something to that nature. I heard some really good shares, but I spent most of the time deconstructing my sexual compulsions during the meeting. I realize that I suffer from a bad case of "terminal uniqueness" as I've heard others say, and I admitted to myself that I feel like everyone should be attracted to me. I end up resenting the people that are not into me. But at the same time if someone thinks I'm cute and is interested, I unconsiously feel I'm not worthy and feel unattractive and don't know how to handle the persons interest in me. I hate how catch-22 that cycle is. Now that I've identified it, I think I need to actively participate in some real sexual healing through an SLAA or SCA meeting. I wasn't comfortable with the one SLAA meeting I was at, but I need to face that and press forward. I rushed home to meet someone on ICUII that was interested in hooking up even though I know I shouldn't; luckily, he wasn't online so that fell through. I'm going to stay away from chat and other online environments. I think that's best.
I did call my sponser earlier today. She's feeling better. I'm going to call her tomorrow and check in. I need to commit to more work -- half measures avail me nothing! But I'm glad I finally finished "phase I" of cleaning my room; all my files have gone through an initial file grouping. I ended up throwing away 2 full trashbags of waste in all, mostly NSF statements. But I'm happy I have that done -- yeaye, and accomplishment!
Today was my first day at work with Megan out on maternity leave. I think I did very well, considering I was juggling both her responsibilities and my supervision my old ones with Michael acting in my place.
Speaking of funks, I am sorta in one right now over my finances. I'm cutting my medication in half because I'm out of money and can't afford a refill right now, but I know that is so wrong to do. I'll see how that goes. I'm filing my Flex Account spendings tomorrow, so I should get $273 in the next few days. That will really help out. I need to pay $41 to register for this 6-day work program the court assigned me as part of my DUI sentencing, but I don't have the money to do that. I thought I heard or saw that I have 72 hours from the time I went to the courthouse to meet with a counselor for my assessment. That's already passed, but I hope I can still pay for the registration and move on. This afternoon I scheduled my DUI-class orientation for Monday, June 21st at 8am. It's 4 hours long, and I have to pay $391 upfront; they only do a payment plan if I'm on disability. That's so unfair, but those are the knocks. But I'm glad I've got that thing off my belt. I have to start my $1700 fine payments by July 9th. One good thing I did today, in regard to paying bills, is that I applied to have my student loan paid electronically which reduces my interest charge by .25%. It's a start.
I did call my sponser earlier today. She's feeling better. I'm going to call her tomorrow and check in. I need to commit to more work -- half measures avail me nothing! But I'm glad I finally finished "phase I" of cleaning my room; all my files have gone through an initial file grouping. I ended up throwing away 2 full trashbags of waste in all, mostly NSF statements. But I'm happy I have that done -- yeaye, and accomplishment!
Today was my first day at work with Megan out on maternity leave. I think I did very well, considering I was juggling both her responsibilities and my supervision my old ones with Michael acting in my place.
Speaking of funks, I am sorta in one right now over my finances. I'm cutting my medication in half because I'm out of money and can't afford a refill right now, but I know that is so wrong to do. I'll see how that goes. I'm filing my Flex Account spendings tomorrow, so I should get $273 in the next few days. That will really help out. I need to pay $41 to register for this 6-day work program the court assigned me as part of my DUI sentencing, but I don't have the money to do that. I thought I heard or saw that I have 72 hours from the time I went to the courthouse to meet with a counselor for my assessment. That's already passed, but I hope I can still pay for the registration and move on. This afternoon I scheduled my DUI-class orientation for Monday, June 21st at 8am. It's 4 hours long, and I have to pay $391 upfront; they only do a payment plan if I'm on disability. That's so unfair, but those are the knocks. But I'm glad I've got that thing off my belt. I have to start my $1700 fine payments by July 9th. One good thing I did today, in regard to paying bills, is that I applied to have my student loan paid electronically which reduces my interest charge by .25%. It's a start.
Sunday, June 06, 2004
The weekend comes to an end. I played tennis this morning with Rancy and gave up in the middle of the 2nd set cause I was so frustrated with my hitting. I asked him what was wrong with me. He demonstrated by getting me back on the court for 5 more minutes against my wishes and throwing the ball at me. I learned my hit preparation isn't the best and I rush the hit. So I will work on that next Friday at doubles.
I'm recognizing that it's ok to be single. But I've been "seeing" this guy named Steve, and it's the very first time I've met someone intelligent, sensitive, masculine, attractive AND interested in me. But I don't know what will happen when I move to Irvine. It's not in my control, so I'll just see how things go with him. But he's a very sweet guy, and I love his kooky Aikida dog named Hormone; he was abused as a pup and is very skiddish around people.
Today is my 7th day of sobriety. I went to an NA Speaker Meeting and listened to Glenn share his experiences with shooting heroin for 12 or so years. It's amazing how someone can loose so much time to prison terms and not be regretful of the past. I need to remember that the past is not wasted. On the eve of moving to Irvine I was thinking, while cleaning my room finally, about what life was like 5 years ago when I moved back to San Diego. I was enrolled in an English class I have still yet to finish. I started regretting the time I've wasted these last 5 years with my school endeavors. So I need to remember the past is not wasted.
I need to get back to cleaning my room; I'm almost done with my initial "filing" project where I sort the wreckage of the last 5 years into smaller, more manageable piles to be later sorted again into yet smaller, more manageable piles until I'm ultimately done. I have this huge "bills" pile that I'm NOT looking forward to. But got to face it so I can take care of my finances and move on with my life.
I'm recognizing that it's ok to be single. But I've been "seeing" this guy named Steve, and it's the very first time I've met someone intelligent, sensitive, masculine, attractive AND interested in me. But I don't know what will happen when I move to Irvine. It's not in my control, so I'll just see how things go with him. But he's a very sweet guy, and I love his kooky Aikida dog named Hormone; he was abused as a pup and is very skiddish around people.
Today is my 7th day of sobriety. I went to an NA Speaker Meeting and listened to Glenn share his experiences with shooting heroin for 12 or so years. It's amazing how someone can loose so much time to prison terms and not be regretful of the past. I need to remember that the past is not wasted. On the eve of moving to Irvine I was thinking, while cleaning my room finally, about what life was like 5 years ago when I moved back to San Diego. I was enrolled in an English class I have still yet to finish. I started regretting the time I've wasted these last 5 years with my school endeavors. So I need to remember the past is not wasted.
I need to get back to cleaning my room; I'm almost done with my initial "filing" project where I sort the wreckage of the last 5 years into smaller, more manageable piles to be later sorted again into yet smaller, more manageable piles until I'm ultimately done. I have this huge "bills" pile that I'm NOT looking forward to. But got to face it so I can take care of my finances and move on with my life.
Tuesday, June 01, 2004
I had a good weekend. I went home from work early on Friday and was able to complete my lower-body workout, then played doubles tennis with the San Diego Tennis Federation. Later, I watched "Kissing Jessica Stein" with Todd and had burgers on bagels. What a great movie KJS is! I spent Saturday with Steve making a nice low-carb pasta salad for lunch and watching "Psycho Beach Party," then went to bed early cause I was so sore from working out. On Sunday, I had brunch with Jonathan, played tennis with Rancy, and hung out with Troy and his friend David (who just moved here from Pennsylvania) at Pecs, going to bed early again. Monday I did my upper-body workout, then spent about 4 hours at the beach with Jonathan and his friend Martin and Martin's friend Corey. My legs got a lot of sun, so I'm burnt right now. But I ended up having one wine cooler while basking in the sun, so back to day one of sobriety today.
I skipped my morning workout this morning, but I'll make it up tomorrow. I was going to make up the workout after work, but I'm going to see my mom. I happened to come out to her on the phone, which was no big deal; she had an idea already that I was. But she's going through a horrible time right now. I really don't want to be caught up in her drama, but she does need someone to listen to her and to help her pack/store her stuff while she goes back into a treatment/rehab center. So I have that to look forward to. She's also broke, and I don't have any money I can realistically lend her. I know I have to do what's best for me first. I just don't want to get in the position of telling her what to do or how to lead her life. I don't know - I'll be open and see where that leads me. I don't want her drama and stress to cause me to relapse, so I have to be very careful while supportive of her.
I called my sponser today and told her I relapsed.
I skipped my morning workout this morning, but I'll make it up tomorrow. I was going to make up the workout after work, but I'm going to see my mom. I happened to come out to her on the phone, which was no big deal; she had an idea already that I was. But she's going through a horrible time right now. I really don't want to be caught up in her drama, but she does need someone to listen to her and to help her pack/store her stuff while she goes back into a treatment/rehab center. So I have that to look forward to. She's also broke, and I don't have any money I can realistically lend her. I know I have to do what's best for me first. I just don't want to get in the position of telling her what to do or how to lead her life. I don't know - I'll be open and see where that leads me. I don't want her drama and stress to cause me to relapse, so I have to be very careful while supportive of her.
I called my sponser today and told her I relapsed.
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