Confesssion Time

I had to add the "mis-" to the name of this site, or else the abbreviation would have been "AA." As appropos as it may be, I don't need that kind of subverse "intervention."

Had a grand ol' time with Troy last night at the Loft. I can't believe he made me so mad to say something so tacky; this time a year ago, someone was shot at the Loft accidently (the bullet was meant for someone else). And as tragic as that was, I had to announce, "You know, Troy, isn't it time for another death at this bar," meaning that I was about to kill him. Troy, and Charlie and some bar entity/patron groaned. I didn't mean it at all; the entire night was clouded with the memory of what I said. It reminds me of the time I was in the Midtown Saloon in Atlanta on Karaoke night with a fresh haircut. My hair was cut way too short, and before I started singing, I said, "I feel like a cancer patient." I am sooooo dumb sometimes.

Troy said a lot of things last night that kind of upset me, things that shouldn't upset me, such as how much he loves me and how much he wants to hit me when I insult myself. He told me a lot of things I already knew about myself; how I build walls to keep people out emotionally, how I say mean things about myself as a self-defense mechanism, how I am very vicious to those whom I love. I know a few counselling sessions would be a good thing, but I'm just doubtful as to its effects. I want an instant cure; I know of people who go to therapy for 10 years and still aren't anywhere. I don't need that; I understand that I have problems and I know what they are, I don't need someone to remind me of them. If I did, I would get married. Actually, I just fear a "total physical and emotional breakdown" Mariah style. Working so hard to delay that (because it's inevitable - I was aiming around 35 years of age to experience one, to coincide with my mid-gay life crisis), I don't exactly jump and spin circles at the idea of casting aside all my hard work and pickled liver.

Troy also compared me to Devon, that tank of a beast! That was upsetting. But Troy was also telling me how much better I am than Matt, and I have to snicker in retrospect. When hearing this I was skeptical, but I wouldn't have been able to articulate why. Now I can say why; Troy only feels this way cause Matt is not his Psycho-Lover anymore. And this was reaffirmed this morning when I called Troy this morning to find out that after a week of not talking they were having breakfast together. Well, that doesn't really affirm anything but Troy's mental masochistic tendancies, but nonetheless!