Completely unrelated: I don't know why I let Devon get me so upset. He's just a queeny, artificial, pretentious tank of a man that has to create scandel and play of people's insecurities for his own entertainment. Last night: Billy, Troy, George and I were at the Calyph hanging out having a great time listening to Don'L sing. I had been in the mood to hear him sing all night, so I was really happy to be there. Billy and George were outside on the patio smoking, and I was sitting with them (I don't smoke, bleech!) talking and laughing when I heard this cute guy - Troy and I had been having licentious thoughts about him - ask Devon about me. ME?!!! *blush* Anyway, I heard Devon slur, "Oh him? Don't bother talking to him unless you're a daddy or have money." Oi Vey! This coming from the guy who told me Don (not the singer, someone else) was into some really nasty sexual stuff (I'm not even going to say). I'm really glad I didn't listen to Devon, or else I wouldn't have gotten to know someone as talented, sincere, and generous as Don. The lesson, one I'm already well aware of, is never believe most of the talk from a bar, and that there is always two sides to every story. But what makes me even more mad that what Devon did is the fact that I'm letting it bother me. It's such a miniscule, backdrop, background storyline in my life, but I guess the most vocal. Affirmation: Don't let Devon get to me. Okay, check!
I tried so hard to like Mariah Carey's movie "Glitter." It really wasn't THAT bad, but it was so....shudder....baseless. Well, wrong choice of word - it's loosely based on herself. It was just stupid. How's that. The movie was choppy and basically consisted of camera shots and angles to make Mariah look cutesy pootsey. Completely predictable until the very end! I was so shocked, and I actually got a bit teary (Of course this coming from the guy that cries at the opening of an envelope). And that "The Color Purple"-esque ending where Mariah drives to Maryland from New York City in a limo wearing a $40,000 "Vera Wang"-like diva-dress to meet her estranged mother. I was like, "nothing but God can keep us apart." It was actually hilarious in it's inanity. There is a scene where her lover says to her, "so you think because you can shake your ass and hit a few high notes that you're gonna be some big collosal success," and I screamed out in the theatre, "Yes, yes!" There were a couple times where she hardly wore anything, mainly when her fictious music label is filming her video to her first single. I was like, "put some cloths on, gurhl." But whether intentionally or unintentionally, she/the writers were making a good point about how sex sells in videos and music regardless of how uncomfortable it makes the artist feel. I took Troy to the movie and he really loved it. I feel so guilty for not liking it, but it's such an unintelligent movie. I can unequivocally say that Mariah, despite her mediocre acting, is a far better actor than Madonna will ever be, though that's not saying much. Poor Mariah.
I probably seem like such a freak for all these Mariah comments. "Josh, get a life!" So be it. My obsession with Mariah started in 7th grade, and though my interest in her has waned a bit over the years (though it may not seem like it), I still love her. If there was a catagory in high school for "most likely to be arrested for stalking a celebrity," I more than likely would have won. It's my not-so-secret shame. I told everyone that for my high school reunion, I would come with a life-size, cut-out poster of Mariah as my date (freak!). So be it if people think I lack taste in music or support uninspired work. I know anyone can have a number one song, though not many can have 15 number ones in a 11-year span, or sell 150 million albums world wide in the same timespan, heheh. There are fans of the movie "Showgirls." I think what I'm saying is that I acknowledge that she isn't well received, but it doesn't matter to me. Mariah is very talented; have you heard her sing the Star Spangled Banner? I saw her sing it at the NBA playoffs in 1990. You like Whitney's version? I do, but Mariah wins, hands down. Before her artistic license went haywire, she was writing and singing beautiful songs, using her instrument powerfully and effectively, granted one has to like weepy, sappy love songs and not mind that every other word out of her mouth is "baby." I like Mariah now because she is sassy and doesn't care what so-called pundits think. I find that inspirational.
Another unrelated subject: my biological father will be 44 on Thursday. I haven't seen or spoken to him since 1994 when I left my mom's and went into foster care. My brother Jon turned 12 on the 16th of this month. I haven't seen him since he was 3. It's really sad to have 7 half-brothers and 2 half-sisters and to have never grown up with any of them, even though this sibling solitude left me with a vivid, overactive imagination to entertain myself with. I have no idea their likes or interests or anything. And what's really sad is that this knowledge doesn't affect me anymore. It probably does, but I've buried it deep down, supressing any emotion when it comes to family. Family isn't really a tugging heart string for me; I've made my own family from the friends I have now. My youngest brother is 20 years younger than me - my mom was 17 when she had me, and 38 when Alex was born. I visited her in the hospital and the nurses asked if I was the father. After initial revulsion, I chuckled spastically while thinking that this sounded like the made-for-TV trailer-trash version of "Oedipus Rex." But it feels really weird to say my dad is 44 and my mom is 40. Hell, it's hard enough to know that Madonna's 43!! When did the eternal material child grow up? It's even weirder to say that I have 4-year-old-child memories of my mom when she was 21 because I'm 22 now! I've surpased my genetic fertility and am older than both my parents were when I was born. My mom asks when I'll make her a grandmother; "Mom, you've had my share of children, I'm not having any." Age...I remember being at UCR and going shopping with Lexi. She was carrying a purse and grocery shopping like an adult. We were 18, and it felt very surreal to see her, someone I have always envisioned as a child-teenager, shopping in an adult manner. One day we're eating pizzas and gossiping in the cafeteria, and the next we're grocery shopping and paying taxes and, in my case, enlisting in the Navy. I don't think it's right to expect 18 year olds to assume so much responsibility only because they reached that age.
I've also noticed I'm slipping more into depression. I don't want to really go into it, but here's an article from Ann Landers I saw in yesterday's San Diego Union-Tribune:
For manic-depressives, feeling good can be a really bad thing
September 24, 2001
DEAR ANN LANDERS: I have been coping with manic-depression for 14 years. Most people understand how harmful depression can be, but it's difficult for some to believe that feeling good -- actually ecstatic -- could be bad for you. If you have manic-depression, however, this euphoric state can have serious consequences.
Manic-depression sets off a roller coaster of mood swings, alternating between the paralyzing lows of depression and the erratic peaks of mania. Manic episodes are often mistaken for drug-induced highs. The distinguishing feature is the feeling of "specialness." This can include a sense of power, an irrepressible outpouring of generosity, bursts of creativity and boundless energy.
These feelings can produce hyperactive and risky behavior, rapid and chaotic thinking and speech, bouts of insomnia, excessive eating, drinking and athletic activity, money-squandering and sometimes religious hallucinations. All this activity took its toll on me. I had to deal with damaged relationships as well as bank accounts. These manic episodes culminated in intense depression and suicide attempts.
There are treatments that can control manic-depression and help people cope. Please tell your readers that the free screenings on National Depression Screening Day can help those who suffer from manic-depression, as well as other forms of depression.
-- Monica in Boston
DEAR MONICA: Manic-depression affects almost 2.5 million American adults every year. Depression and manic-depression often have their onset between 25 and 44 years of age.
Symptoms of depression include persistent sad, anxious or empty moods; feelings of hopelessness, guilt, worthlessness or helplessness; a loss of interest or pleasure in ordinary activities; decreased energy or a feeling of fatigue; difficulty concentrating or making decisions; restlessness or irritability; inability to sleep or oversleeping; changes in appetite or weight; unexplained aches and pains; and thoughts of death or suicide.
Symptoms of mania include extreme irritability; excessive "high" or euphoric feelings; increased energy, activity, sexual drive and restlessness; racing thoughts and rapid speech; a decreased need for sleep; unrealistic beliefs in one's abilities or powers; abuse of drugs or alcohol; reckless behavior and hallucinations.
Those who suffer from manic-depression may go on shopping sprees and max out their credit cards, or gamble away their life savings. They may think they can read other people's minds. They don't finish projects because they have already moved on to something else. They might have sex with people they don't know or take a trip without making any plans.
Approximately 2,000 local hospitals, mental health centers and other locations will offer free, anonymous screenings for depression and manic-depression on National Depression Screening Day on Oct. 11. Starting today, you can call (800) 437-1200 (TDD for the hearing impaired: 800-697-3800) or go online at www.mentalhealthscreening.org to find a screening site in your area. Anyone who appears to have symptoms of depression will be directed to a treatment facility.
If you see yourself in today's column, please follow through. It could make a huge difference in your life. If you have a friend or loved one who you believe may be depressed, do whatever is in your power to get that person to a screening site.
© Creators Syndicate
Copyright 2001 Union-Tribune Publishing Co.
I hope this helps someone. I'm definately going to get screened on October 11th.
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