I'm reading The Night Listener and was so happy to discover that characters from the Tales of the City series are included. Anna is the main character's assistant, and her brother Edgar is mentioned as well as her two mothers Dedra and Dorothea. I'm only on page 40 but I hope others are mentions; I've always wondered what has happened with all the characters of the series - if Michael Mouse died; how Mary Ann is doing in New York; etc. Maupin's style is very simple but very effective.

Moo Cat has been very sick lately, but she seems to be getting better; lately she hasn't been eating at all, isn't sociable, doesn't meow, and is very inactive. Now she's eating again, is very vocal once again, and is sleeping on Rancy's bed. I hope she's over whatever she was suffering from.

I'm so ashamed of myself; not only have I spent the entire weekend frantically masturbating, but I had a conversation about a horrible thing. I'm so made at myself, but my hormones were completely in control; I'm so obessive-compulsive, and couple that with manic-depressive tendancies (self diagnosed at this point), I'm just a fucked-up guy. I don't mean to get down on myself, but maybe venting my demons here will do some good, however, I don't want this to be an archive of all my unfulfilled goals and dreams, which so far it is becoming.

I still don't have my car, but I may get one on May 15th; Troy found this place across from his new apartment complex that finances anyone. They buy cars from auctions I think, so this company can do that. Troy said that with $500 down I can get a $3000 car, and the monthly payments would be like $100 a month. I will definitely pay more than that; I don't want this hanging over my head. I'll have a car insurance bill I'll be paying too. Once I get the car, I'm going to get a second job, probably delivering pizzas or something. Something that I have potential making a lot of extra cold-hard-cash in. I estimate I can make up to $200 in tips per week, maybe more, plus with my paycheck (minimun wage I'm sure) I anticipate raking in an extra $1000 per month. That would be good - help pay off the car quicker, then go to paying off bills and also paying for car insurance. I want to pay off all my bills and then save up money for the next two years so I can go to school full time. I was thinking of UC Berkeley's Computer Science program, but I read an article in today's San Diego Union Tribune about how UCSD has a revolutionary wireless communication network. I think that would be a cool place to study. Plus, as much as I hate the thought of staying in San Diego, I would still be able to take classes at Grossmont College; they have an awesome Music program and extensive Photography classes that aren't matched anywhere else - at least I haven't found any place else. Though UC Berkeley and the Bay Area are really really my passion, it may prove more advantageous to stay rooted here.

I have so many ideas for novels and screenplays; it's too bad I'm so damn lazy, or when I think about writing I end up going online instead and jerking off. That's what keeps me from working out too. Fucking hormones. One of the first things I plan on doing is seeking therapy; so much damn shit I have to weed through. But I'm leary of it at the same time; I want an instant cure. Yet I know that isn't possible. And I also know that it might take years to help me. I'm so messed up; moody, brooding, violently depressed one moment then jovial and bubbly the next. It's weird how the older I've gotten the more depressed I've gotten. Actually, most of it stems from my weight. I wasn't like this a year ago, however, a year ago I drank too much. I don't drink as much as I did then. I think I wasted a year just drinking and spending what little money I earned at the Loft. Then I found another way to vent my psychosis; eating. And I hate talking about my problems too; I am so afraid that I'll cry or get upset or something, but that is exactly what I need to do. I'm just afraid to open up like that. I think that is why I drank and ate as much as I did. Now that I have a computer, I'm turning to excessive masturbation as another unhealthy form of security/comfort. Moving is not going to help it, thought that isn't why I want to move; I just love San Fran! And I'm tired of San Diego - I'm from here. You're supposed to grow up and move away.

Why am I so chatty right now? I think it's cause I'm avoiding going to sleep. I have to be up at 5am; I've been late every day almost for the past 4 weeks since I stopped car pooling with Jeremy. My boss called at 8 tonight saying he wanted to pick me up to make sure I'm at work on time; that is soo bad. So I'm waking up early to take the bus to work to get there way early. And be bored. All day. Though the job is going better; I think I had a few stressful weeks there; everyone on my team is new to his/her position, and we had 3 new series rolling out the week my team finally relocated to San Diego. Before that, my team was in Boston. My boss worked here for 3 weeks and one in Boston. He relocated here from Boston for the position with the condition he could fly back and forth to see his family and work from the satillite office there. Now that that site has closed, or technically closes the end of May, I wonder what he'll do now.