The chronology of “mass” psychosis.

A famous comedienne named Thea once said, “They say there’s a skinny person in all of us, but I knew that; I ate that bitch.”

Jennifer Saunders’ Edina Monsoon stated, “There’s a skinny person inside of me dying to get out,” and her mother replied, “Just the one, dear?”

Something I always say: “Hi, you might remember me from the ubiquitous ‘Fat Freaks Four,’ … call me now at 1-800-ROTUND-1”

Why am I sharing this?!! Since 4th grade I've had problems with my weight. Before that, I was very Kate Moss-esque. I have a picture of me posing for the camera with a dog on the leash in a He-Man shirt and periwinkle corduroy pants (I was a very sassy 6 year old!). But when I moved into my Grandmother's when I was nine, I put on the pounds; I weighed 103lbs as a 10 year old 5th grader. Anyway, in 10th grade I joined Jr. ROTC and got "in shape." I've never really understood that term - I'm in shape damn it! A circle and a pear are both shapes! I even joined the wrestling team (not as erotic as I thought it would be). But I went to work at KFC (where they do chicken wrong) and slowly put the poundage back. I got to 210# by my freshman year at UC Riverside. When I moved to Riverside from San Diego, I transferred to a local KFC.

Ironically, it was the result of working at KFC that I lost weight. During Winter Break, I stayed at a friend’s house while I worked at KFC saving up for my Colorado trip. I didn’t spend any money on food or anything; I ate skinless chicken and a few biscuits here and there. When I returned to school a few weeks later, everyone was shocked at how much weight I had lost, weight lost due to a broken heart so I thought. It was actually due to eating only chicken; the Atkin’s Diet suggests a 60g carbohydrate-a-day diet, and chicken has very few grams of carbohydrates if any at all. When school resumed, I began working out at the gym almost every day, cycling and lifting a few weights, slimming down to about 185 lbs. by the time I enlisted in the navy. And after two months of boot camp, I weighed 179 pounds. Although I lost only 5 pounds, I actually lost a lot of fat pounds and gained a lot of muscle pounds – muscle weighs more than fat. I had a 30 inch waist, 48 inch chest and weighed 180#; I was in the best shape in my life.

I was only in the Navy for 7 months, and when I got out in December 1997, I proceeded to gain an unprecedented 40 pounds in 4 months that I now know was due to depression. I didn’t realize that I weighed as much as I did; I see the few pictures taken from that time in my life and I shudder and how unhealthy I look. I moved back to San Diego in April 1999 with the determination to lose weight. I began alternating a work-out regimen and the local YMCA with a modified version of the Atkin’s Diet, “slimming” down to 205#. In September/October I sort of went psychotic. I stopped working out and dieting, slowly packing on the pounds again. I quit showing up to work without notice, and I felt so guilty about work that I planned to leave town with the $200 I had in the bank, thinking I could make it in Los Angeles without knowing anyone or having any resources available. It was really an awful point in my life, the result a culmination of the past two tumultuous years. I went to County Mental Health to speak with an unsympathetic soul and was given a week’s prescription of Prozac® and brushed under the rug. The medication didn’t really help. For a month I struggled until the thrill of the drama in my life wore off, I guess. I turned 21 about 2 months after leaving my job, so I suppose that “accomplishment” was the foundation for even more discord.

Newly admitted as a student of the “bar scene, I learned how benevolently bare gay men’s gossamer gregariousness is. I saw the need to meet physical Gay Expectations, something that made me really sick but was catalyst to do something about my weight. Not only to please other people, but because it was something that was going to make me happy about myself. I committed to the Atkin’s Diet for the entire month of January 2000 and lost 25 pounds to weigh-in at 200#, and was really happy for the first time in quite awhile. I finally felt good enough to go back to the gym and start working out, so that February I joined 24hr Fitness.

I was really happy for the first time in quite awhile, that is, until I met Devon. For once, I was apart of a group of – what I thought at the time – funny guys who knew how to have a good time (read: alcoholics). I was included in things they did – invited to come over and watch movies, called and asked what I was up to – stuff like that. We even had a gold-digger joke, “What’s your credit. No honey, what’s your available credit.” I find that funny cause it’s attitude is completely the antithesis of who I am. Anyway, that joke backfired, and for the longest time, people at the Loft and Calyph thought I was a gold digger. Sometime later while Devon and I were still friends, I complained to him, “Everyone thinks I’m a gold-digger. How can that be? I’m so damn poor and haven’t had a boyfriend in almost 5 years,” and Devon chuckled, “Oh poodle, that just means you’re a bad gold-digger.” (Quick note: I think it’s funny and rather apropos that the spellchecker suggests “Demon” in substitution of “Devon”).

With my new-found friendship, I frequented the gym less and less until I stopped going altogether. And with Devon’s penchant for unctuous delicacies, again I began gaining weight. At this time, my income was drastically cut; I had been temping full time for $14 an hour and working at International Male part time to supplement my bar tab until I got the bright idea to quit the higher-paying job and work at the crappy one full time and go back to school since the crappy job accommodated my hours to work around a school schedule. Because of the drastic cut in pay, my lifestyle was affected. Penultimately, I wasn’t able to afford to go back to school, the final effect being Devon et. al. quit hanging around and inviting me with them. It’s like running a race at one’s fastest and everything is going smoothly, all systems go, then *que Batman sound effects* BAM, head smack first into a lumbering tree. But because of both our association with the Gay Men’s Chorus and the frequency I had to see Devon, it was like being forced to bash my head into that tree repeatedly (as directed). After a lot of analysis, I’m finally realizing some things regarding my friendship with Devon that is helping me “get over it.”

Because of the drastic reduction in income, my membership to the gym lapsed, however, I managed to oscillate between 190 and 200 pounds until recently. In the last 6 weeks, I’ve gained about 15 pounds, and found that I can’t control my urge to eat. In the last week I’ve mellowed down because I’m now aware of this problem, but it’s really difficult because of the pressures I’m currently enduring: a new job location, bills...bills...bills, a quasi-relationship (that I have yet to discuss), etc. My weight gain is also attributed to depression; one symptom of depression is sudden gains or loses in weight. Like I said before, I’m going to get screened for maniac depressive behavior.