I feel a manic period beginning to develop. I’m almost religiously ecstatic about going back to the gym, working out and exercising, and getting back into shape. I’m practically positive that I’ll be able to pay off my bills and hold my creditors at bay until I do. The overwhelming sense of hopelessness I have experienced these past weeks has disappeared completely, though I’m not fooled; the hopelessness lies in wait, anticipating the right moment to pounce and wreak havoc when I least expect to be attacked, exacerbating the effect of my nescience.

Ah ha! Epiphany…I figured out why September’s archive isn’t posting, though I don’t know my it doesn’t show up in my archive folder.

I feel very obsolete at work.

I feel another sinus infection coming. I don’t want another one, and I know how to prevent them – drink lots of water and my sinuses won’t dry out and become infected. I’m trying to thwart my oncoming infection, but I won’t know for a few more days. No beer for me – that exacerbates the dryness.

“I feel, I feel, I feel”… god, all this “I feel” statements. With that in mind: I feel like a caged animal rutting in its fabricated environment. Pacing back and forth, I can’t help feeling like there’s something I forgot to do, like I should be somewhere else but can’t get directions. I’m lost, but I can’t quite realize this yet, like an zoo animal knows his environment is unnatural but doesn’t know how because his doesn’t have a basis for comparison. It doesn’t help that I’m in emotional heat, meaning that I am not really “in the mood” to hook up, but I feel emotionally malleable, easily manipulated into sleeping with the first available stranger, any man who casually shows me one small drop of attention, because I long for a sense of belonging. I don’t know if belonging is the word I mean; I don’t know what I long for, but there is this omnipresent, unnamable desire I have that really haunts me. I know there’s no solace in the arms of a stranger, only the blank stare of emptiness to greet my do-eyed gaze. But having a veritable hodgepodge of hot he-man techno geeks roam up and down the aisles at work is not helping matters. *In a harlequin romance novel fashion* “He casually glancing my way, ignoring my reticent stare, his immediate heterosexual dismissal evident in his bulky departing footsteps as they echo across nearby cubicles. I wittingly hide my pining lust and subsequent disappointment, beseeching my turgid torpid truncheon of tumescence to lay low…” Hmm…..a new career, perhaps?